how can it be that 2009 is almost over?
how is that possible? my mind is blown away by how fast this year has gone by. december always seems to sneak up on us...even though in july it seems as if december is so far away....you blink and it's december. sometimes i hate that...and other times i think of how it means that i'm not stuck in one thing for too long. i don't know if that makes sense. but to me it just equals me being that much closer to the things that i want to happen...like being done with school, getting a job...and those other things that are on the "dream" list. i have a lot of things that i want to happen. for some reason i expect all of these things to happen in a short amount of time. well as each year passes, only 1, maybe 2 things happen. i guess i can check off graduating from college and finding a job off of my list. but there were other things that i wanted to happen this year too, but they haven't. and then there are things that happen that i don't like thinking about or even dreaming about happening. that's the loss of people that you are so close to and then being forced to grow up and learning how to move on to new stages of life. sometimes my fears get in the way. ok. i'll be honest almost all of the time my fear gets in the way of what should be excitement for having moved from one stage of life to another. i wish i had a preview for the years to come, so maybe that would give me time to prepare myself for the future. but i do not have that luxury. many times i pray that God will just come back now, because i'm tired of things. it's the times that i get really down and having those constant pity parties because i'm not experiencing certain life things that others are experiencing. even though, i know, that i'm not ready completely for those life things to happen yet....even if there's more excitement about those things than actual fear over the thought of those realities coming true. for those that know me really well, you know exactly what life experiences i'm talking about. how i've tried so hard...or am still trying to learn how to be content in the place where i am now, i cannot seem to get there completely. i feel like i'm being left behind, but logic tells me it's that much closer for me. maybe not as close as i think or want it to be....but it will be here in the blink of an eye. just like life and how fast it seems to go by. the passage of time never allows me to really enjoy the time that i'm in because i'm always worrying about the future and thinking about the next thing. i need to focus more on the here and now. it's funny how things happen. how time goes by and you don't even realize it. you just live day to day...and the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months....just go by. the moments just pass you by. if you're not careful you'll miss out the special little moments. an amazing sunrise or sunset that testifies to the awesome hand of our Creator. the waves crashing on the sand at the beach. watching birds fly south. enjoying a drive with beautiful scenery. the change of the leaves. a good song on the radio that warms your heart. little things. rainshowers. snow days. day trips. playing a board game. laughing with friends. the culmination of these little things add up to make up a sweet harmony to go along with our lives. i always seem to picture myself in a movie with a song playing in the background. the music in my head always seems to mirror whatever situation i'm in. sometimes the song is sad, sometimes it is mad, sometimes it is bitter, sometimes it is frustrated, and sometimes it is happy. all these things add up to the soundtrack of our lives. it's funny how when i hear certain songs now i attribute them to a particular time in my life and how that song seemed to match whatever i was going through. sometimes those songs will make me laugh and even sometimes cry. i seem to be very emotional lately, so there might be more crying than laughing. although i tend to laugh at myself a lot. just because i'm random, awkward, and silly. so i have to laugh at myself. :) ok, so 2009. it's coming to an end. Christmas is coming. i'm nowhere near ready. i have yet to buy the first Christmas present. i seem to have no time...i really hate clocks. i swear they are going faster than time really is, just like the sun....it's playing tricks on us and setting to early. oh well. now i need to attempt to catch up to my life, live for the now, look forward [in hope] to the future. and finish my soundtrack for 2009 and start working on the one for 2010...only because i'm a procrastinator. ;)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
i can't quite seem to keep up with this...
So I don't even remember the last time I blogged.
It's been a few weeks for sure. I think. I didn't look at it to see. My life has been consumed by working 40 hours a week, singing in the choir, Bible study, teaching the 2 year olds on Sunday mornings, and I'll be starting to sing at the Engage service starting this week. So that leads me to about having no life. Or a life that even resembles the one I use to live. I hardly ever hang out with friends, but I am working on that one. I went to game night a couple weeks ago which I'm so glad I went to and even stayed out til midnight! Hahaha. I haven't seen midnight maybe once or twice in the past 8ish weeks. I've been so exhausted that the only thing I feel like doing when I get off of work is come home and crash. I had all these plans to do new things once I graduated and "grew up"...well those new things have yet to occur. I had every intention of learning how to play the guitar...and well...I've really been slacking. I wish I had my "teacher" closer...but he is in Buies Creek. No bueno. So my life really hasn't been that exciting. I don't really have a lot to share. I will try not to use this to complain about things that I don't really like right now. Issues that I'm having with my job, etc. I really need to decide what it is I want to do. I need to a). look into grad school and figure out what I want to study and b). be on the lookout for another job.
I've been a big slacker in so many areas of my life. I'm trying to get myself organized. I hardly ever make my bed anymore. That is not like me. I always make my bed, but I'm too tired to do it and I fall into it again around 9 every night anyways....so yeah. I gotta work on myself. Get my life under control. I sure do miss a lot of things from the "old days"....or recent days. I miss my friends terribly and I miss the independence I use to have. I miss the freedom I had and the lack of "responsibility". Being grown-up is not so fun right now. I'm still getting use to it...I know, I know it sure is taking me a while. Remember I'm not a big fan of change...so my adjusting skills are pretty slow. So yeah. That's about it. I'm so excited about Thanksgiving. I have three days off next week and my family is going to be spending it up in N. VA with my mom's sisters and their families! I am so ready to see everyone and enjoy spending time with them. This is one reason why I love the holidays so much. I get to see all my family and we are all together. It makes me happy. Although this is going to be a very difficult season because it is the first one without my Meemau. I've taken her death a lot harder than I've taken any of the other deaths I've experienced in my family. Not saying I didn't love my PaPa...I have complete peace knowing I will see him again. But I'm still uncertain about my Meemau. I've never grieved like this over a death before. I will think of the most random things and it will trigger a memory and then I just want to break down and cry. I've done a lot of that over the past two and half months. It's been really hard for me. I miss her so much and my heart still hurts a lot over the loss of her. She was so very special to me. I just hope she is safely in Heaven right now. I really wish I knew. I wish I could just get a glimpse of it and know she's there. I really hate not knowing. And I especially hate waiting.
Ok, so enough of that. I need to go try to play my part for this Sunday on the piano. Even though I don't even know how to play....haha. I also need a better attitude.
I'm a piece of work, that's for sure.
It's been a few weeks for sure. I think. I didn't look at it to see. My life has been consumed by working 40 hours a week, singing in the choir, Bible study, teaching the 2 year olds on Sunday mornings, and I'll be starting to sing at the Engage service starting this week. So that leads me to about having no life. Or a life that even resembles the one I use to live. I hardly ever hang out with friends, but I am working on that one. I went to game night a couple weeks ago which I'm so glad I went to and even stayed out til midnight! Hahaha. I haven't seen midnight maybe once or twice in the past 8ish weeks. I've been so exhausted that the only thing I feel like doing when I get off of work is come home and crash. I had all these plans to do new things once I graduated and "grew up"...well those new things have yet to occur. I had every intention of learning how to play the guitar...and well...I've really been slacking. I wish I had my "teacher" closer...but he is in Buies Creek. No bueno. So my life really hasn't been that exciting. I don't really have a lot to share. I will try not to use this to complain about things that I don't really like right now. Issues that I'm having with my job, etc. I really need to decide what it is I want to do. I need to a). look into grad school and figure out what I want to study and b). be on the lookout for another job.
I've been a big slacker in so many areas of my life. I'm trying to get myself organized. I hardly ever make my bed anymore. That is not like me. I always make my bed, but I'm too tired to do it and I fall into it again around 9 every night anyways....so yeah. I gotta work on myself. Get my life under control. I sure do miss a lot of things from the "old days"....or recent days. I miss my friends terribly and I miss the independence I use to have. I miss the freedom I had and the lack of "responsibility". Being grown-up is not so fun right now. I'm still getting use to it...I know, I know it sure is taking me a while. Remember I'm not a big fan of change...so my adjusting skills are pretty slow. So yeah. That's about it. I'm so excited about Thanksgiving. I have three days off next week and my family is going to be spending it up in N. VA with my mom's sisters and their families! I am so ready to see everyone and enjoy spending time with them. This is one reason why I love the holidays so much. I get to see all my family and we are all together. It makes me happy. Although this is going to be a very difficult season because it is the first one without my Meemau. I've taken her death a lot harder than I've taken any of the other deaths I've experienced in my family. Not saying I didn't love my PaPa...I have complete peace knowing I will see him again. But I'm still uncertain about my Meemau. I've never grieved like this over a death before. I will think of the most random things and it will trigger a memory and then I just want to break down and cry. I've done a lot of that over the past two and half months. It's been really hard for me. I miss her so much and my heart still hurts a lot over the loss of her. She was so very special to me. I just hope she is safely in Heaven right now. I really wish I knew. I wish I could just get a glimpse of it and know she's there. I really hate not knowing. And I especially hate waiting.
Ok, so enough of that. I need to go try to play my part for this Sunday on the piano. Even though I don't even know how to play....haha. I also need a better attitude.
I'm a piece of work, that's for sure.
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