Wednesday, March 31, 2010


So I tend to find myself in a constant state of learning. There's the saying that you "learn something new ever day"...well I know that's a very accurate statement. Most of the time, I tend to learn new things about myself...because I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately and the direction in which my life is going. I've also been doing a whole lot of thinking about things that relate to the future, but are kind of sort of in the present[I know I'm vague, but that's how it's going to be for now] I have several areas in my life that I'm working on learning how to be more mature in. But there are some things that are so hard for me. I want to be better, and not worry about these things so much, but they consume my thoughts. One of those things has become almost an obsession. I'm really working on letting it go, but for some reason it won't go away. I've prayed that God would just take it away. But it's still here, and maybe I'm not praying earnestly enough and constantly about it. But it's one of the biggest things I struggle with and now more so than ever because of the stage of life that I'm in. Some things seem to happen so much more easily for others, and I seem to be the one left in the dust in last place. I know...patience. Patience is a virtue but I find it hard to know what I need to do, or if I just need to let it go. I also have a problem with being unable to be bolder in this area of my life. I wish I could be more outgoing and comfortable, but it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I end up acting more like an idiot in certain social situations because I'm uncomfortable. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my freshmen year of college. I seemed to do a lot better in this area then and I've just seemed to go backward again. Being an introvert is not always fun.

In the other area of my life, my struggles seem to stem from jealousy. Wishing that I was better because I don't seem to get the opportunities that some people have...because they are better than I am. But then again, my introversion[is that a word? well I'm making it a word now...] gets in the way again...because the thing I would love to do, would only be brought down by my stinking shyness and lack of confidence. But I still wish I could be given the chances to do some things. To help push me and force me to be bolder and more confident. I've dealt with this for several years. Although I've been given many great chances in doing the thing that I want to do, I can see that maybe I'd only stumble into the trap of being self absorbed if I was given to much praise. I just wish that I didn't have to feel so jealous and left behind and unnoticed. I have such a great opportunity in the place that I am to do so much good to bring glory to God, but I let my foolish human feelings and struggles get in the way.

So, right now I need to learn a few lessons. I need to learn how to be thankful. Thankful for the good things that I have. The many great opportunities that I have, the relationships that I'm building, and the other many blessings that I have. I need to stop focusing on myself. I need to start focusing on what God has planned for my life. I need to start really focusing on finding out what that is, because I just seem to be wasting a lot of my time focusing on something that will probably never happen--even though I can't seem to get it off my mind. It's just hard. Life is hard. But at least[and I'm so thankful for this] I have a great God who loves me despite all my many many faults. Even though I can be such an idiot and so self-absorbed and I take for granted all the many blessings that I have been given.

The learning will never be over. It's a constant day to day....struggle. But in the end, if I can keep up my end...God will be faithful to me, if I remain faithful to Him, and Him alone. So this is my prayer now. To fully rely on Him to be Everything that I need and want. He's the only One who will ever make me feel complete and whole, and I cannot find that in any person or thing.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

a new job--sort of

So it's been an interesting week to say the least. A lot has changed at work. And as a result of a fellow employee being fired, I now have a new "job". I will now be in a classroom permanently. Starting today [kind of] I am now a teacher in the "Betweenie" room which is code for older infants/younger toddlers. So begins a new adventure for me. I know and love the kids in the room, and they seem to love me. My boss has complimented me so much over the past week, so I know that she really likes me. So right's all good. And I think I've figured out what I'm going to do school wise. I'll update on that in another post. But I just wanted to give a quick update about my new job. :) It makes me happy and I'm super excited about working with these precious little kids--even if it's going to be a super huge challenge. Yay for biters, poopers, droolers, and criers. ;)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Living Sure

For more about "living sure"....because I'm no good with words. Check out the blog from Engage.

All men die, but not all men truly live...

Wow. Now take a load of this one...

we spend the majority of our lives waiting to live

Ok, wow. I was totally taken off guard yesterday. I mean, that's what I've been doing for the past...well as long as I can remember. When I was little [like 5], I couldn't wait to be old enough to go to school. Then as I got older, it was be able to spend the night at a friend's house, go to middle/high school, drive, date, go to college. Then in college, I was waiting on finding that dream job and perfect man. I couldn't wait to be done and be onto to the next thing. It wasn't until my last semester of college, that I wanted to freeze time and enjoy every second that I had left. I wasn't ready to leave. Then I get home, and into find a job mode. At that point it was a survival mode...not really looking for the "dream" job. I just needed to have a job. I didn't want to be that post grad living at home with no job. At least I have a job. But now I'm looking forward to my "dream" job, grad school, and still looking for that perfect man. I'm in a constant state of waiting around on the next big event to happen in my life. And quite frankly, I'm tired of all the waiting. I feel like the rest of my life is lived in this state of non living...because every day is the same old boring thing. I have the occasional sprinklings of fun things like going to visit friends at CU, gamenights, or random and rare times of hanging out with friends here at home. My life is not bringing me fulfillment because I'm not satisfied with it. I'm not content with anything that I have because I want to have the future things now. I can see things so much clearer now that I understand why I've felt hopeless and apathetic. I can't live without participating in my own life. I would just be a robot going through the motions everyday. It's high time that I take the initiative and start truly living my life. But that is going to take some effort and motivation. Because I'm a lazy person who doesn't want to try or take the time out of my "busy day" --insert lol here because I'm not busy...I just pretend to be....since I work 40 hours a week, why is it that I make myself feel like I deserve certain things just because I work now.....I'm not privileged to things just because of that.

So, my challenge is to learn how to truly live. And the only way I can do that is taking hold of love ---because real life begins when love is found and love is found only at the cross

It was definitely a good challenge, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Go check out
1 John 4:7-21 for the scriptural basis to back it up. :)