reminders.

It's been a rough year so far. I've had a lot of ups followed by a lot of downs. I have not enjoyed some of the "junk" that I've had to deal with and I've also not been faithful in giving all that "junk" to my Savior. I've had two very real reminders of how small and powerless I am on my own. Last night(or rather very early this morning) I experienced my second "panic/anxiety" attack. My heart was racing and I had tremors/shakes throughout my body. When this happened two weeks ago--I thought I was dying. Then I thought that it was a reaction to a cold medicine mixed with melatonin. Well I know now that I did not have a reaction that night two weeks ago. All I can gather is that I had a panic attack. It's strange how these "attacks" come after I've experienced great triumphs. Two weeks ago, I passed my exam. Yesterday, I did business for the first time. I don't understand why these "attacks" have happened following something that was a great stressor to me. Maybe it was the end result and my body "detoxing" from the stress. I don't know. All I know is I do not like having these attacks. I was hoping it was only going to be a one time thing. But after some realizations--I need to go to the doctor. I also need to go to my Savior. I know I haven't been fully relying on Him the way I should be. It's like I'm trying to prove a point that I can do this life alone. Well, I'm wrong every time. And I can't say for certain whether this "attack" was also a spiritual attack, but it very well could be. I'm left with an unsettling feeling that something major could be wrong with me, or it could be just plain old anxiety. Which in my case has been something I've had for a long time--but never has it lead to a panic attack until now. God keeps on trying to remind me that He is God, and I am not. He is in control, and I am not. He is all powerful, and I am not. It's time I get my butt in gear. I don't like games and I don't want to play them. It's time to get real and give up everything I am and everything I have to Him. A complete surrender. If I don't, I feel like these attacks are going to continue.

I'm writing this so that any of you who care to, would please pray for me. Pray for strength. Pray for courage. Pray for steadfastness. Pray for peace. I just need prayers. I know I do not need to worry. I know that God is in control. I know that He has already overcome this world. I just need His strength and peace in my life. I need it just as much as the air that I'm breathing. I don't know if anyone else has had any similar experiences--and can maybe offer some encouragement. But I'll take anything I can get at this point. I can't do this life alone. God has placed people in my life to be encouraging and uplifting. I need to start relying on Him to provide me with everything I need and to take away my worries and fears.

I'm going to end with this verse because it is one that I need to take hold of and rely on its promise:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10