We all experience disappointments at one point or another in our lives. It's inevitable. That's how life is, it's not fair. There are moments in which we are brought to possibly our lowest lows because we have gotten our hopes built up so much that when something bad happens--everything [seems] to come crashing down. I've had quite a few disappointments in my life. I've had many promises made that have been broken, unfortunate relationship hurdles with friends, unrequited "love", death of close family members, etc. Some things affect my life more than others. There are some things that I'm more prepared for now because I've dealt with them more, but then there are those disappointments that I'm still not prepared for. Okay, okay--I'll be a little bit more specific now.
So let me make a little confession. For my closest friends--and family, this is not a surprise--because it is known information, but for others, you would have no idea. [Let me preface this--it's not a huge deal--I mean to me it is--but to the world--definitely not a big deal]. Confession--I've had a huge crush on someone for the past 9 months. At first, it was me admiring from a distance, but then it turned into something else. I haven't liked anyone in a while, and I haven't liked anyone as much as I've liked this person--oh probably since my senior year of high school. Irony is written all over this--I'm experiencing deja vu. So, this whole "crush" started out as me not wanting to like this person because it was sort of complicated. But I just couldn't help myself so I let my not-so-strong guard down and allowed myself to start falling for this person. Over the next several months I tried to be more out-going and confident in my relationship with this person. I felt like maybe there were "sparks"--but now I know I like to misinterpret things--so it was more of me over analyzing things---as usual. So anyways...back to the story. I've had some realizations in the past couple of months to point to something that I experience every single time I ever like anyone. There is a huge hurdle. Another girl. Never fails. I thought maybe nothing would come of this hurdle--but now I know there is a lot more. So basically I'm back in my senior year of high school dealing with one of the biggest disappointments ever. I'm dealing with the rejection and the letdown. I have let my hopes get so high thinking that maybe there was a chance that something could happen, but then had truth hit me like a ton of bricks. I should have been better prepared, I mean I saw it coming right? Yes, and no. I didn't want it to. Why did it have to be this particular person. If it had been someone else--the disappointment would have not have been this great. I hate it, I really do. I'm disappointed that this has happened over and over again in my life. It hurts. My heart hurts. I feel stupid. I feel like the loser. I feel like the girl that everyone sees as their sister and would never see as anything more. I'm just the nice girl who no one has ever asked out.
I'm going to be very open and honest about my feelings now. So please bare with my "Debbie-Downer"ness of this post. But I'm very sad. I hate that I let myself get into this same situation again. Seriously?! Why does it always have to be this way? I just don't understand. I wish I knew. I have all these people that now want to set me up with people--which by the way hasn't even happened yet. It's all talk, but actually I'm thankful. I'm not interested in being set up with the people that have been suggested. Seriously. I'm that lame and vain. I'll be honest and say they're not "attractive" enough for me. I'm not attracted to them. Even if they're nice guys--but one of them says he is intimidated by me! Okay, wow. Don't understand that at all. Am I intimidating? I totally don't get it. I've been told it's because I'm tall. Okay, that's totally lame. Is it because I'm quiet? Well, I'm also socially awkward, too. But I don't think anyone realizes how socially awkward that I am. Yeah, for real. I've also got some anxiety issues--that leads to my social awkwardness. So yeah. I'm just a mess. A big old mess. I'm not so into 2010 anymore--that lucky golden pig I got---not so lucky. I was all excited about turning 24--thinking this was going to be a great year---but I'm not looking forward to it anymore. I don't have a lot of joy right now in my life. I'm somewhat depressed. Because I don't understand why I'm not having any luck in the relationship department. I never have. Okay, my only experience is a three week stint with a guy in the 10th grade--but we didn't even like eachother!?! WTF?! What the heck--I was only 16--and he was 15---yeah. That's it. Seriously. What's wrong with me? I know, I know. It's Satan planting lies in my head. But let me tell you, he's been successful in messing with my head and leading me to believe that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, outgoing enough. Yes, I have my issues. I'm working on it. I really am. But it's taking me a while to learn my lessons, and some lessons I'm having to learn over and over again. In this instance, it's the whole don't let yourself like someone who would never like you back--and probably only sees you as a sister. Um yeah. Suck. Sorry. But I'm being honest---you didn't have to keep reading. I told you I was going to be honest about my feelings. I could be a whole lot more honest and use some much stronger language, but I don't think that's appropriate for here. I'm just really upset, and disappointed. Yes, I'm being redundant. But it's what I'm feeling. Surprisingly enough I haven't cried about it yet, but I'm sure that will happen in time. When maybe the whole situation becomes more concrete for me. I'm not ready to face that. But thankfully I have been somewhat prepared and forewarned--I mean hello, I've seen it coming. Sheesh. Come on, Jilene!! [yes, I like to talk to myself--I do it quite often--people probably think I'm crazy] At times I wish I had a huge[and I mean huge] field that I could just scream in. Or, a punching bag--that would be good. But this also helps too. Getting out my feelings into the open. So yeah. Here it is people. My not so lovely and depressing story of my lonely, broken, and disappointed heart. It's my life. I've got to learn how to deal.
So--what am I going to do about it?
drink. haha. no.
I'm in this Bible study at church called In Transit--What Do You Do With Your Wait? I'm really praying and hoping that God really hits me hard and teaches me some major lessons about patience and trust. I have trust issues. It's hard for me to believe that something is going to happen for me. It's so hard for me to picture the future. I don't see myself getting married, but that's something I long so much for. Maybe it's my lack of relationship experience that I could never see myself in a marriage relationship. I don't know, but I know I want to get married. And, I want kids. My job is definitely showing me day in and out that I want to be a mom. It hurts my heart to think about never being a mom. It's like it was what I was made to do[or so I think, maybe God has other plans--but that's what this study is for] So stay tuned. I'll blog about what I'm learning. I know it's going to take time, prayer, and trusting that God knows what He's doing and that if it's His will that I get married and have kids, then it's going to be in His time, His way. Which is how I want it to be anyways, but the whole 'waiting' thing is super difficult for me. It's because I'm a girl, and I want to be sought after and pursued, you know the whole prince on a white horse saving the princess--okay well I'm not that girly. But I do want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I won't go into that whole deal now. I feel like I've written enough for now. So until next time...here's a song that I'm totally relating to at the moment--it's been a song I've had as my "theme" song before.
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start
I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part
I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
The silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
-Coldplay
