learning--

So I tend to find myself in a constant state of learning. There's the saying that you "learn something new ever day"...well I know that's a very accurate statement. Most of the time, I tend to learn new things about myself...because I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately and the direction in which my life is going. I've also been doing a whole lot of thinking about things that relate to the future, but are kind of sort of in the present[I know I'm vague, but that's how it's going to be for now] I have several areas in my life that I'm working on learning how to be more mature in. But there are some things that are so hard for me. I want to be better, and not worry about these things so much, but they consume my thoughts. One of those things has become almost an obsession. I'm really working on letting it go, but for some reason it won't go away. I've prayed that God would just take it away. But it's still here, and maybe I'm not praying earnestly enough and constantly about it. But it's one of the biggest things I struggle with and now more so than ever because of the stage of life that I'm in. Some things seem to happen so much more easily for others, and I seem to be the one left in the dust in last place. I know...patience. Patience is a virtue but I find it hard to know what I need to do, or if I just need to let it go. I also have a problem with being unable to be bolder in this area of my life. I wish I could be more outgoing and comfortable, but it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I end up acting more like an idiot in certain social situations because I'm uncomfortable. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my freshmen year of college. I seemed to do a lot better in this area then and I've just seemed to go backward again. Being an introvert is not always fun.

In the other area of my life, my struggles seem to stem from jealousy. Wishing that I was better because I don't seem to get the opportunities that some people have...because they are better than I am. But then again, my introversion[is that a word? well I'm making it a word now...] gets in the way again...because the thing I would love to do, would only be brought down by my stinking shyness and lack of confidence. But I still wish I could be given the chances to do some things. To help push me and force me to be bolder and more confident. I've dealt with this for several years. Although I've been given many great chances in doing the thing that I want to do, I can see that maybe I'd only stumble into the trap of being self absorbed if I was given to much praise. I just wish that I didn't have to feel so jealous and left behind and unnoticed. I have such a great opportunity in the place that I am to do so much good to bring glory to God, but I let my foolish human feelings and struggles get in the way.

So, right now I need to learn a few lessons. I need to learn how to be thankful. Thankful for the good things that I have. The many great opportunities that I have, the relationships that I'm building, and the other many blessings that I have. I need to stop focusing on myself. I need to start focusing on what God has planned for my life. I need to start really focusing on finding out what that is, because I just seem to be wasting a lot of my time focusing on something that will probably never happen--even though I can't seem to get it off my mind. It's just hard. Life is hard. But at least[and I'm so thankful for this] I have a great God who loves me despite all my many many faults. Even though I can be such an idiot and so self-absorbed and I take for granted all the many blessings that I have been given.

The learning will never be over. It's a constant day to day....struggle. But in the end, if I can keep up my end...God will be faithful to me, if I remain faithful to Him, and Him alone. So this is my prayer now. To fully rely on Him to be Everything that I need and want. He's the only One who will ever make me feel complete and whole, and I cannot find that in any person or thing.