Friday, September 30, 2011


It's been a rough year so far. I've had a lot of ups followed by a lot of downs. I have not enjoyed some of the "junk" that I've had to deal with and I've also not been faithful in giving all that "junk" to my Savior. I've had two very real reminders of how small and powerless I am on my own. Last night(or rather very early this morning) I experienced my second "panic/anxiety" attack. My heart was racing and I had tremors/shakes throughout my body. When this happened two weeks ago--I thought I was dying. Then I thought that it was a reaction to a cold medicine mixed with melatonin. Well I know now that I did not have a reaction that night two weeks ago. All I can gather is that I had a panic attack. It's strange how these "attacks" come after I've experienced great triumphs. Two weeks ago, I passed my exam. Yesterday, I did business for the first time. I don't understand why these "attacks" have happened following something that was a great stressor to me. Maybe it was the end result and my body "detoxing" from the stress. I don't know. All I know is I do not like having these attacks. I was hoping it was only going to be a one time thing. But after some realizations--I need to go to the doctor. I also need to go to my Savior. I know I haven't been fully relying on Him the way I should be. It's like I'm trying to prove a point that I can do this life alone. Well, I'm wrong every time. And I can't say for certain whether this "attack" was also a spiritual attack, but it very well could be. I'm left with an unsettling feeling that something major could be wrong with me, or it could be just plain old anxiety. Which in my case has been something I've had for a long time--but never has it lead to a panic attack until now. God keeps on trying to remind me that He is God, and I am not. He is in control, and I am not. He is all powerful, and I am not. It's time I get my butt in gear. I don't like games and I don't want to play them. It's time to get real and give up everything I am and everything I have to Him. A complete surrender. If I don't, I feel like these attacks are going to continue.

I'm writing this so that any of you who care to, would please pray for me. Pray for strength. Pray for courage. Pray for steadfastness. Pray for peace. I just need prayers. I know I do not need to worry. I know that God is in control. I know that He has already overcome this world. I just need His strength and peace in my life. I need it just as much as the air that I'm breathing. I don't know if anyone else has had any similar experiences--and can maybe offer some encouragement. But I'll take anything I can get at this point. I can't do this life alone. God has placed people in my life to be encouraging and uplifting. I need to start relying on Him to provide me with everything I need and to take away my worries and fears.

I'm going to end with this verse because it is one that I need to take hold of and rely on its promise:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Monday, September 12, 2011

family forever.

Family is something that is very important to me. My family is very supportive, loving, nurturing, and accepting. They are not perfect, as no family is, but they are pretty amazing. I come from two sides of very loving families. The Wilson family and the Carpenter family. This post is pretty much dedicated to the Carpenter side due to the fact we had a family reunion yesterday.

There is great significance to this day, as it would have been my Meemau's 95th birthday. Two years ago she celebrated her last birthday here on this earth, and it was the day before she left this earth. The past two years have been very hard for me as I have lost one of the most important people in my life. She was the grandmother that I never had [due to both of mine passing away when I was one]. She was the rock in our family. Every holiday was spent at her house. Yesterday my cousins and I reminisced about the good old days when we were all younger at Meemau's big white house on Dale Drive. Food was a big part of it. As we indulged in a delicious feast yesterday, it took us back to the way things were--first course, always dip and chips/veggies; second course, the main meal[which always consisted of a delicious meat, mashed potatoes, and mac and cheese, bread, etc; then the last but not least course--dessert. Now at Meemau's house--dessert was always brought out last--never put out with the main course. It was something we had to wait for. Which is what we must do with all good things. There was certain protocol at meal times--as in kids go first--haha---and NO DOUBLE DIPPING! I will not name names, but we did have some double dippers. We still love you though--you who shall remain nameless. Yesterday we kept some of Meemau's traditions alive. Three course meal that we all had way to much of that included mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, bread, and of course we had dip[Thanks, Mere!] and a slew of desserts[Thanks, Aunt Laura!] And to wash it all down--Meemau's famous punch[Thanks, Aunt Debbie!] The only things that had changed were the location, and we were missing that one very special person, Meemau. But she was definitely not forgotten. [This was the last picture I took with my Meemau--April 2009]

We are all getting older, several of the cousins are in college, some have already graduated and are working, several are married, and a few have kids. It's funny to see who is now taller than who---and find out about that special someone who might be "the one"--it was so great to be together and spend time and catch up on what we are all doing. First of all, my dad is one of 6 kids--so that's quite a few aunts and uncles--plus I have 24 first cousins---not including spouses and children of some of those! So needless to say there was a full house. Of course, we cannot forget our beloved Grandad. Who is always there to give you a big bear hug, tell you he loves you and he's praying for you everyday. We also had our favorite "great" aunt Kay--who knows all the "dirt" about the cousins and the hilarious stories that some of us would like to forget. Yesterday was a wonderful day to be with my family and remember and treasure the memories from the past as well as making many new memories.

I love my family. I am so thankful for them. I would not trade them for anything in this world. I only wish we were all closer--but it does make those times we are together very precious and I look forward to the next time we will all be together!

[Cousin girls: Amber, Erin, Meredith, me, Meghan]