beauty from ashes.

I've come to a point in my life where I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. Yes, we don't know the future--so it's not like I'm the only one, but I've come to a place where I am at a loss as what I need to be doing with my life. There's a battle waging war inside of me because I so want to be an independent 25 year old with a job that has a regular[and much larger] paycheck. I'm tired of feeling like I'm still a child with rules, chores, and an allowance. This is how I've felt over the past year as I've gone from having a bi-weekly paycheck that brought in enough money to pay the bills I had as well as allowing me to save money and have spending money to being paid quarterly. Big adjustment, and it's been a huge disappointment. I've dealt with failed relationships--friend and boyfriend. I've dealt with a health crisis. At this point, I wonder what's next. I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally.

I've struggled with my relationship with God. When I needed Him, I knew He was there--and I cried out to Him. He helped me get through a very scary time in my life. He brought me through and brought about a miracle. But then it's like I all to quickly forgot that He was there--and that He wanted to be in relationship with me. I prayed. I read the Bible. [not faithfully like I should have] But I just didn't "feel" what I thought I should be feeling. Over the last several weeks, God has been slowly showing me some things. First of all, He is still there. He hasn't gone anywhere. Second, He's not going anywhere. Third, He wants me. Like I read in a friend's blog today about the song "How He Loves" how it says that "He is jealous for me"--the Creator of the earth is jealous for me! What? Why? This leads to the next thing. [We're on number 4] He loves me. He has always loved me. No matter what I have done. No matter how many times I fail Him. He still loves me. I don't understand why. As I had a very intense time wrestling with my feelings last night, I prayed, I read the Word, I journaled, I cried, I threw my hands up, I gave up. Now when I say, "I gave up"--that doesn't mean I'm done. It means I gave up everything that I have inside of me that I cannot control. All the things that I'm tired of worrying about. All the things I'm tired of being afraid of. All the dreams I want to happen but can't picture their coming true. Everything that I'm too weak to handle on my own. I gave it up. When I threw my hands up, and I mean literally, it was like I was handing off my cares, worries, fears, doubts, my everything--I handed it to God. Gave it to Him. I told Him that I didn't want it anymore. Now, that doesn't mean I won't still struggle with some things--but I don't need to be alone anymore trying to handle things on my own. I can't do this life without Him. I can't live without Him. I can't continue to go about my days with no direction. I need Him to help me. I need Him to guide me. To lift me up when I'm down, to hold me when I'm broken and bleeding. It's what He's there for. He wants to be my Provider, my Healer, my Caretaker, my Friend, my Father. He is strong enough to take care of my problems. He can handle the things that I can't seem to get a grasp on. He can make me strong enough, good enough, bold enough, etc.

He's picking up the broken pieces of my life--and making me whole again. He is showing me how gracious, merciful, loving, and kind that He really is.

During this time of refinement and being made more like Him, He is showing me the areas of my life that I need to work on. It's a good thing I've got His help. This[me] is not a pretty picture. There's a lot of things that need to be made right. I'm called to be like Him. If I am who I say I am, then I need to act like it. My actions haven't always backed up my words. It's time for things to change. This is not easy, I'm not looking forward to it--giving up what I want, and changing bad habits isn't going to be fun. I don't like knowing that I'm a sinner. Yet I am. I'm a sinner. Thankfully, I'm a sinner who has been saved by Grace. God is doing something good. He is working for my good. Oh, praise Him!

I thought of a song "Beauty for Ashes"--and that's why my post is titled "beauty from ashes"--it's an oldie by Crystal Lewis and this is how it goes[ps. look it up]:

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

slacker? yes, i know.

For some reason, I thought I had blogged already in 2012. But upon coming to my blog--after an almost two month hiatus, I realized that I had not yet blogged in 2012. Not that anything major has happened so far this year, but the year already seems to be flying by.

Oh, how things have changed since this time last year. A lot has gone on. Yes, I am redundant. But a LOT has happened. It's funny how I look back on this day[and this week in general] last year and remember the nervousness I felt--as something new and unexpected came into my life. Wow.

I never expected anything to happen the way it did. I guess I didn't really know what to expect. Having never gone through that type of experience before, I had nothing to compare it to. I have to tread lightly, lest I say some things that might be hurtful. I do not want to do that. Although I would love to be completely honest, for me to be so on here[not knowing who follows this] I need to be mindful of that and compassionate. It's something I'm working on. It was something that I have lost since my senior year of high school. Compassion. True caring for another person's well being. I won't go there. Another time, another hurt, another lost friendship--and I don't even know why. But onto this time last year. I was and am still not overly awesome at talking to guys. There are some who I can talk to so easily, while others I just blubber and probably look like an idiot. I am awkward. I feel like awkward should be my middle name. Anyways...I digress. I had been semi forced into a new adventure and didn't really know what the heck I was doing. Things happened quickly. Like a blur. The whole thing really went by quickly. I don't like how it ended, but it's what needed to happen. I know I didn't handle everything the way I needed to, and I know that I was hurtful. I never intended to be hurtful and cause another human being so much pain. But it was not right for me, and it was time to end things. I wish I could have had more maturity and wisdom this time last year. Maybe I would have handled things in a better way. The whole way through. But I guess I needed a learning experience. It was a hard lesson to learn. A lot of things were hard about it. I wish I could go back and undo some things. But I can't. That's what I don't like. But I have to live with the choices that were made in the past, and pray that the hurt I caused has subsided and we can both move on to the futures that God has for us. It's not always easy to see the reasoning behind certain things that we go through. Why did I have to lose my job? Why did I have a large mass grow in my abdomen? Why do I have to deal with certain situations with certain people? I know I'm being very self focused right now. But you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going with this.

As I look back, I am trying to find the answers to my questions. What lessons did I learn--what do I take from my experience? Hopefully, I have learned from my past mistakes and can take that knowledge and wisdom into my next experience and be the exact person that God has made me to be. I know He is preparing me for the future. I'm struggling a lot with some future things. I am really not overly excited about my position in life. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, an awesome group of friends, and a wonderful church where I have some great ministry opportunities. It's the other major part--the part I didn't really want. My job. It's frustrating--and I wish I could change it. It's not what I wanted to do at all. I don't want to do it. But I have no choice--or so it seems. This is one big thing that God is going to have to really work on me with--to help me. I need a lot of knowledge, confidence, boldness, integrity, etc. This is a tough business. There's a lot I need to know about. I need to stay on top of things---as well as become more of a driven person. I NEVER, and I mean NEVER wanted to be in sales. And that's exactly where I am. I have to make a sales pitch to entice people to want to do business with me. If I'm unsuccessful, I don't get paid. I'm struggling the most with the fact that two years ago I had a steady paycheck. I was supporting myself. Yes, I still lived at home--but my parents didn't have to help me with my bills. I was also able to save money. Now I am completely dependent on them. It's not how I pictured my life at 25.

I foresee 2012 as being another year filled with challenges that are going to teach me many more things that I need to learn before God allows me to "move on" to the next part of my life. I don't know the future, and maybe things are going to be really "easy" for me, but I see God using this time to refine me and grow me. I'm okay with that. As I'm reading in Genesis along with a commentary called "Be Authentic"--I want my life and my faith to be authentic. I want people to see me as a genuine person. Someone who cares--someone who is not afraid--someone who follows after God without any questions as to why He's taking me to a place I never wanted to go. I see where disobedience will get me. It's not a fun place. I am working on being obedient. I want to do God's will. I just need His help.

Sorry to be so "debbie downer" with this, but it's where I am right now. God has helped me out tremendously over the past several months. As I learn how to be completely dependent on Him, instead of trying to do everything on my own, I know life will get better. Not saying easier--but just better. So if I have encouragement to leave with anyone who may happen to read this: Don't give up. Press on. Rely on God. Let go of your independence--and let Him take you to the place He wants you to be--because there will be a great reward--and great joy. It's worth it. It will all be worth it in the end. Because He is faithful. And good. And lots of other super awesome things--because that's what He is--a super awesome God!