tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88979062709598196852024-02-19T10:22:23.135-05:00The Beautiful Letdowni will carry a cross and a song where i don't belong.jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-90149209153096328182014-03-03T19:58:00.000-05:002014-03-03T19:58:25.361-05:00God Is So Good.It's funny when certain memories will come rushing back and hit you square in the face. It's funny too how I've forgotten certain moments, but sad that I had almost forgotten this special moment. <br />
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It was my junior year at Campbell, and I was working on my observation hours for one of my classes and I was observing in an EC classroom at Lillington-Shawtown. These precious children were preschool aged and I had so much to learn when it comes to children with special needs. I didn't always know how to interact or handle certain situations. But let me tell you, the love these children have and would show to a stranger like myself humbles me. This particular day I was observing in the morning for a while during their circle time, centers, and outside playtime. Well almost immediately this precious little boy decides to attach himself to me and wants me to hold him and play with him. How could I not fall in love with him immediately? He was only 4, yet he'd had so much pain in his short life. His special needs were due to drugs and alcohol and he'd been neglected by his parents, so he was now in foster care. It broke my heart to know the pain this precious little boy had experienced. He longed to be loved. And I freely loved on him that day. But even more he blessed my heart that day. <br />
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My time was quickly coming to an end that day, and it was time to go outside to play on the playground. He wanted to swing, so off we went to my childhood favorite on the playground, the swings. He just talked and talked. He'd ask me questions and I'd answer them. As I continued to push him on the swing, he began to sing. [Let me tell you as I think back to it right now, I'm tearing up because of the song he had begun to sing.] "<i>God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me</i>". I was speechless. Then when eventually my voice came back to me, I began to sing with him. I didn't even think about the fact that this might not be allowed in a public school. But I sang along, and prayed that this little boy's life would not be filled with anymore pain. I so wanted to take him home with me that day. I wanted to give him the love he deserved to have shown to him. I was so sad that day when I had to leave. But his song that day blessed my heart and convicted it as well. To think of his life and all he had endured in his short life struck me to the core. Here he was singing about how good God is and his life was so not good. I pray his foster family showed him love, and maybe it was there that he learned about God and His goodness. I will never know. <br />
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As I had this random memory this morning, I was struck by it again and I was thankful to God for His goodness in my own life. I need to remember God's goodness everyday. I need to dwell on it. I need to thank Him for it. He really is good. So good. I look back at my life, and I have not experienced anything like that precious angel boy had experienced. But I've had difficult times. And God has always been there. He's always provided. I can think of some of the biggest and most difficult moments in which God gave me exactly what I needed to get through the struggles and trials I faced. The biggest and most recent one I go back to is the fall of 2011. That fall started out questionable. I thought I might be dying. I thought there was something wrong with my heart. Then when it wasn't my heart, it turned into it could be cancer. And I had to have surgery to remove the tumor "baby" that had grown, for only God knows how long. In the initial findings, there was no cancer. After further testing, no cancer. Although, had it not been caught, it would have become cancer. I still praise God for that. If I had not listened to His urgings and taken the signs He had given me, well I don't know what my life would look like right now. I thank God for His goodness during that very scary and dark time. He provided strength. He provided the right doctors. He provided family and friends to surround me with love, encouragement, and their prayers. So as I am reminded of that precious angel boy singing "<i>God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me",</i> I thank and praise God for His continued goodness. I don't deserve it. But I will continue to be thankful for it until the day I take my last breath. I want to sing His goodness freely like the little boy I met that day at Lillington-Shawtown.<br />
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Because He deserves to be praised for Who He Is.<br />
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<i>For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5</i></div>
jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-67110027894483691682014-02-17T11:53:00.000-05:002014-02-17T12:06:50.470-05:00shock to the system.<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Warning: The following post is going to reveal things in my heart. Reveal my imperfections. Reveal that I don't have it all together. Reveal that I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Reveal that I need His saving...every. single. day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I took my dogs out this morning, I felt for their little paws as they had to walk on snow, ice, and through a huge puddle right in front of the door we go out. Here my feet were covered with socks inside my boots, and they had to get a shock from the freezing cold elements. I could almost relate to the shock and feel my own bare feet in the freezing cold water or on the ice and snow. In fact, I almost dared to put my bare feet into the cold water just to feel it. Almost to take the shock like what my heart is feeling today. God has really been working on me here lately. Everything I hear, read, sing....it's so fitting with </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">what's been going on in my heart and mind. Battles I've been fighting for a very long time, and circumstances I've been facing have brought my heart to a broken and shocked state. God has been trying to grab my attention. Here I am trying to fight my battles on my own, only to fail every single time. He was trying to show me how much He loves me and wants to fight my battles for me. Because I can't win these battles alone. And I'm not suppose to fight alone. So as I come to my knees in total surrender, lifting my hands to the only One who can help me overcome the things in my life that have created much hurt in my life, I give Him my battles, I hand over my struggles, I ask Him to forgive me for my unbelief, and ask Him to give me strength to live the life He's called me to live. I can only say how thankful I am for His grace, mercy, and love. I'm humbled. I'm ready for Him to really move me. I'm daring to pray His will and take a leap of faith to see where He's going to lead. I have no idea what will come, but I have confidence in the One who is Sovereign over all. He is truly enough. He can start putting back the broken parts of this creation of His. As I read through Hebrews 11 yesterday about faith, I was shocked with my own lack of faith. In this passage, there are people whose stories we read about in the Bible who have faith that humbles me. The struggles of God's people and their faithfulness to Him even in difficult circumstances. He blessed their lives and made them a blessing, even if in some circumstances they didn't get to see "the end result"...it lead to the day a baby was born in a stable. A Savior. Their stories of redemption lead us to the ultimate redemption. The redeeming blood that was shed by that baby who grew up to be a man who lived a sinless, perfect life. The King who left His throne to come down to Earth. The God who left His glory...to die for the people He created. To die for the people He loves. The people who hated Him. The people who rebelled against Him. He came to die for all. That we might have life. And that our lives would be full. But only through Him, and realizing our need for redemption can we be brought to that place where we can be set free. The point where we are brought to life. A life grounded in Christ. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So here's where I am. Broken. Humbled. Thankful. I know my life will not get easy. In fact, it may get more difficult. But I want to stop living my life trying to be so independent. I need to become dependent. Dependent on Christ every day as I seek to live the life He has for me. So as I face every new day, I'm going to seek to begin my day giving Him those things I can't change. Giving Him my fears. Giving Him my everything. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I encourage anyone who may read this, if you're not already doing so, give your life completely to Him. If you don't know Jesus as your Savior, please don't hesitate to reach out to me and I can tell you about what He's done for me and what He can do for you. He will change your life. I can promise you that. I will close out this post with the lyrics to one of the most powerful hymns I've heard and a favorite of mine. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Before The Throne of God Above"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before the throne of God above</span></div>
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I have a strong and perfect plea.</div>
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A great high Priest whose Name is Love</div>
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Who ever lives and pleads for me.</div>
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My name is graven on His hands,</div>
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My name is written on His heart.</div>
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I know that while in Heaven He stands</div>
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No tongue can bid me thence depart.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When Satan tempts me to despair</span></div>
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And tells me of the guilt within,</div>
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Upward I look and see Him there</div>
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Who made an end of all my sin.</div>
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Because the sinless Savior died</div>
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My sinful soul is counted free.</div>
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For God the just is satisfied</div>
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To look on Him and pardon me.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Behold Him there the risen Lamb,</span></div>
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My perfect spotless righteousness,</div>
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The great unchangeable I AM,</div>
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The King of glory and of grace,</div>
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One in Himself I cannot die.</div>
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My soul is purchased by His blood,</div>
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My life is hid with Christ on high,</div>
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With Christ my Savior and my God!</div>
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jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-21112748280292709892014-01-03T21:32:00.000-05:002014-01-03T21:32:42.481-05:00work in progress list [2014 edition]I have come to find that every year most of us tend to make resolutions about what we'd like to accomplish in the new year, only to fail at being faithful in seeing those resolutions to completion. I know I've failed at many resolutions over my 27 years, and I've decided to not make resolutions anymore. My "resolution" from last year was to try new things. I want to expand on that this year by being willing to try things that might intimidate or scare me. I would like to get outside of my box and take a step out of my comfort zone. This introvert does not plan on becoming an extrovert, but I want to be more willing to be "extroverted" or outgoing in new situations. It's time I stop being scared in certain situations. Anyways...here's my list for 2014. I guess it's a work in progress list to start in 2014. Here goes:<br />
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My work in progress list for 2014:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Continue trying new things. </li>
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<li>I started this in 2013. I'd like to continue. Even if it was baby steps and nothing major, I enjoyed doing some things I'd never done before. </li>
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<li>Sticking to the goals I have set for myself. </li>
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<li>Healthier habits I'd started in 2012 that fizzled out in Fall 2013.</li>
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<li>Be a better friend.</li>
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<li>Be more aware of the needs my friends have and trying to meet the ones that I'm able to.</li>
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<li>Have a better prayer life. </li>
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<li>Being more intentional. Habitual. Praying for family, friends, others, "enemies", my future husband.</li>
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<li>Be others focused. </li>
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<li>Not focusing on my problems and myself all the time.</li>
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<li>Be more compassionate.</li>
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<li>Goes with the previous point. I have a hard time showing or feeling compassion for certain people. I tend to limit my compassion to children.</li>
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<li>Don't be scared to talk to people I don't know or don't know well. </li>
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<li>My introverted awkwardness comes out around certain people and in certain situations. Getting over my fears and anxiety of putting myself out there and showing interest in other people. </li>
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<li>Learn to be content where I am and trusting completely in God's plan for my life. </li>
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<li>Being thankful for the fact that God has blessed me immensely, even though this is not where I wanted to be at this point in my life, He's got the perfect plan that is for my good. I need to focus on this and be reminded of it every. single. day.</li>
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<li>Not focusing on the things that others have that I want to have. </li>
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<li>Husband/babies to be specific. God has a plan. I have the desire to have these two things. I want to be a wife and mom more than anything in the world, but I know that in God's perfect timing He will bring about the plans He has for me. </li>
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<li>Practice more patience.</li>
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<li>With people. In my job. With my family. With my friends. With people who I find difficult to be around. With certain children. On the road.</li>
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<li>Practice more grace. </li>
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<li>Ditto on the previous point. </li>
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<li>Get outside of comfort zone.</li>
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<li>In trying new things and talking to people I don't know--doing something I wouldn't normally be comfortable doing. </li>
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<li>Live with purpose.</li>
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<li>God has one for me. I need to seek His will for my life and live for Him. Only Him and His purpose. </li>
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<li>Not getting upset with myself for failing to do the previous things...</li>
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<li>I'm only human....so trying to do any of these things by myself, in my own power, I'm doomed to fail at every single thing. So only in His strength can I seek to accomplish the things in this list and so much more than I could possibly imagine. That's why I have a "theme song" for this year....no matter what may come this year...the truth in this song is powerful. </li>
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So here's to 2014 and all it will bring. Make it a good and memorable one.<br />
jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-2793270047458197192014-01-02T19:56:00.000-05:002014-01-02T22:58:44.429-05:00picture2013.<div style="text-align: center;">
Here's a look back at some things that happened in 2013. </div>
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:January:</div>
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The Carpenters #tradition</div>
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A trip back to CU</div>
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Freshmen year dorm with my roomie</div>
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:February:</div>
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Yep, that's my shot!</div>
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:March:</div>
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Easter Sunday</div>
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Jesus Board in Lifegroup</div>
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:April:</div>
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Goo Goo Dolls at CU</div>
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:May:</div>
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I love this little lady!</div>
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Welcome to the world, Simeon!</div>
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Happy wedding day, Erin!</div>
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:June:</div>
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Matt Maher</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikmgXmZ504kvwTDJ2kvwg2gRvwfsZ2_rzwzaZiube0XlPrmkxr5THoSX70IzlGTkPJP9Ba_tifQ-rCxDmQl4B3kgaL3Ss3hfCLJmSejfpQnYumcN3OUSN5qlJuXPWrAYwbxepGzOHQnbA/s1600/lovelies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikmgXmZ504kvwTDJ2kvwg2gRvwfsZ2_rzwzaZiube0XlPrmkxr5THoSX70IzlGTkPJP9Ba_tifQ-rCxDmQl4B3kgaL3Ss3hfCLJmSejfpQnYumcN3OUSN5qlJuXPWrAYwbxepGzOHQnbA/s320/lovelies.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Happy Graduation, G!</div>
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Yaki Mandu--my first Korean food</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGDNW1yABCU-zD-c5UXNqpLFAoU0hOG_souFnOcHFvRF7VgRXQhU30xOggQT7K62dcV26O8PbiBzkSQSujwHZ_T-uTh0y34TPN8yq9LkU5CKo_k5BcFybDxyqVo0hN63_GF9BligmGIfw/s1600/kessler+wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGDNW1yABCU-zD-c5UXNqpLFAoU0hOG_souFnOcHFvRF7VgRXQhU30xOggQT7K62dcV26O8PbiBzkSQSujwHZ_T-uTh0y34TPN8yq9LkU5CKo_k5BcFybDxyqVo0hN63_GF9BligmGIfw/s320/kessler+wedding.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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National Harbor </div>
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:July:</div>
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Hilton Head Vacation</div>
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Last picture of all 3 pups together</div>
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:August:</div>
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:September:</div>
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9/11 Never forget</div>
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27th Birthday Dinner</div>
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What I wanted for my birthday, not literally of course. A puppy and a husband. Thanks, Michael</div>
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:October:</div>
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Boyce Avenue in DC at 9:30 Club</div>
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Cousin girl sleepover</div>
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Kitchen demo=what doesn't kill you makes you stronger</div>
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Dixie Classic Fair=good times</div>
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Harvest Celebration</div>
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:November:</div>
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Family Reunion in Williamsburg</div>
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Practicing for the Senior Adult Christmas Luncheon</div>
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:December:</div>
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Carpenter Christmas </div>
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Reunion with Alicia in MD<br />
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Another CU Reunion. Love you, kid.</div>
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2013 was definitely a eventful year. I tried a lot of new things. I shot my first pistol, shotgun and rifle. I drove on the beltway in MD by myself. I tried Korean food. I demoed a kitchen. Among many other things. I look forward to all the new things to be experienced and memories made in 2014. </div>
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jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-56541569450349983822014-01-02T19:18:00.001-05:002014-01-02T19:18:39.882-05:00a look back at 2013.Looking back at 2013, I see good things and not so good things. I see places I stumbled and places I succeeded. I see things that were painful and some that were healing. I see new faces come into the picture and some faces that have moved away. Every year brings its own set of challenges. 2013 was no different. It brought challenges and trials that I didn't see coming. No one can see into the future, thank goodness! There've been times when I wish that I could see the future, but I know it's definitely for our best that we do not know the future. So as I reflect on last year, it's funny how quickly I forget certain things that have happened. Time passes so quickly that I can hardly remember what I did from month to month. Thankfully facebook helps me document some of those moments that I want to remember. <br />
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Every year comes with new lessons and life experiences. God continues to teach me new things and shows me grace upon grace, every. single. day. Grace I most definitely do not deserve. He allows me to experience things that may be somewhat uncomfortable, but it's in these experiences that He allows me to grow and stretch. One thing that I will count as a success for the year is dealing with a situation I had been dreading/avoiding for over 2 years. It was something I could not avoid, even if I tried. But in the end, I realized a couple of things. One, God had given me the strength to let go of bitterness, anger, and grudges that I had had for over 2 years. Oh, how good it feels to be free of those life sucking feelings. Two, I needed to be more compassionate toward people. I tend to be quick to judge, and in this particular situation one of the people who I had held a grudge against had been dealing with some difficult life circumstances. No matter what had happened to me, she did not deserve for me to have the feelings that I had had against her. I thank God for giving me that opportunity to realize that those feelings I had were not valid. Not healthy. Not Christ-like. He was like: "Jilene, it's time to let it go." The freedom from that just makes my heart so much happier. There are also lessons that I've had to learn in more difficult ways. Having to deal with past relationships and some unresolved issues with that, I had to learn that some people have a harder time letting go and moving on completely. And sometimes that leftover feelings can create anger and lead to things being said that are not true and are hurtful. That was one phone call I did not enjoy getting, but thankfully that godly friend had my back and hopefully I won't have to deal with that situation ever again. <br />
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There were also lot of happy times. Lots of time with family and friends. There were several weddings, a graduation, family reunions, vacation, concerts and babies. There were also sad times. My family lost one of our dogs this past summer. Samson got sick in May and we had to let him go the end of July. It was very heartbreaking to lose him. He was a part of our family and he's still greatly missed to this day.<br />
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As I look ahead to this year, since we're already in 2014, I know that there are many good and bad times ahead. God has great plans for this year. I look forward to see how He's going to grow and stretch me. But more on my thoughts on the year ahead in another post. Hopefully, you'll be hearing more from me in 2014. It's in my "plan"...so yeah. Stay tuned.jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-24190681417285040402013-10-10T23:09:00.001-04:002013-10-10T23:09:38.843-04:00things i love. Fall is my favorite season. I love the sights, smells, and tastes of fall. One of the most fun things that comes every year like clockwork is the Dixie Classic Fair. I went twice this year. The first time with friends and the second time with my parents. I always eat too much---and the worst possible things. But I soooo enjoy it. My favorite place to eat now is at the Amish booth. They have the BEST pretzels and donuts. They are made fresh every single batch. The deliciousness is almost too much to handle. But I handled it just fine, I guess. Both nights. The first night, the donut I ate came dripping with sweet delicious icing. So much so that some decided to make a home on the bottom of my pants. Caution: Never eat a fresh dripping donut while walking. You will make a mess, be a mess. But it's worth it! The next thing to look forward to is the BBQ Festival in Lexington. [Besides the every day joys of the smell of leaves and the change of the colors...oh, and anything pumpkin!!] Here are a few pictures I've taken on my phone of some of the "fallish" things I've enjoyed this far.<br />
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Now I'm looking forward to enjoying some of my favorite fall/winter food. Soup, chili, stew--especially Chicken Stew!! Happy Fall! </div>
<br />jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-87987338607423608392013-08-30T10:39:00.002-04:002013-10-10T22:57:36.171-04:00A month without Sam.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8897906270959819685" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a>It's been a month since we lost one of our fur babies, Samson. It's hard to believe he's still not gonna greet me when I come home or coming flying down the stairs when it's time to go outside. The last 3 months have been rough ones because we've had to deal with finding out Samson had cancer, losing him, and both of our other dogs have had some health issues. My heart can't take losing another one so soon. Samson was such a good dog. He was a love. I thought I was getting better until this morning when I checked my email. And I got this picture with a note that said "I miss u Jilene".<br />
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Yes, obviously it wasn't from Samson. My dad sent it. But it made me cry. Because at this stage in my life, I don't have my own children(human ones), I have my fur babies. So losing them is very rough. Especially when you've put so much time, energy, and emotion into taking care of them. I have done a lot of that since May. Especially when I was here by myself when my parents were in Mexico and Michael was at work that weekend(May). I had to take Sam to the vet because he was not getting better...and it was then that I knew he wouldn't be around much longer. That was a really rough time. But we didn't want to selfishly hold onto him. So the day we came home from work and he had gone blind in the time we had been gone that day, we knew it was time. I will never forget him. He was so funny. He had some human characteristics that I just loved about him. I miss him howling when the phone rang, and pawing me when he wanted more lovies. I miss his "butterfly kisses" and him jumping up in his chair to look out the window to see us when we drove into the driveway. There are so many other things that I will miss about him. He was a great dog. He will forever be in my heart.jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-33648899952789339172013-05-07T20:29:00.000-04:002013-05-07T20:29:22.766-04:00I've already moved on...Sometimes you have to let go and move on. I know there are many times in life when we have to do this. Sometimes those times are in moments of contention. You just decide to let go of the fight because it's not worth fighting. When the argument is not beneficial...and no progress can be made. It's the moments where you take the high road. Sometimes those times are when people cannot see through their own pain and troubles. They may not understand, and want to continue the argument to make their point, but its just a waste of breath. It's a waste of your breath, time, and energy too...when they don't listen...or they continue beating "the dead horse," as the saying goes.<br />
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I, myself, am tired of having the same "argument" and hearing the same old thing over and over. This time is when I don't respond and waste my time in doing so. It's the time to continue moving forward with my life. Like I've been doing. No need to beat dead horses. They're already dead anyway.<br />
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<br />jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-31425039817093641962013-04-28T11:40:00.001-04:002013-04-28T11:40:08.692-04:00your words.<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); text-align: left;">2Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. 3At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison— 4that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. 5Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. 6Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Colossians 4:2-6</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); text-align: left;">I've been at my aunt's church the last two Sundays. This passage was what the pastor preached on today. I've been constantly reminded of the power of my words lately and how they can affect others, but also how they can come back and haunt me. Even if what I said was not meant for malice or to inflict pain, they can be taken the wrong way and twisted into something else. My prayer today was for God to help my words be few. Calculated. Encouraging. Challenging. Worthy of other's ears. Pleasing to God. I can be too quick to speak and too quick to cast judgement. I want my words to be gracious and ones that are used for telling others about what God has done in my life and what He has done, can do, and will do for them if they ask. </span></div>
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jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-11002041858538782462013-04-27T18:09:00.000-04:002013-04-27T18:09:20.392-04:00random post.This post is completely random....but I just needed to express some of my irritations. I can become very easily irritated. It's not one of my attractive qualities because I become irritated and impatient with people very easily. I'm working on it, but it's hard. Old habits die hard. First of all, I can't stand being treated like a child. Especially when it's by someone a good bit younger than me. I have to hold myself from saying something very un-Christlike. Second, I can't stand being told what to do---going along with the first thing. Thirdly, and probably the MOST irritating is when someone twists my words and lies to other people about me. More than being hurtful...it really makes me mad. The anger builds up and I want to scream and punch something (or in this case...someone). It's especially irritating when these lies are being told to make me look like I'm a hateful person. When in fact, I'm not. I don't intentionally act in malicious ways towards others.<br />
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I'm trying my best to be the person and woman that God has made me to be, but this life is very difficult and situations come up that test our character. I know I'm not perfect...and will never be. I fail my Savior everyday. I don't always look like Jesus. But I'm trying very hard to have an attitude more like His and be the person described in Titus 2:7-8:<br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><a data-datatype=""bible+esv"" data-reference=""Titus 2:7"" href="" rel="milestone" style="display: inline-block; height: 1em; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 0px;"></a><span style="border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: super;">7 </span>Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, <a data-datatype=""bible+esv"" data-reference=""Titus 2:8"" href="" rel="milestone" style="display: inline-block; height: 1em; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 0px;"></a><span style="border: 0px; font-weight: bold; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: super;">8 </span>and<i> </i>sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know this was a random post, but I want to be honest in my posts. No need to sugar coat. The truth is always better than lies or putting on a show or wearing a mask. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-63271775717500183912013-03-28T18:42:00.001-04:002013-03-28T18:42:21.194-04:00My Father knows best.I'm so thankful that my Savior died for me. I'm so thankful to have a way to the Father. I have the free[and very much undeserved] gift of salvation. God loved me so much that He sent His Son to die for me and cover me with his precious blood and let His body take the most horrific beating...all for me. All because of Love. If only I could love the way Jesus does--unconditionally--and sacrificially. This is not an easy thing to do. But it's something I want to make a serious effort at doing. Some people are easier to love than others, but we are called to love one another. <div>
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This brings me to another thing I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace shown to me and His love drawing me closer to Himself and for the freedom of having an attitude that is more like His. Although, this is a continual process, I can say that He has changed me so much over the past several months. My attitude is so different than what it had been and He has shown me things and given me the direction that I had asked Him for. It's funny how His answers aren't what I wanted, but ultimately they have been for my best. For that, I'm thankful. He didn't give me my yes, because He knew the place I had thought about going--was not the place for me. He's shown me that I'm in just the right place. He's changing my heart every day and He has given me a new out look on the place He led me to almost 7 years ago. </div>
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God is good. ALL THE TIME. </div>
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What are you thankful for today? </div>
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PS. Sometimes I ramble--so for whoever reads this---forgive my seriously lacking writing skills. :) </div>
jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-59926080266256604372013-03-25T00:08:00.000-04:002013-03-25T00:08:44.868-04:00The Good Shepherd<br />
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"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me--just as the Father knows me and I know the Father--and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life--only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father." John 10:9-18[NIV]<br />
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Today in my Lifegroup we did what we call our "Jesus Board". Here is what it looked like:<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jesus Board--March 24, 2013</td></tr>
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As I was reading through some of the scripture written on the board this morning--I came upon this passage about Jesus, our good Shepherd. After a very powerful morning in Lifegroup, our communion service, then in Bible study this afternoon--I've been reminded[as I need to be quite often] how incredible and amazing our Savior is. For the past four Sunday nights, my parents and I have been watching "The Bible" mini-series on tv. Although the writers of the series have taken creative liberties and not everything is accurate--the heart[and purpose] of the story[the Bible] is still present. The Bible was written to tell us about God and His great and mighty love for us. It begins with the creation of man, then the fall of man, then the rest of the Bible leads us on the journey to the ultimate end and the restoration between God and man. Our Redemption in His Son, Jesus. We see how God takes and leads His people through the good and bad. Through their obedience and their falling away. He is constantly pursuing His people--because He loved them. That's the bottom line. He loves us. Therefore, He sent Jesus down to this world so He could live a perfect life and die an undeserved death to atone for our sin on the cross. His broken body and shed blood, a perfect sacrifice to pay a debt[for our sin] that we could never repay. </div>
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In this passage from John, Jesus is telling us that He is our good Shepherd. He wants to take care of us. Even when we wander away, He goes out searching for us to draw us back to Him and to the security of His protection. He is so passionate about His sheep[us] that He was willing to lay down His life for us. He didn't have to, He did it out of His great love for us. He, Jesus, the Son of God, who has all authority in Heaven and on Earth--willingly laid down His life. Jesus knew what He came down to Earth to do. He knew that His life would be brief on this Earth, and that it would end in His death on a cross for His sheep, but He knew that was not the end of the story. He was the prophesied Messiah. The King who would rescue His people. He did not do it the way the Jews were expecting, but it happened just as God ordained it. </div>
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This passage struck a chord in me tonight and brought me to tears. This week known as Passion week--all leading up to Good Friday and Easter--is one in which we tend to reflect on what our Savior did for us on the cross over 2000 years ago. I needed this reminder today. The reminder of how great my Savior's love for me is--and that no matter what I've done or will do, He will always love me. He's always there to take my burden. Forgive my sin. Comfort me. Provide for my needs. But, I don't want to just remember what Jesus did for me once a year. I want to know it. Live it. Every day. Jesus didn't die for me so I could be thankful that I have the free gift of salvation once a year. It's an every day thing--one in which I constantly honor Christ with my life. Because of God's great love for me---I should be obedient to His commands. I should live my life to please Him every day. That is our one true aim. To live a life that glorifies God in all that we do. Not just once a year---but every. single. day. I've failed at living out my faith. But that's how it started. It started with my faith and trust in Jesus. I acknowledged my sin, accepted Christ's gift of salvation, and now I should live every day in response to what He did for me and share that gift of love with everyone. </div>
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I don't want to forget or take for granted what my Savior did for me. Not ever. He's all I need. He's the reason that I live. </div>
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Oh hail, Redeemer, hail</div>
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For He has died for me</div>
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His praise and glory <i>shall not fail</i> </div>
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throughout eternity</div>
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Majesty, Lord of all</div>
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Let every throne before Him fall</div>
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The King of Kings</div>
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O come adore</div>
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Our God who reigns forevermore </div>
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[Chris Tomlin, Crown Him (Majesty)]</div>
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jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-84456125193994271822012-08-11T23:04:00.002-04:002012-08-11T23:04:59.754-04:00untitled.It's been a while since I've posted. When I started this blog over 3 years ago[wow hard to believe it's been that long], I had every intention of posting on a more regular basis. <br />
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Sometimes, life gets in the way. Sometimes, I don't have anything to say. Sometimes, I don't think anyone would care to read what I have to write about. <br />
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For me, the last few months of my blogging absence has been due to all of those previously mentioned reasons. There has been a lot going on. As I look back on the past three years since I started this blog, I've had a lot happen to me. Some good things. Some bad things. The past few months have brought about some more hardships, and some good times. There are two things that are currently going on that are very difficult to deal with. I'm learning how to better handle things, but then I get so weak, that I just can't handle anymore. That's why I've decided to make some changes. Some have been semi-dramatic changes that came very quickly because I was tired of dealing with those things. There are some other things that are going to take time as I find the right time to make those changes. <br />
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Change is something that I don't always handle very well. But in some of these particular situations, I feel like it's time I make them. Now, I don't want to make such rash decisions without praying over them. So that's why it's going to take time, and God's guidance to show me what I need to do. <br />
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God has been very gracious and merciful to me. Even when I really really really, did I say really? don't deserve it. Every time I fail Him, He has never failed to love me. He is faithful, even when I am not. He has blessed my life so much, and I do not always recognize when He has--and I've had to be shown quite recently how much He has blessed me. Even when I am not content with where my life is and my current situation. He has provided immensely for me. He has given me an amazing, supportive family. A steady[and never will go away] job. Some incredible small groups of friends who have been able to witness to me in my time(s) of need. A church where I can serve God through some of the gifts He has given me. And He has given me the strength and endurance to get through some challenges with my health. I still have some issues, but thankfully, and Praise God, that I have my health. <br />
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I'm still learning. A lot. God still has a lot to teach me. I'm sure it's going to take pretty much forever, and then some to teach this hard headed person some lessons that are well worth learning. I just hope that my life and the way I live it will be a testimony to God and His ever-abounding grace. I know there have been many times where I have not shown God's grace. That is when my carnal side takes over and is not honoring God. I know I have let people down. Well, let's face it, we all let people down at one time or another. It's what we do. We are people. And because of that, we are not perfect. So I will fail. I can't expect myself to get it right 100% of the time. But it's my purpose to try. Because called has called me to a higher calling. He has called me to tell everyone about Him. To share and spread the Gospel. Which comes down to love. That's something I have a hard time doing. I have a hard time loving people. This hard time loving people comes from my lack of patience and my tendency to be easily annoyed. I'm working on this. But it's not going to be fixed over night. So bear with me. All you who deal with me on a day to day, or whenever you deal with me, basis. Thank you for understanding that I am a weak human being. That I'm not perfect, I'm just a great sinner in need of a great Savior. Everyday I need His saving. <br />
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I'm sorry for the rambling nature of this post. But I felt the urge to blog. Even if it doesn't make sense. I was going to write on another topic, but decided to go with this. Maybe I'll go into that topic soon, but we'll see when I get on this again. <br />
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Until then, much peace and love. <br />
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<br />jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-43262003277771745952012-03-31T00:35:00.002-04:002012-03-31T01:23:07.656-04:00spring.There are so many beautiful things about spring. Flowers, trees, birds, butterflies, bees[well not on or around me], etc. Spring is a time for new growth. Spring is time for celebrating Winter being over and Summer being right around the corner. Spring is also the time for celebrating one of the most important times of our human history. Easter. <div><br /></div><div>Easter is not about candy, eggs, the Easter bunny, and dressing up nice for church that Sunday. It's about the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us on the Cross. It's about the depth of the love that our Heavenly Father showed that day to all mankind. He loved us so much that He gave up His One and ONLY Son to die for our sins. For our mistakes. For all the things we get ourselves into that we can't seem to get out of because we're too greedy, stubborn, self-indulgent, selfish, etc. Jesus lived a perfect, sinless life. And He came to do something that no one else that has ever lived or ever will live can do. He came to be a sacrifice to pay the debt that we owe. A debt we could never repay. Because we can never do enough "good things" to be good enough to be right in God's eyes. The only way we can be right with Him is through the cleansing blood of Jesus. The blood He shed on what we know as Good Friday. That day he suffered a horrendous death. He was mocked, scorned, beaten, pierced, broken. For us. He was rejected. While He hung, dying on a cross, His Father turned His back on His Son. While the sins of all mankind were placed on Him--He(Jesus) bore the penalty for us. He paid the price, so that we wouldn't be forever separated from Him. Because our sin separates us from God, we cannot spend eternity with Him based on our own merit. Because like I said before, our "goodness" will never be good enough. It is a surrendering of our lives. Having a faith and belief in who Jesus is and what He did for us over 2,000 years ago. It's a giving up of our old selves and our old ways and living a life that is pleasing to Him. A life that is focused solely on Jesus. See, I haven't mentioned yet why Easter is so important. You see, on the day we know as Easter, that is the day that Jesus came back to life. The day that Jesus defeated death. He defeated death, sin, and hell. That is what Easter is all about. Jesus, His life, His death, and His resurrection. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;">It's appropriate that we celebrate Easter during the spring. If you look up spring in the dictionary it will tell you that it means: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">rise,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">leap,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">move,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">act</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">suddenly</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">and</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">swiftly,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">as</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">by</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">a </span><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">sudden</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">dart</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">thrust</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">forward</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">or</span> </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">outward,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">being</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">suddenly </span><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">rele</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;"><span name="hotword" style="position: static; ">ased</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">from</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">coiled</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">constrained</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">position: and </span><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">to</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">come</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">into</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">being,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; ">or</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">arise</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">within</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">a</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; ">short</span> </span><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;">time. That's exactly what Jesus did. He sprang up from the grave. He did it suddenly and swiftly. When He did so, He showed how powerful that He is and it gave mankind hope for the future. For life. For life after death. You see because of what Jesus did we can now live a life that is full of hope, joy, peace. And once we breathe our last here on this earth, for those of us who know Jesus as our Savior, we will spend all eternity with our Father and His Son. </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><span id="hotword" name="hotword" style="position: static; cursor: default; "><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Jesus was a gift to us. Salvation came through that gift of Jesus. A gift that is freely given to all who believe. "</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. It's something so simple. Yet so powerful and meaningful. Something to be so thankful for and humbled by. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium; ">I'm going to leave you with the words to one of my favorite hymns. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">"How Deep the Father's Love For Us"</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">How deep the Father's love for us,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">How vast beyond all measure</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">That He should give His only Son</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">To make a wretch His treasure</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">How great the pain of searing loss,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">The Father turns His face away</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">As wounds which mar the Chosen One,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Bring many sons to glory</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Behold the Man upon a cross,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">My sin upon His shoulders</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Call out among the scoffers</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">It was my sin that held Him there</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Until it was accomplished</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">His dying breath has brought me life</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">I know that it is finished</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">I will not boast in anything</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">No gifts, no power, no wisdom</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">But I will boast in Jesus Christ</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">His death and resurrection</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">Why should I gain from His reward?</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">I cannot give an answer</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">But this I know with all my heart</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;">His wounds have paid my ransom</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-11445179812748220002012-03-19T23:24:00.004-04:002012-03-20T00:21:23.244-04:00the cure.We all know that life is hard. We all face many trials throughout our lives that become increasingly difficult to bear. Sometimes we just want to give up and stop living because it just, quite frankly, hurts way to much. I've had my share of difficult times. Times of great pain and sorrow. Sometimes that pain and sorrow was due to the loss of a loved one. Other times it was when dreams were shattered. And recently, due to health issues that caused quite a scare. But this post is not about me and my pain. <div><br /></div><div>Over the last few days, more and more people that I know and love quite dearly have had to deal with some very difficult things. Over the past several weeks, some people in my family[myself included] have lost a very dear loved one. I've had friends and loved ones lose a grandparent, a student, unborn children, and one experienced a great heart hurt. It has burdened my heart, and has helped to show me[because I need constant reminders] that I'm not the only one who is suffering. I'm not the only person who feels pain. We all do. Some of us can handle that pain and grief better than others. But it doesn't mean we don't all need to be comforted. And to know that someone cares about us and the condition of our hearts. Our hearts can hurt so greatly sometimes. And during those times it is hard to understand why we must endure the heartache. We ask why things have to happen. Why me? No one likes to have their heart hurt by the loss of someone, something, dreams, etc. Our country has seen a lot of heartache over the past 10 and a half years. We've faced the loss of thousands of innocent citizens as well as brave soldiers who have given their lives to fight for our safety. To fight for freedom. Over the past 7 or so years, we've seen numerous natural disasters that have claimed many more thousands of lives. Tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes. When will it end? </div><div><br /></div><div>Here's where the hope comes into the picture. I'm not promising an instant cure for whatever pain that you may be facing, but it's the answer. The cure for the pain. The One who can make it better. I don't know where you[the reader(s) of my blog] are spiritually. You may call yourself spiritual or religious. You may not be spiritual at all. You may not believe that God exists. I'm here to tell you what I believe. What I know to be the Truth. And it's where my hope lies. Jesus Christ. The Author and Perfecter of our faith. (see Hebrews 12:2) Our Savior came into this world with a purpose. He came to live a perfect life. He came to love people, all people. He came to die for our sins, everyone's sin. He came to be a servant. He came to be a sacrifice. He came to bring Life. In Him, we can find true, eternal peace. With Him, we can do anything. That includes persevering through the trials of this life. It says in James 1:12 that "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." God's Word has promised us that "the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." While we are going through the hardships in our lives, He will never leave us. He understands our pain and sorrow. While Jesus was here on this earth He suffered. He suffered like every other human being suffers and has suffered on this earth. He felt pain, He felt loss. He suffered an agonizing death on the cross for our sakes. He gave up His life to pay the debt of our sins. He experienced the ultimate grief and pain so we could experience the greatest joy. The hope of life after death. A life where we will no longer feel any of the pain of this world. An eternity spent with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. With this hope in mind, with the joy that we can know in Christ, with His strength--and only with His strength can we keep living, breathing, moving, dealing, enduring, persevering. </div><div><br /></div><div>We have a great hope amidst life's pain. Through the years of suffering the loss of loved ones; dealing with economic hardships; losing jobs; broken hearts; cancer; debilitating illnesses; whatever it may be, He is always there. There's no need to go through this life with no hope. We have a great God who loves us. Who can help heal any hurt or brokenness. Psalms 34:18 says "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". I'd say that covers our pain. Broken hearts and crushed spirits. Like I said at the beginning of this post, life. is. hard. I've had a broken heart and crushed spirit. I'm still dealing with difficult things in my own life, but my Jesus has never left me. He is helping to heal the broken parts, and lifting up my spirit. I know it's not easy. And life is not going to get any easier. No need to sugar coat it and make false promises. But I can promise you this, if you let Him, God will heal your heart, and never leave you in your time of need. He will show you what true joy and peace are and He will give you the strength you need to endure the hardships of this life. For those of you who are reading this, and you know Jesus, hold fast to Him as you go through the trials of this life. For those of you who don't know Jesus, I encourage you to find out more about Him. I promise you, it will be well worth it. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-52818790787134016802012-02-28T14:33:00.006-05:002012-02-29T15:27:57.844-05:00beauty from ashes.<blockquote></blockquote>I've come to a point in my life where I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. Yes, we don't know the future--so it's not like I'm the only one, but I've come to a place where I am at a loss as what I need to be doing with my life. There's a battle waging war inside of me because I so want to be an independent 25 year old with a job that has a regular[and much larger] paycheck. I'm tired of feeling like I'm still a child with rules, chores, and an allowance. This is how I've felt over the past year as I've gone from having a bi-weekly paycheck that brought in enough money to pay the bills I had as well as allowing me to save money and have spending money to being paid quarterly. Big adjustment, and it's been a huge disappointment. I've dealt with failed relationships--friend and boyfriend. I've dealt with a health crisis. At this point, I wonder what's next. I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. <div><br /></div><div>I've struggled with my relationship with God. When I needed Him, I knew He was there--and I cried out to Him. He helped me get through a very scary time in my life. He brought me through and brought about a miracle. But then it's like I all to quickly forgot that He was there--and that He wanted to be in relationship with me. I prayed. I read the Bible. [not faithfully like I should have] But I just didn't "feel" what I thought I should be feeling. Over the last several weeks, God has been slowly showing me some things. First of all, He is still there. He hasn't gone anywhere. Second, He's not going anywhere. Third, He wants me. Like I read in a friend's blog today about the song "How He Loves" how it says that "He is jealous for me"--the Creator of the earth is jealous for me! What? Why? This leads to the next thing. [We're on number 4] He loves me. He has always loved me. No matter what I have done. No matter how many times I fail Him. He still loves me. I don't understand why. As I had a very intense time wrestling with my feelings last night, I prayed, I read the Word, I journaled, I cried, I threw my hands up, I gave up. Now when I say, "I gave up"--that doesn't mean I'm done. It means I gave up everything that I have inside of me that I cannot control. All the things that I'm tired of worrying about. All the things I'm tired of being afraid of. All the dreams I want to happen but can't picture their coming true. Everything that I'm too weak to handle on my own. I gave it up. When I threw my hands up, and I mean literally, it was like I was handing off my cares, worries, fears, doubts, my everything--I handed it to God. Gave it to Him. I told Him that I didn't want it anymore. Now, that doesn't mean I won't still struggle with some things--but I don't need to be alone anymore trying to handle things on my own. I can't do this life without Him. I can't live without Him. I can't continue to go about my days with no direction. I need Him to help me. I need Him to guide me. To lift me up when I'm down, to hold me when I'm broken and bleeding. It's what He's there for. He wants to be my Provider, my Healer, my Caretaker, my Friend, my Father. He is strong enough to take care of my problems. He can handle the things that I can't seem to get a grasp on. He can make me strong enough, good enough, bold enough, etc.</div><div><br /></div><div>He's picking up the broken pieces of my life--and making me whole again. He is showing me how gracious, merciful, loving, and kind that He really is. </div><div><br /></div><div>During this time of refinement and being made more like Him, He is showing me the areas of my life that I need to work on. It's a good thing I've got His help. This[me] is not a pretty picture. There's a lot of things that need to be made right. I'm called to be like Him. If I am who I say I am, then I need to act like it. My actions haven't always backed up my words. It's time for things to change. This is not easy, I'm not looking forward to it--giving up what I want, and changing bad habits isn't going to be fun. I don't like knowing that I'm a sinner. Yet I am. I'm a sinner. Thankfully, I'm a sinner who has been saved by Grace. God is doing something good. He is working for my good. Oh, praise Him! </div><div><br /></div><div>I thought of a song "Beauty for Ashes"--and that's why my post is titled "beauty from ashes"--it's an oldie by Crystal Lewis and this is how it goes[ps. look it up]:</div><div><br /></div><blockquote><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;"><b>He gives beauty for ashes<br />Strength for fear<br />Gladness for mourning<br />Peace for despair<br /><br />When sorrow seems to surround you<br />When suffering hangs heavy oer your head<br />Know that tomorrow brings<br />Wholeness and healing<br />God knows your need<br />Just believe what He said<br /><br />He gives beauty for ashes<br />Strength for fear</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;"><b>Gladness for mourning<br />Peace for despair<br /><br />When what you've done keeps you from moving on<br />When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart<br />Know that forgiveness brings<br />Wholeness and healing<br />God knows your need<br />Just believe what He said<br /><br />He gives beauty for ashes<br />Strength for fear</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;"><b>Gladness for mourning<br />Peace for despair<br /><br />I once was lost but God has found me<br />Though I was bound I've been set free<br />I've been made righteous in His sight<br />A display of His splendor all can see<br /><br />He gives beauty for ashes<br />Strength for fear</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;"><b>Gladness for mourning<br />Peace for despair</b></span></div></blockquote><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;"><b></b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:12px;"> </span></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-23107631712087416042012-02-23T22:33:00.002-05:002012-02-23T23:07:58.761-05:00slacker? yes, i know.For some reason, I thought I had blogged already in 2012. But upon coming to my blog--after an almost two month hiatus, I realized that I had not yet blogged in 2012. Not that anything major has happened so far this year, but the year already seems to be flying by. <div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, how things have changed since this time last year. A lot has gone on. Yes, I am redundant. But a LOT has happened. It's funny how I look back on this day[and this week in general] last year and remember the nervousness I felt--as something new and unexpected came into my life. Wow. </div><div><br /></div><div>I never expected anything to happen the way it did. I guess I didn't really know what to expect. Having never gone through that type of experience before, I had nothing to compare it to. I have to tread lightly, lest I say some things that might be hurtful. I do not want to do that. Although I would love to be completely honest, for me to be so on here[not knowing who follows this] I need to be mindful of that and compassionate. It's something I'm working on. It was something that I have lost since my senior year of high school. Compassion. True caring for another person's well being. I won't go there. Another time, another hurt, another lost friendship--and I don't even know why. But onto this time last year. I was and am still not overly awesome at talking to guys. There are some who I can talk to so easily, while others I just blubber and probably look like an idiot. I am awkward. I feel like awkward should be my middle name. Anyways...I digress. I had been semi forced into a new adventure and didn't really know what the heck I was doing. Things happened quickly. Like a blur. The whole thing really went by quickly. I don't like how it ended, but it's what needed to happen. I know I didn't handle everything the way I needed to, and I know that I was hurtful. I never intended to be hurtful and cause another human being so much pain. But it was not right for me, and it was time to end things. I wish I could have had more maturity and wisdom this time last year. Maybe I would have handled things in a better way. The whole way through. But I guess I needed a learning experience. It was a hard lesson to learn. A lot of things were hard about it. I wish I could go back and undo some things. But I can't. That's what I don't like. But I have to live with the choices that were made in the past, and pray that the hurt I caused has subsided and we can both move on to the futures that God has for us. It's not always easy to see the reasoning behind certain things that we go through. Why did I have to lose my job? Why did I have a large mass grow in my abdomen? Why do I have to deal with certain situations with certain people? I know I'm being very self focused right now. But you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going with this. </div><div><br /></div><div>As I look back, I am trying to find the answers to my questions. What lessons did I learn--what do I take from my experience? Hopefully, I have learned from my past mistakes and can take that knowledge and wisdom into my next experience and be the exact person that God has made me to be. I know He is preparing me for the future. I'm struggling a lot with some future things. I am really not overly excited about my position in life. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, an awesome group of friends, and a wonderful church where I have some great ministry opportunities. It's the other major part--the part I didn't really want. My job. It's frustrating--and I wish I could change it. It's not what I wanted to do at all. I don't want to do it. But I have no choice--or so it seems. This is one big thing that God is going to have to really work on me with--to help me. I need a lot of knowledge, confidence, boldness, integrity, etc. This is a tough business. There's a lot I need to know about. I need to stay on top of things---as well as become more of a driven person. I NEVER, and I mean NEVER wanted to be in sales. And that's exactly where I am. I have to make a sales pitch to entice people to want to do business with me. If I'm unsuccessful, I don't get paid. I'm struggling the most with the fact that two years ago I had a steady paycheck. I was supporting myself. Yes, I still lived at home--but my parents didn't have to help me with my bills. I was also able to save money. Now I am completely dependent on them. It's not how I pictured my life at 25. </div><div><br /></div><div>I foresee 2012 as being another year filled with challenges that are going to teach me many more things that I need to learn before God allows me to "move on" to the next part of my life. I don't know the future, and maybe things are going to be really "easy" for me, but I see God using this time to refine me and grow me. I'm okay with that. As I'm reading in Genesis along with a commentary called "Be Authentic"--I want my life and my faith to be authentic. I want people to see me as a genuine person. Someone who cares--someone who is not afraid--someone who follows after God without any questions as to why He's taking me to a place I never wanted to go. I see where disobedience will get me. It's not a fun place. I am working on being obedient. I want to do God's will. I just need His help. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Sorry to be so "debbie downer" with this, but it's where I am right now. God has helped me out tremendously over the past several months. As I learn how to be completely dependent on Him, instead of trying to do everything on my own, I know life will get better. Not saying easier--but just better. So if I have encouragement to leave with anyone who may happen to read this: Don't give up. Press on. Rely on God. Let go of your independence--and let Him take you to the place He wants you to be--because there will be a great reward--and great joy. It's worth it. It will all be worth it in the end. Because He is faithful. And good. And lots of other super awesome things--because that's what He is--a super awesome God! </div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-58195290052505731842011-12-30T16:37:00.003-05:002011-12-30T17:04:45.535-05:002011: a year in review.It's funny how at the end of every year we tend to look back at the year and think about everything we did[or didn't do] and make a list of things we plan to accomplish in the next year. We even dream about what the new year will be like. But I'm almost certain most of us do not even expect what happens in the new year. When we look back at a year in review we remember where we were a year ago and what was going on in our lives. So as I pause to look back at 2011, I remember where I was this time last year and what I had hoped for 2011. <div><br /></div><div>This time last year...</div><div>1. I had a full time job at a daycare. </div><div>2. I lived at home with my parents and little brother.</div><div>3. I sang in the Engage service.</div><div>4. I had plans to quit my job. </div><div>5. I had dreams that I wanted to come true.</div><div>6. I was in fairly good health.</div><div>7. I had gotten over another major disappointment. </div><div><br /></div><div>As I look at where I am now, there are still several things that haven't changed. Now for the things that have. </div><div><br /></div><div>This year...</div><div>1. I'm self-employed working in the business world. </div><div>2. I am almost fully recovered from a major surgery that I had 6 weeks ago today.</div><div>3. I now work with CG Kids on Wednesday nights. </div><div>4. I've learned a lot about relationships.</div><div>5. I'm patiently waiting[attempting] for that special person...with a new perspective on it. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>It really is funny how things happen. You have such high expectations for the new year to come. And as I look back, I had things happen that I wanted to happen. Now how those things happened or the outcomes weren't necessarily what I wanted, but God has taught me a lot. I also now see why certain things happened. This time last year I didn't know that I was going to have some pretty big health issues. If I was still working at the daycare--well let's just say I would have lost my job anyways because of those issues. God was gracious in a lot of things. Some things I don't "love" about my life have been blessings. I'm right where I'm suppose to be. Even if I do get very frustrated with things, I know that God is working and He has plans and a purpose for me that are for my good.</div><div><br /></div><div>This year I'm not going to make a list of things I want to accomplish next year. I have things I want to do and things I want to happen[but that's been a running list for quite a few years now, so why bother with a list]. But I trust that 2012 will be another year filled with many blessings and lessons. Regardless of what they are, I know that this time next year, I'll be thankful for what God has done for me and what He has brought me through in 2012. </div><div><br /></div><div>Peace, love and blessings as we leave 2011 and look to a new year that's fresh and one filled with endless possibilities. Be joyful friends because God is good. All the time. </div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-47605981424288963612011-12-05T23:13:00.002-05:002011-12-05T23:32:03.936-05:00blessed beyond belief.Today I found out some of the greatest news I have heard in a very long time. I had my appointment today with the doctor who did my surgery almost 3 weeks ago. She wanted to go over my pathology report with me. I admit I was anxious about finding out my results. When you hear that your doctor wants to go over results face to face, you get a feeling in your gut that it means you're going to hear bad news. Well today, my news was good. I found out that I did not have cancer. PRAISE THE LORD! Instead, I had one borderline tumor and one benign cyst. Because I had a borderline tumor, my doctor wants to keep a close eye on me. That means I'll be going to see her several times a year for exams and for blood tests. I'll be treated like an ovarian cancer patient. Even though I do not have cancer, and a very small chance of developing it--I could still develop another borderline tumor from my remaining ovary. Due to this chance, and her wanting to preserve my remaining ovary, she is going to make sure that I'm well taken care of. I also will be put on birth control which will help regulate some things, and help to prevent another cyst/borderline tumor from forming. <div><br /></div><div>I must admit I had no intentions of going on birth control until I got married. In fact, depending on when I got married, I don't even know if I would have gone on it. But based on the recommendation of my doctor, I'm going to listen to her and go on it. I would like to prevent another cyst/borderline tumor from forming as well as preserving my remaining ovary. I've been told I'll still be able to have my own children--the doctor doesn't seem to think I'll have any complications. So I hold onto the hope from her words as well as hope that God will give me the desires of my heart[which is to have my own children someday]. He has been so good and faithful to me so far, and I trust His will for my life[which I selfishly hope is for me to have my own children] :) </div><div><br /></div><div>I just wanted to share my wonderful news with whoever happens to read my blog. I've been so blessed this year. I pray you also have something wonderful to be thankful for this year. God is good. ALL THE TIME! </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, and onto some other amazing news--my cousin, Stephen, is safely back in the states from his deployment to Iraq! I look forward to spending Christmas with he, his beautiful[and pregnant] wife, Jo; his parents; one of his brothers; and my wonderful parents and brother! :) </div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-63263202833737563282011-12-01T00:15:00.002-05:002011-12-01T00:35:09.689-05:00december?Wow. That's about all I can say about how quickly this year has gone by. It is already December, and the Christmas season is upon us--and we have 24 more shopping days left--and 25 days til that big day! I must say I'm looking forward to this month. There is so much going on this month that I'm so looking forward to. Christmas parties, Christmas programs, Christmas family get togethers, etc. I love Christmas! I love the music, movies, parties, lights, trees, decorations, and of course...food! <div><br /></div><div>This year though brings about some different feelings for me. I've had a lot happen this year and especially over the past couple of months. The trials that I've gone through have shown me some things that I need to work on in myself. And with the Christmas season in full swing--it's time I take some of the lessons I've learned to heart and act in a Christlike mood. It is, after all, the season in which we celebrate His birth. That's why it's called Christmas. It's all about Him. No one else. I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to celebrate. I have almost been given a clean bill of health[after my doctor's appointment Monday--I'll know for sure] and I have everything that I could ever need and so much more! </div><div><br /></div><div>There are so many people who are so much less fortunate than I am and dealing with things that I could never even imagine having to deal with. It's by the grace of God that I have gotten through the past couple of months. But there are so many people who are not as blessed as I am. I have wonderful doctors and medical care, a successful surgery, a family who loves me and wants to help take care of me as I recover, and insurance to help defray most of my medical costs. It's such a blessing to have that, especially at this time of the year--the holidays are a hard time for a lot of people because money is a huge issue. There are so many families and people who are hurting and we are in such a hurry to get our shopping done, get to our parties on time, or whatever else it is we have occupying our minds and blinding us to the needs of others. This is the time of year when those of us who have been blessed and fortunate enough to have plenty should be aware of the people around us who are struggling. </div><div><br /></div><div>I want to challenge anyone reading this, as well as myself to stop. Look around you. Take off your blinders and see the people around you who may need a little help this Christmas. Let us not be so consumed with ourselves and all the stuff that we need/want, and let us be like Christ and give of ourselves. He gave so much, for what? He didn't expect anything in return. Now as a believer and a follower of Christ, I am called to give to the poor and take care of those less fortunate. I have been given much[responsibility/talents/etc] so that I can help others. No matter what I do for others--a kind word, opening a door, carrying groceries, taking someone to the doctor, etc. Find ways to help people who are in need. It doesn't matter how small. The best way to start out is doing little things. Then work your way up. And I promise by doing things for others, you will be blessed by it. Some of the times of greatest fulfillment in my life have come when I've been doing things for others. We are called to be servants. So let's get some practice. This is the perfect time to start! </div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-42473794658489507822011-11-27T22:33:00.002-05:002011-11-27T23:05:40.257-05:00thankful.blessed.recovering.This year has been a whirlwind of emotional events. If you had told me this time last year everything that was going to happen to me over the next 12 months, I would have laughed in your face. I've had some pretty major things happen: I lost my job; had my first boyfriend; broke up with my first boyfriend; took a super hard test[twice]; got a new job; had some health problems that ended up in me having surgery. <div><br /></div><div>Yeah, crazy stuff has happened this year. 2011 has been interesting to say the least. And my 25th year started out to be very interesting. These first two months into it have been two very difficult, scary months. I've been to a ton of doctors, had big tests done, and major surgery. I never thought that I would, at age 25, develop a very large cyst in my abdomen and have to have surgery to remove that. That was only part of the surgery--I also lost a couple female things--and had another cyst that had to be removed. The major cyst that I had that was found on my CT scan turned out to be 25 inches long and they drained 6 liters of fluid. Since my surgery, I've lost a total of 21 pounds! Crazy! This thing had been growing inside my body, unnoticed for a while--and I didn't feel it! God works in mysterious ways. Had it not been for heart issues that caused me to go to the doctor in the first place---I do not know when or how it would have been found. In fact, something worse could have happened. But I'm clear of what I deemed "Olga"--she is gone, been tested, and has been disposed of. I'm only left to wait a little bit more for results from the tests done on the cysts and to get my not so wonderful, lovely, comfy staples removed. </div><div><br /></div><div>There's been a lot of waiting. I had to wait for doctors to be available. Wait for results. Wait for surgery. Now back to waiting for more results. I really don't like waiting. I would like to know for certain that the alien thing that was removed from my body did not have any cancerous cells in it. I'm pretty sure I don't have cancer--but then again--I never thought that when I started having heart issues that it would lead to major surgery to remove a ginormous cyst. So I just need to be patient, wait on God, take peace in His control over my situation and rest. </div><div><br /></div><div>Today, because I'm still recovering at home, I watched our Engage service online. Our new youth pastor preached today about rest. He preached from Psalm 23--and challenged us to learn how to find time in our days to rest in God's word. It's so important to stay connected to our Savior and draw closer to Him through quiet times in the day when we talk to Him and read His word. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is something that I struggle with. Just being honest. I've gone through my good days and my bad days. I'm not perfect. I wish it came easier for me to rest and be quiet. To take the time[that I really do have a whole lot of at the moment] to spend with my Savior everyday--seems to be so hard. When I really have no excuse to not take time and rest in my Savior and all that He has done for me. And He really has done a lot for me this year. He has taught me quite a bit about Himself--as well as teaching me about me. I'm still learning life lessons as I continue to deal with different situations--especially new ones--things I've never had to deal with before. Sometimes "growing up" sucks. I'm definitely still a kid at heart. Heck I still live at home--and am soaking it up[but also very grateful for] my parents and how they have cared for me and been there for me so much--especially these past couple of months. They have sacrificed so much for me--and I know that this has also been very difficult for them too. But I know everything that they have done for me--it's because they love me. I am so thankful for them. I'm so thankful for their love, support, time, and care. They've given me so much that I don't deserve. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have been so blessed this year. I've been blessed to have such wonderful parents, a loving family, super supportive friends---and an awesome church family. God has been good. </div><div><br /></div><div>So to end tonight, what are you thankful for? What has God blessed you with this year--maybe it's something you didn't really realize until now--some things are little and not as obvious as maybe the bigger blessings. It's okay to be thankful for those little things too. Because there are a lot of little things I'm thankful for: getting "get well" cards/letters/pictures in the mail, "get well" flowers, visits from friends, comfy pants, my mom staying with me in the hospital every night, having an appetite again, etc. These are all little random blessings as I like to call them.</div><div><br /></div><div>Where has this year taken you? Is it what you thought it would be? I know we have a little over a month left--but I know this year has brought a lot of surprises for me. I'm curious about next year. I'm hoping it's a "quieter" year, but I won't turn down chances to be surprised in not so quiet ways. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I'm still praying I meet my future husband next year[I pray this every year--we'll see if 2012 is my year--or I could still meet him in 2011--I got time, right?!] haha </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>seek peace. show love. find rest.</div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-24649551175262397592011-11-07T18:56:00.002-05:002011-11-07T19:08:26.184-05:00i fail...at blogging.<div>I'm really terrible at keeping up with this blog. I had great intentions for keeping up with it on a more regular basis. But I'm good if I get in one entry a month now. It's not like I've been super busy recently. I've just had a lot of stuff going on. Yes, contradiction. When I mean I have a lot of stuff going on, I refer to my last post. I'm still waiting to find out what is going on with my health. I found out my ankle is sprained and that I have an abdominal cyst. But that is all I know right now. I have to go back to the doc in the morning to retake my blood--to recheck some elevated levels. I will also be having a CT scan [hopefully] this week. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm a terrible waiter. I hate it. I wish I could blink my eyes, wiggle my nose, or say the magic word and "POOF" I have my answers. I would like to know that the cyst on my abdomen has caused my heart related issues. I would like to know that the cyst is nothing major--and that it's just a random cyst that is pretty common in a lot of people. I would also like to know that my blood levels are all normal after I have my blood retaken. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm in a betweenish state of being worried/not worried/totally freaked out. If I think too much, I come up with the worst case scenario. In my heart of hearts[what the heck does that even really mean?], I know that I'm not in my worst case scenario. But it could be that I may have some health issues that quite possibly I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. So maybe this ordeal is all about teaching me patience and teaching me how to trust--and rest in God's peace. Not the easiest thing for me to do. But I'm trying. Again, I have good intentions. We'll see how I hold out until I have the answers. I know I have a very strong support system. A great family, amazing friends, and an awesome church behind me. There are a lot of people praying for me--and quite a few of those people are those I don't even know! That's encouraging. It makes me feel good to know that I am loved and cared for, and that gives me some peace and comfort. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, that is about all for tonight. Semi-short. But just to update any who want to know my status. Oh--besides this stuff--I'm getting ready for the Christmas program at church. I'm singing in the choir and in a quartet. So I'm learning some great Christmas songs! Which I absolutely love! :) I LOVE Christmas--and everything about the season--and of course why we celebrate! Because if not for Christ, where would we be? :) </div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-22298177072564845782011-10-17T22:16:00.002-04:002011-10-17T23:04:42.582-04:00change of perspective.Over the past 5 weeks, I've had my world semi tilted off its axis. I thought I was clear of stress related issues after I had taken and [finally] passed my exam. I never thought that the day[night] after my test was over that I would wake up in the middle of the night to my heart racing and my body shaking out of my control. I didn't expect on that night that I would have several other episodes and would be dealing with the unknown as I went to the doctor who then set me up to see a cardiologist. Then I never would have imagined that I would have a heart monitor attached to my body for a month, or that I would have to have an echo cardiogram done. Heart issues are for old people, or people with poor health. <div><br /></div><div>Let me tell you, blog readers, that this has been a difficult period in my life. The uncertainty, the worry, the fear, the anxiety[yes I know some of these words mean practically the same thing], the doubt, the questioning...it's all been a bit overwhelming. The more I focus on my issue[whatever it may be, because I don't know what's causing it] the more I think and "feel" that something is really wrong with me. I tend to go to the worst case scenario, and think "I'm going to die". First of all, I'm not dying--not now at least[I don't plan on that till I'm old and gray]. I just have all these things come into my head, and I dwell. Then fear begins to grow. Then I "feel" my heart beating--it's hard to explain this--it just kind of feels like it may beat out of my chest[not really--because my pulse isn't racing] I know it's confusing. Just go with it. I then come to the conclusion in my head that something is really wrong--and then I can't sleep or I have an episode. Nighttime is the worst. I dread nighttime now. I hate going to bed...because I dread having an episode. Granted, I have this super duper beeper sized thing attached to my body to record my "episodes" to help the doctor figure out what's going on, but I still do not enjoy having my heart race and the shaking that follows. I also found out my bilirubin count is high and then I got a stress fracture. All in a matter of the past 5 weeks. It's been a crazy mess. </div><div><br /></div><div>Okay, enough of this "woe is me....my life is awful....etc". I have had to have a little bit of a perspective shift. A change in my point of view of the issue at hand. Granted, I still have my worries, fear, etc. But I have come to realize--and need constant reminders of a couple of things. First of all, and most importantly--God is in control. Okay, why am I still worried? Oh it's this little thing called weakness[in me] and my flesh. Secondly, there are much worse things that I could be dealing with. Case and point, last week in Lifegroup, I drew someone's prayer request for their friend who has brain cancer. So, all last week, I prayed for this person everyday[and am continuing to] who is struggling with an illness that is so menacing and horrible. I know there are probably better words to describe that dreaded word, but that's what I've got for now. Here is a person, who has a disease in their brain that doesn't seem to want to go away. I don't know the whole story, but I know it's not good. I cannot imagine what this person is going through, what they are feeling, what they are thinking. I'm sure they've asked God "Why?", "Why me?", "What did I do to deserve this?", etc....at least those would be some of my questions probably followed by some anger issues as well. [This is how I've dealt with my health "issues"] As I have prayed for this person, God has shown me that I'm really okay. If there were something really seriously wrong with me, I'm pretty sure the doctors would act more concerned--and something would be done to help make me better. I am thankful that I'm not dealing with treatments, hospitals, medicine, IV's, etc. Yes, I have had to go to the doctor a few times, and I have a heart monitor on. But this pales in comparison to what life would be like if I were in the shoes of this person with brain cancer. </div><div><br /></div><div>It makes me sad that I am so selfish and close minded. Why did I get so upset the other day because I didn't like what I had in my closet[that was clean] to wear? Oh, because my heart monitor wires were sticking out? Seriously, I got upset because of that!?! Wow, reality check time. I still have a full head of hair. I can go out and hang out with my friends and not worry about getting a cold that could potentially lead to my death because my immune system is so low from my cancer treatments. Perspective[oh and some wisdom and harsh, but truthful words from my dad] on my situation made what I'm dealing with seem much more bearable and easier to deal with. Yes, I still am afraid of what the doctors could find--but why do I fear something that could easily be fixed by medicine, vitamins, or surgery? I also know that I have a mighty God who can heal me[as well as this person with cancer--and I pray that is God's will and very earnestly so]. Words from a powerful worship song keep coming back to my mind to help keep me focused on the One who has all the power <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;"><i>"Whom then shall I fear, whom then shall I fear? Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go. LORD, you never let go of me" </i></span></b> When I start to doubt, and fear begins to creep in I sing this song to myself to reassure me that the One who created me will never let me go. He'll never leave my side. He'll never leave me on my own to fight this battle. He is there with me every step of the way. To give me peace. To give me hope. To give me joy. To give me comfort. To give me life. </div><div><br /></div><div>I know that God would never give me more than I can handle. I must say, sometimes it's hard to believe. But think about it. Think about your life. Then think about your neighbor. Think about a coworker. Think about a child in a third world country, or even the child who rides the bus with your kids. Do you know what they are dealing with? Are they dealing with a terminal illness? Are they dealing with hunger? Are they dealing with homelessness? Are they dealing with abuse? Sometimes the best thing you can do to help you put things in perspective in your life, is to count your blessings. Do it. Write them down on a piece of paper. See all the wonderful things that God is doing in your life or has done for you already. Of course the one at the top of the list is that God gave you life. Eternal life through the wonderful gift of salvation from the precious sacrifice of His only and perfect Son, Jesus. That's all that really matters. Even if we suffer trials, think about your Savior. Remember what He did for you, so we wouldn't have to suffer. And when I talk about suffer, I'm talking about the suffering that we'd have to do had Jesus not died for us and paid the debt that we could never repay. Romans tells us that what we deserve is death because of our sin[and that means total and complete separation from God], but because of Jesus we have eternal life[if we accept His gift of salvation]. Yes, life is hard. But He never said it would be easy. It's a race that we are all running. I want to finish well. So through this trial, I want to persevere through it well. I want to keep the faith. I have hope of a glorious ending and the wonderful gift of an eternal life with my LORD. I look forward to that day when I will praise Him forever in the most AMAZING worship I can[or more like can't because of my finite mind] imagine. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>So I challenge you, if you are going through a difficult time in your life to remember and focus on the One who made you. On the One who saved you. On the One who has your best interest in mind and can carry you through your trials. Don't let Him go--because He, for sure, will NEVER LET YOU GO! </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-75669007267003652602011-09-30T09:45:00.003-04:002011-09-30T15:01:07.415-04:00reminders.It's been a rough year so far. I've had a lot of ups followed by a lot of downs. I have not enjoyed some of the "junk" that I've had to deal with and I've also not been faithful in giving all that "junk" to my Savior. I've had two very real reminders of how small and powerless I am on my own. Last night(or rather very early this morning) I experienced my second "panic/anxiety" attack. My heart was racing and I had tremors/shakes throughout my body. When this happened two weeks ago--I thought I was dying. Then I thought that it was a reaction to a cold medicine mixed with melatonin. Well I know now that I did not have a reaction that night two weeks ago. All I can gather is that I had a panic attack. It's strange how these "attacks" come after I've experienced great triumphs. Two weeks ago, I passed my exam. Yesterday, I did business for the first time. I don't understand why these "attacks" have happened following something that was a great stressor to me. Maybe it was the end result and my body "detoxing" from the stress. I don't know. All I know is I do not like having these attacks. I was hoping it was only going to be a one time thing. But after some realizations--I need to go to the doctor. I also need to go to my Savior. I know I haven't been fully relying on Him the way I should be. It's like I'm trying to prove a point that I can do this life alone. Well, I'm wrong every time. And I can't say for certain whether this "attack" was also a spiritual attack, but it very well could be. I'm left with an unsettling feeling that something major could be wrong with me, or it could be just plain old anxiety. Which in my case has been something I've had for a long time--but never has it lead to a panic attack until now. God keeps on trying to remind me that He is God, and I am not. He is in control, and I am not. He is all powerful, and I am not. It's time I get my butt in gear. I don't like games and I don't want to play them. It's time to get real and give up everything I am and everything I have to Him. A complete surrender. If I don't, I feel like these attacks are going to continue. <div><br /></div><div>I'm writing this so that any of you who care to, would please pray for me. Pray for strength. Pray for courage. Pray for steadfastness. Pray for peace. I just need prayers. I know I do not need to worry. I know that God is in control. I know that He has already overcome this world. I just need His strength and peace in my life. I need it just as much as the air that I'm breathing. I don't know if anyone else has had any similar experiences--and can maybe offer some encouragement. But I'll take anything I can get at this point. I can't do this life alone. God has placed people in my life to be encouraging and uplifting. I need to start relying on Him to provide me with everything I need and to take away my worries and fears. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I'm going to end with this verse because it is one that I need to take hold of and rely on its promise:</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 19, 32); line-height: 21px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><b>"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10</b></span></span></span></div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8897906270959819685.post-35526698004953708272011-09-12T15:57:00.006-04:002011-09-12T16:35:53.800-04:00family forever.<div style="text-align: left;">Family is something that is very important to me. My family is very supportive, loving, nurturing, and accepting. They are not perfect, as no family is, but they are pretty amazing. I come from two sides of very loving families. The Wilson family and the Carpenter family. This post is pretty much dedicated to the Carpenter side due to the fact we had a family reunion yesterday.</div><div><br /><div>There is great significance to this day, as it would have been my Meemau's 95th birthday. Two years ago she celebrated her last birthday here on this earth, and it was the day before she left this earth. The past two years have been very hard for me as I have lost one of the most important people in my life. She was the grandmother that I never had [due to both of mine passing away when I was one]. She was the rock in our family. Every holiday was spent at her house. Yesterday my cousins and I reminisced about the good old days when we were all younger at Meemau's big white house on Dale Drive. Food was a big part of it. As we indulged in a delicious feast yesterday, it took us back to the way things were--first course, always dip and chips/veggies; second course, the main meal[which always consisted of a delicious meat, mashed potatoes, and mac and cheese, bread, etc; then the last but not least course--dessert. Now at Meemau's house--dessert was always brought out last--never put out with the main course. It was something we had to wait for. Which is what we must do with all good things. There was certain protocol at meal times--as in kids go first--haha---and NO DOUBLE DIPPING! I will not name names, but we did have some double dippers. We still love you though--you who shall remain nameless. Yesterday we kept some of Meemau's traditions alive. Three course meal that we all had way to much of that included mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, bread, and of course we had dip[Thanks, Mere!] and a slew of desserts[Thanks, Aunt Laura!] And to wash it all down--Meemau's famous punch[Thanks, Aunt Debbie!] The only things that had changed were the location, and we were missing that one very special person, Meemau. But she was definitely not forgotten. [This was the last picture I took with my Meemau--April 2009]</div><div><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimqQxVMOZSLnaygWzGNdG_gq9QBFqw1NZdGEYt4kv5okhTLTKkzr9GU1k2iyMRrtN2NbqIfKx_Jm_dwD-dGCvWTpOrxlKS-pwBpKU9XqlbzHQJGphqIW_MrGn46Dbm86OsyOtB6hcjZCQ/s320/P4180542.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5651571406344561618" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">We are all getting older, several of the cousins are in college, some have already graduated and are working, several are married, and a few have kids. It's funny to see who is now taller than who---and find out about that special someone who might be "the one"--it was so great to be together and spend time and catch up on what we are all doing. First of all, my dad is one of 6 kids--so that's quite a few aunts and uncles--plus I have 24 first cousins---not including spouses and children of some of those! So needless to say there was a full house. Of course, we cannot forget our beloved Grandad. Who is always there to give you a big bear hug, tell you he loves you and he's praying for you everyday. We also had our favorite "great" aunt Kay--who knows all the "dirt" about the cousins and the hilarious stories that some of us would like to forget. Yesterday was a wonderful day to be with my family and remember and treasure the memories from the past as well as making many new memories.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I love my family. I am so thankful for them. I would not trade them for anything in this world. I only wish we were all closer--but it does make those times we are together very precious and I look forward to the next time we will all be together!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 222px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioFGafGCQfUxt-neU2TxO-9ae2pTdIZjMYjihuiwpIdB4it2e6yskRz0edWk135VrltC4-ErToe_TYAaKVmJHdI7Wjq3zhaHRVz6WTaLOj-KR3ftB58SzQD0o0RTANAug2Bn6eesERPPA/s320/DSCN1233.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5651571402525071650" /><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">[Cousin girls: Amber, Erin, Meredith, me, Meghan]</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div>jachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04147651096065324273noreply@blogger.com1