Oh, how things have changed since this time last year. A lot has gone on. Yes, I am redundant. But a LOT has happened. It's funny how I look back on this day[and this week in general] last year and remember the nervousness I felt--as something new and unexpected came into my life. Wow.
I never expected anything to happen the way it did. I guess I didn't really know what to expect. Having never gone through that type of experience before, I had nothing to compare it to. I have to tread lightly, lest I say some things that might be hurtful. I do not want to do that. Although I would love to be completely honest, for me to be so on here[not knowing who follows this] I need to be mindful of that and compassionate. It's something I'm working on. It was something that I have lost since my senior year of high school. Compassion. True caring for another person's well being. I won't go there. Another time, another hurt, another lost friendship--and I don't even know why. But onto this time last year. I was and am still not overly awesome at talking to guys. There are some who I can talk to so easily, while others I just blubber and probably look like an idiot. I am awkward. I feel like awkward should be my middle name. Anyways...I digress. I had been semi forced into a new adventure and didn't really know what the heck I was doing. Things happened quickly. Like a blur. The whole thing really went by quickly. I don't like how it ended, but it's what needed to happen. I know I didn't handle everything the way I needed to, and I know that I was hurtful. I never intended to be hurtful and cause another human being so much pain. But it was not right for me, and it was time to end things. I wish I could have had more maturity and wisdom this time last year. Maybe I would have handled things in a better way. The whole way through. But I guess I needed a learning experience. It was a hard lesson to learn. A lot of things were hard about it. I wish I could go back and undo some things. But I can't. That's what I don't like. But I have to live with the choices that were made in the past, and pray that the hurt I caused has subsided and we can both move on to the futures that God has for us. It's not always easy to see the reasoning behind certain things that we go through. Why did I have to lose my job? Why did I have a large mass grow in my abdomen? Why do I have to deal with certain situations with certain people? I know I'm being very self focused right now. But you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going with this.
As I look back, I am trying to find the answers to my questions. What lessons did I learn--what do I take from my experience? Hopefully, I have learned from my past mistakes and can take that knowledge and wisdom into my next experience and be the exact person that God has made me to be. I know He is preparing me for the future. I'm struggling a lot with some future things. I am really not overly excited about my position in life. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, an awesome group of friends, and a wonderful church where I have some great ministry opportunities. It's the other major part--the part I didn't really want. My job. It's frustrating--and I wish I could change it. It's not what I wanted to do at all. I don't want to do it. But I have no choice--or so it seems. This is one big thing that God is going to have to really work on me with--to help me. I need a lot of knowledge, confidence, boldness, integrity, etc. This is a tough business. There's a lot I need to know about. I need to stay on top of things---as well as become more of a driven person. I NEVER, and I mean NEVER wanted to be in sales. And that's exactly where I am. I have to make a sales pitch to entice people to want to do business with me. If I'm unsuccessful, I don't get paid. I'm struggling the most with the fact that two years ago I had a steady paycheck. I was supporting myself. Yes, I still lived at home--but my parents didn't have to help me with my bills. I was also able to save money. Now I am completely dependent on them. It's not how I pictured my life at 25.
I foresee 2012 as being another year filled with challenges that are going to teach me many more things that I need to learn before God allows me to "move on" to the next part of my life. I don't know the future, and maybe things are going to be really "easy" for me, but I see God using this time to refine me and grow me. I'm okay with that. As I'm reading in Genesis along with a commentary called "Be Authentic"--I want my life and my faith to be authentic. I want people to see me as a genuine person. Someone who cares--someone who is not afraid--someone who follows after God without any questions as to why He's taking me to a place I never wanted to go. I see where disobedience will get me. It's not a fun place. I am working on being obedient. I want to do God's will. I just need His help.
Sorry to be so "debbie downer" with this, but it's where I am right now. God has helped me out tremendously over the past several months. As I learn how to be completely dependent on Him, instead of trying to do everything on my own, I know life will get better. Not saying easier--but just better. So if I have encouragement to leave with anyone who may happen to read this: Don't give up. Press on. Rely on God. Let go of your independence--and let Him take you to the place He wants you to be--because there will be a great reward--and great joy. It's worth it. It will all be worth it in the end. Because He is faithful. And good. And lots of other super awesome things--because that's what He is--a super awesome God!
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