there's always something.

So as I write this post today, I am reflecting on what I have done today. Well, for starters it is Sunday. So the first thing I did today [besides the obvious of getting out of bed and getting ready] is that I went to church. In all honesty, my heart was not as cheerful or joyful as it should have been. My attitude in the last several weeks has not been the greatest. I'm still "transitioning" to life as a college graduate. With that has been the fact that I am now responsible for myself. I need to find a job. A. real. job. Ok, so that is a given, right? Well, for me, that is one of the scariest things that I have to do. Yes, there are scary things in life. But for me, right now, and in the place that I am, it is the scariest thing. First because of the fact that the economy is so bad. Jobs are not being "handed out" or as available as they once were or might have been. Second, I have very little experience. I have never had a real job per say. I worked at a day camp for a summer and have babysat for years. I also was a "nanny" last summer, but I really do not have real work experience. So my fears are based on the fact that I have to be bold, take action, and go put myself out there in the real world. I have to hand in my "not-so-impressive" resume [in my opinion] to employers who are looking for the best of the best. People that are go getters and have the exact qualifications, specifications, licenses, experience and so on and so forth. The fear comes in right here. For those that know me well, I am shy...introverted....don't talk much[well depends on the setting]...and to be honest do not have a whole lot of confidence. Satan uses these weaknesses so much to his advantage. Right now, he is winning the battle. Ok, so back to what I did today. I went to church. Well the service starts and proceeded to go like any other service on any other given Sunday. I sat with the people in my Sunday School/Bible Fellowship/Life Group class...whatever you want to call it. But then of course what did the sermon have to be on today? None other than happiness. Dr. Corts, our pastor, asked the question "Are you happy?" Hmmm....well let's see. No, not really. There are a lot of unanswered questions in my life. I really am not where I want to be...socially, physically, spiritually. I have a lot of things that I am wrestling with. My problem, I have strayed very far from where I should be. I have not been relying on the Strength that I should be. It's been all about me. My strength. My fight. My battles. My temptations. My struggles. My pain. My unsatisfaction. Everything has been all about me. I am not happy with decisions that I have made in the past few days, weeks, months, and even years of my life. And it is all because I am a very selfish, independent, prideful human being. I also am lazy. That is evident in more than one area of my life. It is not hard to pretend to be happy. Yet, so many of us do pretend. We put on the mask everyday that we are happy and have it all together and nothing is wrong in our lives. Yet, there are very deep issues and a lot of pain and struggle. I have yearned to have an intimate relationship with someone where I can feel absolutely free to express everything that is on my heart. Someone who can help to keep me accountable. The funny thing is, that is something else that scares me. If I did have that, then someone else would know about how truly and incredibly broken of a person that I am. So I have been leaning on my own strength and not allowing God to help me deal with the struggles that I have or to even seek someone who can be that accountability partner. Someone to help me, encourage me, challenge me, and live life with me. I know that I have been missing out on so many things because of my own failings. The passage that Dr. Corts read today was from Psalm 84. The part that stuck out to me the most was this:

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

Wow. So don't you just love how you always hear exactly what you need to hear. Just the right words are prayed, sung, or read from Scripture. How amazing to me that this has happened at so many times in my life when I have really been feeling down, and knowing that I am not living where I am suppose to be living. So this "happiness" that Dr. Corts was talking about was not the happy--I have this kind of car, job, success, family, etc. It is the happiness and joy that comes from being blessed. The blessings that come from God when we are living the way that He has called us to live. Ok slap in the face. No wonder I have not been feeling the "blessings". Ok, not that I ever have deserved them. But I do still have the blessings of a wonderful family, friends, church, and so much more that I cannot even count. But my view of happiness has been very misconstrued. My lenses have been very foggy, and dirty. I have been so easily lead astray because I have been searching for something that will make me happy.

Ok, so now onto the rest of my day. Well I ate lunch at home with my family after church. Well I skipped Life Group. We talked about what the Bible is. We listed off several things like infallible, inerrant, God-breathed, practical, convicting, etc. That in itself challenged me to seek to have more of a hunger for God's word. Something that has been seriously lacking in me for a while. Ok so back to the rest of the day...well it was basically lazy. I hung out and watched a couple of movies, ate some dinner, then after the second movie was over, Dad turns off the tv. Ok, so when Dad turns off the tv and the whole family is downstairs, that is your clue that it is time for a oh so wonderful[not] and the greatest part of my life[yeah right!] and the oh so dreaded--"Family Meeting"[scary music play here with a scream of horror] Yes, another family meeting. We've been having quite a few of these over the past several weeks and a lot more in this past year than we've ever had. These are always the time to be serious and have the talks about finances and spiritual matters. Those two things are probably the most two talked about things in my house. My parents, mainly my dad being the main speaker and leader of these meetings, with mom interjecting things from time to time and Michael and I looking at eachother with those faces like "how long is this going to last?" The main theme of our past few family meetings has focused on how our family is going to do things in our lives to 1) Honor God and 2) Serve others. It is safe to say that every important thing in the eyes of my parents happens to be that our actions are always seeking to please God and to live a life that is being completely and totally surrendered to Him. A life that is driven and led by Him. These talks are more so for my brother, but they always have merit in my life and are also directed at me as well just for the sake of my brother not being in the lime light all the time. Although, with me being older and having more life experience these things have already been instilled in me over the years and I have already gone through high school and college. But I am always included and put in the spotlight/hot seat. So this particular family meeting centered around how we are going to live our lives...particularly this summer. I have been thinking about my summer and what it is going to consist of a lot lately. I have been more concerned about finding a job and having fun. But there have been some very subtle hints at things in the past couple of weeks of some particular areas in which I could get involved and use my gifts and talents to serve others. Well one of these areas happens to fall under music. My absolute favorite thing. Yet, right now, I do not feel like using it in the capacity that I have been given. First of all because I miss what I had at Campbell and want to use my gifts in a setting more like Monday Night Bible Study. Second, because I am one of three people in the choir who are in their 20's. I am probably the youngest or next to youngest. This should not bother me, but it is. I long to have more people my age in the adult choir. So this is my struggle now. I either need to find another way to use my gifts of singing somewhere else or suck it up and sing in the adult choir. Which I know would make a lot of people happy. But I just am in the "rebellious" stage of not wanting to be told what to do because I'm no longer a child. I mean I'm 22 after all. Well onto the other possible areas of service. I was given the opportunity to work with the 2's and 3's in the ESL class at the church that I practically grew up in, Calvary Baptist Church. It only consisted of watching the children[there were only 2....they were both girls and from Egypt] But what precious little girls that they were, and how that gave me the longing to be around those people who are different than me. Those that are from a different background, culture and those who speak a different language. This is something that I have missed from having the opportunities to go on mission trips to other countries. I absolutely love being around people who are believers and being in a worship service with them. Hearing God praised in another language, hearing the Bible in another language, and listening to the prayers prayed in another language is such an amazing experience. It helped to broaden my horizons and open my eyes to how big God is. I had limited Him so much, yet now my eyes have been opened and I'm so thankful for those opportunities that I had. So working with these two little Egyptian girls raised the question in me whether I want to possibly pursue working with ESL. Even though this puts me in a somewhat awkward position and out of my comfort zone. I would just have to get over the uncomfortableness that I feel about going back to my old church and just let God use me.

So here is where I stand. Sunday is coming to a close, and I have a lot to think about tonight. There are a lot of things that I need to work on. I need to get my focus straight and figure out where it is exactly that God would have me be...for my job, church, and service to others. I need some purpose and meaning in my life. Why not it be doing things that I love and be doing it for something so much greater than myself?

For those of you that took the time to read this, thank you.

Peace and love.