Monday, December 27, 2010

blessings in 2010.

I'm not a super awesome blogger. I wish I had been better about keeping up with this during 2010. But as you can see, I've not written much. I have a lot to write about, just not the will power to do so. I'm hoping to be better about that in 2011. No promises, though. :) But here are a few things that I've been so blessed to have in 2010:

supportive parents
my family
encouraging friends
my job
my home
Center Grove Baptist Church
my Lifegroup
Christ's love and grace
my 'not so little' brother :)
my dogs[aka my babies]
laughter and goofiness
music/Engage band
snuggie[silly I know]
girly movies
precious children[MW ;)]
reality checks

and another year of life.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

redirection and thankfulness.

Today I did something I've never done before. I helped build a bucket for a person in Sub Sahara Africa who is dying of aids. There are so many many people suffering in the world, and for some unknown reason it has never really affected me. But I can say without a doubt, that my whole perspective has changed on the world around me and the parts of the world that I've never seen---and may never see.

Our church has started a campaign called "Blessed to Bless"--meaning we, as followers of Christ, need to be obedient and cheerful servants and show His love and spread the Gospel through giving above and beyond our normal tithe. It's a way to show our faith and trust in God--being as this is a difficult time economically in our country and many people are without jobs and are struggling to make ends meet. This effort has many different ways that it is going to show God's love and be a light to the world. We are raising money to build a new children's building--because of the amount of people coming into the church--we need more space for the precious children that are being brought in. Some of the money is also being allotted for special things like the Rescue Mission, Salem Pregnancy Center, Storehouse for Jesus, as well as these buckets that we built today. They had told us about these buckets a while back. The buckets cost $100 to make and contain 21 items that help a caregiver in Africa take care of a person suffering from Aids. The items range anywhere from sheets, towels, toothbrush and toothpaste to a scrub brush, cleaning gloves, and drinking straws. Each item is to help aid the caregiver in helping to make the suffering person feel more comfortable. While we were packing the bucket, it took very careful packing to make sure everything fit into the bucket. We were also praying over each item as it went into the bucket. At the end, 330 of us had created 100 buckets to send to Africa. We were all broken up into 6 sections and then into even small teams with our section. I built a bucket with my parents. After our buckets were completed and we put the lids on them, we prayed over them. Our pastor wanted us to pray for the following things over the bucket--comfort for the person who was the victim of Aids, the salvation of both the victim and their family, as well as courage for the person who was going to be giving the bucket. As we were praying, I was to pray for the comfort of the person who would be receiving the care from the items in our bucket. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and struggled to get through my prayer as I cried. I tend to shy away from showing emotion like that in public, but it was not something that I could help. But it really began to break down some of the walls that I have built up around myself. I do not like to cry in front of people. I don't like people seeing me in such a broken state. Expressing emotions through tears is something that I like to do privately. But as I've gotten older, I've gotten more publicly emotional. I'm turning into my mother. Crying at weddings, graduations, baby dedications, baptisms. I guess it's not a bad thing, but I still don't like for people to see me that way. But it's time to be more free to express my emotions. It's time I stop trying to mask how I feel and who I am. God is really trying to break me of a lot of things and He's showing me in big ways how incredibly selfish and needy of a person I am. I feel the need to have an abundance of 'stuff'. Whether it be clothes, shoes, movies, music, electronics, a new car. I'm even more greedy than I ever thought I was. Pride is starting to show its nasty face. I don't like it. I also don't like how close-minded I still am. How could I not feel any emotion for people who are suffering horrible things like famine, disease, genocide. Thousands upon thousands of children are orphaned everyday. I cannot even begin to imagine being orphaned. Especially at such a young age, as many of these poor helpless children in Africa. Here I sit in my middle class family sized home, with heat, electricity, the comforts of a nice soft, warm bed; food in the kitchen; running water; and a family who loves me. How can I be so selfish to think that I don't need to be mindful of the suffering people in my world. I'm being brought down on my face as I begin to thank God for all the blessings He has so graciously given me. I want to change and be a better person. I want to feel. I want to help. I want to tell the world about the hurting people and how they can help them. I also want to tell the hurting world about the hope and saving grace of Jesus Christ. It's who I was made to be. I was made to reflect God's goodness. I was created to bring Him glory and bring Him joy. He chose to create us. He doesn't need us. But He created us with a purpose. He loves us, but He doesn't have to. Although there are many people who will reject Him, He still loves us despite that rejection. Our lives are to reflect who God is. We are to reflect love, hope, grace, mercy, forgiveness, peace, justice, joy, gentleness, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. [notice the fruits of the spirit] This is how we are to treat our world. We are to show love by being kind and taking care of those who cannot take care of themselves. We are to show hope by telling everyone of the great story of God's faithfulness to us in keeping His promise of sending His Son to die to pay the penalty for our sin and taking care of the debt that we owed--that we could never ever repay.

Tonight, I am thankful. Thankful for the experience I had to today. Building that bucket helped to open my eyes to the world. The world in which there are millions of hurting and dying people. People dying not just a physical death, but a spiritual death. I may be hurting and suffering different trials, but I am not the only person who is hurting, and my hurts do not compare to the hurts of the world. I am not dying of Aids, I am not orphaned, and I am not homeless or jobless. I have so many blessings, and not enough willingness to give. I want to start giving more of myself. Being someone who is going to make a difference in the world. No matter how small a difference that is. I hope that I made a difference today with the bucket that will be sent to a person in Africa. I will never meet this person, now I pray that I can say that someday I will in Heaven--but I do not know. I hope that for whoever is reading this is challenged to be mindful of all the many blessings that God gives you each and every day. I have been redirected. I'm looking forward to this new direction in my life. I hope that my life will reflect Christ's love and His compassion for the hurting people. He came to give of Himself and to see our most important need met. It's all because of Him, that we have hope and can have eternal life. It's only through Him that we can live abundantly and have a great joy and have a peace that surpasses our own understanding. He's not a god whose going to leave us or forsake us. He will always be here for us. I praise God for that. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm so thankful for that. He's constant. He forgives. He rescues. He heals. He comforts. He provides. He protects. He loves, unconditionally.

You're powerful above this world
The universe is under Your command
Your glory shines a holy light
That leads our hearts to praise
Your holy name is on our lips

Beautiful Jesus, beautiful Savior
Nothing is greater, brilliant Creator, Friend of mine
Perfect in power, matchless in glory
Nothing is greater, brilliant Creator, Friend of mine

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Another year. Another number. Another chance.

I just turned 24 a couple of days ago. It's crazy how time has flown by. I can't believe that I'm already this "old". Seriously, yesterday I was 16 and getting my driver's license; last week I was 5 becoming a big sister. Life flies. And it is in no hurry of slowing down. Does that make sense? Wow. 24. I have officially entered my mid-twenties. One year away from being a quarter of a century old[thanks to a good friend for this reminder that makes me feel like I'm going to be super old!] Haha. Well, I have a new year to live in. Another year filled with endless opportunities and chances to try new things, meet new people, become the person that God wants me to be. Will I step up and start my new year off right. Be the bigger person. Learn how to be kinder. Show grace. Reflect Love. Pursue holiness. Seek after God's will in a way that drives me to be completely sold out to Him and surrendering everything that I am and giving Him all that I have. All my worries, doubt, unbelief, frustrations, distractions, temptations, sins, and brokenness. My job, my health, my friends, my family, my plans, my time, my EVERYTHING.

I've been struggling with a lot of different things over the past year. I started off with loosing my Meemau, then went to my job situation, then most recently the disappointment with another failed crush. I like the quote from the movie Sixteen Candles when the character of Sam's dad tells her "That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else" It's true. Except in her case she got the guy. I'm dealing with loosing the guy without him even knowing I was interested. I like to "be scarce" and not show someone that I'm interested. That's way too dangerous for me to do. I've had enough experience in the crush department to know that it's not a good thing for them to know. Only because I've experienced loosing friends, being made fun of, and lies. Well all except for one guy. He shall remain nameless, but he knows who he is. He and I are still friends today--and he never did anything ungentlemenly-like[like my new word?] So yeah, 24. New chance. New time. Fresh slate. I have the opportunity to really do amazing things in the world and with my life--or I can really mess stuff up. I'm hoping for the first--amazingness. I want to do right in this my 24th year of life. I want God to work in and through me. I want to fall completely in love with Him and be totally dependent on Him for my source of love and affirmation. Then maybe in my 25th year--I'll be ready--or maybe not--it could be several years--I'm just hoping that I'll learn how to not worry about certain[ok I don't need to worry about anything, but just not focus on some things so much--it's distracting and somewhat destructive] So here goes my 24th year.



Monday, September 6, 2010

--life's inevitable disappointments--

We all experience disappointments at one point or another in our lives. It's inevitable. That's how life is, it's not fair. There are moments in which we are brought to possibly our lowest lows because we have gotten our hopes built up so much that when something bad happens--everything [seems] to come crashing down. I've had quite a few disappointments in my life. I've had many promises made that have been broken, unfortunate relationship hurdles with friends, unrequited "love", death of close family members, etc. Some things affect my life more than others. There are some things that I'm more prepared for now because I've dealt with them more, but then there are those disappointments that I'm still not prepared for. Okay, okay--I'll be a little bit more specific now.

So let me make a little confession. For my closest friends--and family, this is not a surprise--because it is known information, but for others, you would have no idea. [Let me preface this--it's not a huge deal--I mean to me it is--but to the world--definitely not a big deal]. Confession--I've had a huge crush on someone for the past 9 months. At first, it was me admiring from a distance, but then it turned into something else. I haven't liked anyone in a while, and I haven't liked anyone as much as I've liked this person--oh probably since my senior year of high school. Irony is written all over this--I'm experiencing deja vu. So, this whole "crush" started out as me not wanting to like this person because it was sort of complicated. But I just couldn't help myself so I let my not-so-strong guard down and allowed myself to start falling for this person. Over the next several months I tried to be more out-going and confident in my relationship with this person. I felt like maybe there were "sparks"--but now I know I like to misinterpret things--so it was more of me over analyzing things---as usual. So anyways...back to the story. I've had some realizations in the past couple of months to point to something that I experience every single time I ever like anyone. There is a huge hurdle. Another girl. Never fails. I thought maybe nothing would come of this hurdle--but now I know there is a lot more. So basically I'm back in my senior year of high school dealing with one of the biggest disappointments ever. I'm dealing with the rejection and the letdown. I have let my hopes get so high thinking that maybe there was a chance that something could happen, but then had truth hit me like a ton of bricks. I should have been better prepared, I mean I saw it coming right? Yes, and no. I didn't want it to. Why did it have to be this particular person. If it had been someone else--the disappointment would have not have been this great. I hate it, I really do. I'm disappointed that this has happened over and over again in my life. It hurts. My heart hurts. I feel stupid. I feel like the loser. I feel like the girl that everyone sees as their sister and would never see as anything more. I'm just the nice girl who no one has ever asked out.

I'm going to be very open and honest about my feelings now. So please bare with my "Debbie-Downer"ness of this post. But I'm very sad. I hate that I let myself get into this same situation again. Seriously?! Why does it always have to be this way? I just don't understand. I wish I knew. I have all these people that now want to set me up with people--which by the way hasn't even happened yet. It's all talk, but actually I'm thankful. I'm not interested in being set up with the people that have been suggested. Seriously. I'm that lame and vain. I'll be honest and say they're not "attractive" enough for me. I'm not attracted to them. Even if they're nice guys--but one of them says he is intimidated by me! Okay, wow. Don't understand that at all. Am I intimidating? I totally don't get it. I've been told it's because I'm tall. Okay, that's totally lame. Is it because I'm quiet? Well, I'm also socially awkward, too. But I don't think anyone realizes how socially awkward that I am. Yeah, for real. I've also got some anxiety issues--that leads to my social awkwardness. So yeah. I'm just a mess. A big old mess. I'm not so into 2010 anymore--that lucky golden pig I got---not so lucky. I was all excited about turning 24--thinking this was going to be a great year---but I'm not looking forward to it anymore. I don't have a lot of joy right now in my life. I'm somewhat depressed. Because I don't understand why I'm not having any luck in the relationship department. I never have. Okay, my only experience is a three week stint with a guy in the 10th grade--but we didn't even like eachother!?! WTF?! What the heck--I was only 16--and he was 15---yeah. That's it. Seriously. What's wrong with me? I know, I know. It's Satan planting lies in my head. But let me tell you, he's been successful in messing with my head and leading me to believe that I'm not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, outgoing enough. Yes, I have my issues. I'm working on it. I really am. But it's taking me a while to learn my lessons, and some lessons I'm having to learn over and over again. In this instance, it's the whole don't let yourself like someone who would never like you back--and probably only sees you as a sister. Um yeah. Suck. Sorry. But I'm being honest---you didn't have to keep reading. I told you I was going to be honest about my feelings. I could be a whole lot more honest and use some much stronger language, but I don't think that's appropriate for here. I'm just really upset, and disappointed. Yes, I'm being redundant. But it's what I'm feeling. Surprisingly enough I haven't cried about it yet, but I'm sure that will happen in time. When maybe the whole situation becomes more concrete for me. I'm not ready to face that. But thankfully I have been somewhat prepared and forewarned--I mean hello, I've seen it coming. Sheesh. Come on, Jilene!! [yes, I like to talk to myself--I do it quite often--people probably think I'm crazy] At times I wish I had a huge[and I mean huge] field that I could just scream in. Or, a punching bag--that would be good. But this also helps too. Getting out my feelings into the open. So yeah. Here it is people. My not so lovely and depressing story of my lonely, broken, and disappointed heart. It's my life. I've got to learn how to deal.

So--what am I going to do about it?

drink. haha. no.

I'm in this Bible study at church called In Transit--What Do You Do With Your Wait? I'm really praying and hoping that God really hits me hard and teaches me some major lessons about patience and trust. I have trust issues. It's hard for me to believe that something is going to happen for me. It's so hard for me to picture the future. I don't see myself getting married, but that's something I long so much for. Maybe it's my lack of relationship experience that I could never see myself in a marriage relationship. I don't know, but I know I want to get married. And, I want kids. My job is definitely showing me day in and out that I want to be a mom. It hurts my heart to think about never being a mom. It's like it was what I was made to do[or so I think, maybe God has other plans--but that's what this study is for] So stay tuned. I'll blog about what I'm learning. I know it's going to take time, prayer, and trusting that God knows what He's doing and that if it's His will that I get married and have kids, then it's going to be in His time, His way. Which is how I want it to be anyways, but the whole 'waiting' thing is super difficult for me. It's because I'm a girl, and I want to be sought after and pursued, you know the whole prince on a white horse saving the princess--okay well I'm not that girly. But I do want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I won't go into that whole deal now. I feel like I've written enough for now. So until next's a song that I'm totally relating to at the moment--it's been a song I've had as my "theme" song before.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
The silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Sunday, July 18, 2010


I just want to say how thankful I am to be in the place I am right now. Although I am not super happy or content, I know this, God is using this time as a great opportunity to teach me and show me how much I truly need Him. I cannot do anything on my own. I am not in control. No matter how much I want to believe I am, I am not. That is why He IS. The great I AM is in total control over everything that goes on. He's got it literally in His hands. I like to pretend like I've got it all under control and figured out. But I surely don't. There are so many things that I wish I knew, like where I'm going to be in a year. Am I still going to be working in daycare, living in Clemmons, single, etc. Will I be starting grad school a year from now? There are a lot of other questions I'd like answered, but I have to start the process of totally surrendering everything in my life to Christ. He knows my heart's desires and how I have so many childish fears about being alone and unloved. Yet, I am not and have never been alone or unloved. He has always been there. It's hard to grasp this because we can not physically see God. I look forward to the day that I can look into my Savior's face and thank Him for being who HE IS. I will thank Him for loving me even in my completely undeserving and unlovable state. I'm still going to struggle. But I think He has been pushing me forward everyday to ready me for the journey ahead. I just pray I can stand firm, and embrace the surrender and let God take full control.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A confession--of sorts.

I tend to not like to express my failures and not so attractive qualities to the world. But I feel like I need to get some things out in the open--although these things aren't necessarily unknown about me. I feel like I must clear up some of the misconceptions about Jilene Carpenter. I hate letting my guard down and letting people know the real me. Because to be honest, I do not have the most pretty heart. It is quite black and to be more honest, hard and uncaring. I've been told that some people view me as someone who could never hurt a fly, and that I'm the kind of person that everyone likes. Wow. Really? I'm so not someone who could never hurt a fly. Heck, I kill flies everyday. In the context of "killing flies"--talking about people and spreading gossip. Okay, I do not like to spread gossip--but I do talk about people. So I'm guilty of gossiping. It's a terrible, hurtful thing that I do on a very consistent basis. How is it that I'm the kind of person that everyone likes? I certainly do not feel that way. If people really knew what goes on in my heart and head, they would run and say I'm the most horrible person on the planet. I've just had a lot of experiences over the past several years--dating back to the 7th grade--this is the earliest time I can remember that would have affected me in a way that would result in my not-so-justified actions. People see the outer shell of me and how I'm such a nice, sweet, caring person. Yes, I try to be. But most of the time the thoughts that flood my mind are judgmental and not edifying. How is it that I can call myself a Christian? Seriously. If you only knew. I just came to a point where the only way to try to make myself feel better about myself was to dirty the image of others. Whether to myself, or in conversations with others. I just came to a place in my life where I was the outcast. No one wanted to talk to me. I was not cool and I didn't wear the right clothes or go to the right school. It was a very hard time in my life.

7th grade into 8th grade were some of the hardest years of my life. I've had some other very difficult times. But when you're in middle school and a teenager--being rejected because you don't wear the right clothes and go to "real" school--it makes it difficult to fit in. Especially when your other friends like you weren't "forced" to go to youth group. This is the place I found great difficulty being. Youth group. I still remember the first night I walked into "Cross". That was what it was called for the 7th and 8th graders at the time. Our Wednesday night meeting time. I walked into what is now considered the old gym[at Calvary]. There were small circles of people all over the gym and I walk over to a group of people who I had been friends with. One of those people was my supposed best friend. But when I came up to the group and said hey--I was not even acknowledged. Okay. Major disappointment. Super rejection. Totally not good for the almost 13 year old that I was then. I did not come from a well to do family. In fact, we were quite poor then--yet we hid it well--or so I thought--I just failed to wear the proper name brand clothes. Then to top it off, I was home-schooled. Two double wammies. Okay and I was not super skinny or attractive. I was a super awkward redheaded girl who was taller than most other people there. At least boys were starting to catch up. But I was definitely an outsider. And it stung. Big time. And my parents wanted me to be involved, so I HAD to go. Not cool. Most nights I came home crying. I finally found some other "outsiders" to hang out with. Then I went back to school in 8th grade. So that helped some with my social circle and social skills. But I have been quite awkward socially since. Although I do try to hide it.

So here is a good place to start tracking back to my beginnings as a mean girl. If I couldn't be in with the "in-crowd" then I would just talk crap about them. But now I see everything stems back to bitterness and yes, I hate to admit, jealousy. Everyone, even if it's just a little bit, wanted or even still wants to be popular. No one wants to be disliked. I know I don't. I still struggle with it, but I'm tending to be a lot better than I once was about caring so much about what people think about me. My dad tells me all the time that I shouldn't care about what people think about me. As long as I'm living the way God wants me to live, there is nothing that they can say about me that would be bad. Does that make sense? I don't know if I made that make sense. Basically there would be no fault in me that they could find if I was striving to live my life for Christ. So here's where I failed. Super failed. Like epic fail. It has been the biggest roller coaster ride ever. I've had some of the highest highs and lowest lows since the 7th grade. I had rededicated my life back in the 9th grade. But since then I've probably experienced more of my lowest lows because I've gotten off track--sometimes majorly off track. I'd lost contact. Lost balance. Lost focus. Recently I've been trying to get back on track. But for some reason it's just not working. I want to. I see people around me that are filled with such joy, but I'm just not moving yet--it all stems back to a great problem I have. I have a huge problem with totally surrender. I want to be independent. I want to do by myself and for myself. I'm selfish. I don't want to admit that I'm weak. I hate people knowing or even thinking that I'm weak. That's why I hate people seeing me cry. I hate admitting that I'm the kind of person that I am. But I'm hoping that it[this confession of sorts] will make me be a much more approachable person. Even though this is a blog post online--I'm hoping that for anyone who may read it--this will make me seem like a more genuine person. They will see that I'm not a perfect person. Yes, I try to mask my faults. Yet, I feel like they are so strong that they break through my mask. There are a lot of things I want to hide from people. Secrets that I don't want known. Although there are a couple that I feel like are becoming more known--it's a silly thing really. I just don't want the whole world--or maybe one person in particular to know. But back to my confession. I guess this whole blurb has to be a whole series of confessions. So to keep you tracking with me--to sum it up--put it into layman's terms--I'm a mean girl. I'm not nice. I talk crap about people because I've been and still am insecure about a lot of things that I have going on within and on the outside of me.

I try to justify my actions. But I know in my heart, there is no thing that has ever happened to me that can justify the meanness that I have shown directly or indirectly. I just like to pretend like because I've had a few people--and those who I thought were close to me--treat me in a way that I did not like. I have been rejected. I have been put down. I've been made fun of. My family has been put down--my dad being the top of that list. Let me tell you, if you ever put down any member of my family--immediate or distant--you will not be on my good list. Family is one of the most important things to me, and when you say something negative about them, I take it personally. Especially when it comes to my dad. I love him very much and when something that he has done[or not done] is taken in a negative light and he is put down for it--that does not go over well with me. I've had major seeds of bitterness grown in my heart because of things that have happened to me. And why has it been that the major rejections I have had have come from some of the closest of my friends? I've talked about certain situations that have happened in the past so much that I now see the cause of the great bitterness I have towards some people in my life. I have had great hurts, and I've not been able to let them go. Just call it the grudge of all grudges. Although, I would never do anything to physically harm anyone--although there has been great temptation--and I have had to hold my hand back from not hurting someone--in a situation where they would have been defenseless--but I used self-control--and thank goodness I did. That's another thing, I've got a lot of issues with anger and rage. I don't tend to take it out on anything, so it gets bottled up. It tends to give me a lot of grief. It's all because of me. I can't get over the stupid crap that has happened. But when those things happened it wasn't stupid crap--it was hurtful and made me feel terrible. I wanted to run away to a place where no one could hurt me. For a few years I was sort of trapped in a bad situation that I could not get out of. And I never said anything. I took all the insults and never spat anything back. Another good thing--my tendency to just stand by and take it. I wish I could better stand up for myself. But I see now--in a more mature way--that it's not always best to be so quick to react. So my personality of being quiet and the peace-keeper--don't step on any one's toes and put up with all the crap might have saved me from saying or doing some very hurtful things. But I just turned around and used my malicious tongue and talked crap about people--in the "safety" of it being behind their backs. I was unjustified every time. But like I've already said. I was bitter and unforgiving. Now I'm at a place where I don't know if I should let the past remain the past or confess to people and ask for forgiveness. But I've not forgiven them yet for their past faults--so maybe I shouldn't go to them. I guess I've already answered my own question. It's just now time for me to begin the process of working through my past hurts, letting them go, and forgiving those who have wronged me. How many times have I recited the Lord's Prayer or heard sermons on forgiveness or read verses that talk about not slandering others?

So there it is. For whoever may read this. I said it was a confession of sorts. I did not give specific examples or name names. That would not be right. It would probably open a can of worms that I wouldn't want opened. But I want people to know that I'm not all that some people crack me up to be. I want to be. I mean, I want people to like me. I want people to want to be my friends and want to be around me because I'm nice and a genuine person. This blog post is my attempt at being real. Hopefully I can learn from my past mistakes and begin moving on. It's not something I can do on my own. I need God's help and accountability from others. I just hope you can accept me for who I am. A broken, hurt, bitter person who truly does want to not be so broken, hurt or bitter anymore. I want to have my pieces mended by my Creator, the hurts healed and the bitterness gone. It's time I grow up--and start striving to be the woman that God wants me to be. That does not include slandering others or drinking the poison of bitterness. I'm just human, but so are all the people who have hurt me. So how can I blame them? I'm certainly not perfect and neither are they--so really they can't help it--I mean we can--but we[for the most part] don't try to help it. We react with our flesh. Self control is not used because it feels better to hurl insults and bring others down to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

So, here is my confession. Take it or leave it. I hope it has helped you see me in a more real light. I'm just human. I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect or have it all together. I'm just a little girl who's afraid of rejection who has used past hurts as justification for the bitterness she still feels and has not yet totally surrendered her life in the way she should, but she's going to attempt to grow up into a woman who can look past the past and forgive the way God forgave her. Even though she did not deserve it. Praise God for His grace. His mercy. His love. His forgiveness. His healing. His promises. His power. His sovereignty.

How deep the Father's love for us.
How vast beyond all measure.
That He should give His only Son.
To make a wretch His treasure.

Monday, June 14, 2010

june 2010

Time is still flying by. The moments pass in the blink of an eye. I have no idea where the last year has gone. I'm so amazed at this fact. I graduated over a year ago from college. Weird. So not much has changed. I've had a lot on my mind that I've wanted to blog...I just never get around to it. A lot has happened in the past several months that has affected me greatly. The loss of my great-grandmother started the sequence of life-changing events. It's been a very hard loss to endure. I have an unsettled feeling about it. No closure. Because I'm not completely sure where she is. I wish I was 100% sure. And I feel slightly responsible for it. I had almost 23 years on this earth with her to ask the questions that I needed to ask. I just took her grumblings at other family members attempts to "save" her as her "yes" answer to the question--are you a believer? She took great offense to their attempts because she felt like she was saved. I just wish I knew her heart. I wish I could say for sure. It hurts my heart. It's one of the things that I feel so deeply about right now. I feel like I need to be more effective in my efforts to share the Gospel. Well enough about my failures right now. Life is hard. It really is. I need more time to really write about everything that has gone on. There's more to share. But I'll go to bed and hopefully write again soon. Until then...don't let the ones you love go another day without hearing the truth of the Gospel and without hearing about how much you love and care about them. I've learned how precious life is, but more on that another time.

Monday, May 10, 2010

i'm really terrible at this.

I had every intention at being better with keeping up with this thing. Not like I have so many things in my life to keep me from blogging, but I just forget or don't really have anything interesting to say. There's not much going on right now, I'm still working...although I am now a lead teacher for the Betweenie class. I'm still teaching the 2 year old Sunday school class...but will be stopping that at the end of the summer. I'm still singing in the Engage service [although I'm kinda nervous about my voice right now because I can't sing because of my lame allergies and some sickness :/ ] The highlights of my life are gamenights every other week, and the random times I hang out with friends. I'm hoping with summer approaching that I will be able to spend more time with my friends, and hoping to become better friends with some of the people I've met in the past year since I've been home. ;) --> and yes there is meaning behind the winky face, but I'll let you continue guessing as to what it's about.

The one thing I've had to learn the most about in the past 7 months since I've started working, is how fast my money leaves my bank account. I wish it didn't cost so much to live. But atleast I've got free room/board right now! I just wish that my bank account was a little bit fuller than what it is. If the economy stays this way, I may have to live at home forever...since my degree did not take me in the direction of a decent paying job that the average college graduate is suppose to find. Yeah, either that[living at home forever] or marry a doctor! Haha. Just kidding. Or maybe....not.

We shall see.

We really shall.

Sometimes I wish I knew the future, but then's best I don't know.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


So I tend to find myself in a constant state of learning. There's the saying that you "learn something new ever day"...well I know that's a very accurate statement. Most of the time, I tend to learn new things about myself...because I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself lately and the direction in which my life is going. I've also been doing a whole lot of thinking about things that relate to the future, but are kind of sort of in the present[I know I'm vague, but that's how it's going to be for now] I have several areas in my life that I'm working on learning how to be more mature in. But there are some things that are so hard for me. I want to be better, and not worry about these things so much, but they consume my thoughts. One of those things has become almost an obsession. I'm really working on letting it go, but for some reason it won't go away. I've prayed that God would just take it away. But it's still here, and maybe I'm not praying earnestly enough and constantly about it. But it's one of the biggest things I struggle with and now more so than ever because of the stage of life that I'm in. Some things seem to happen so much more easily for others, and I seem to be the one left in the dust in last place. I know...patience. Patience is a virtue but I find it hard to know what I need to do, or if I just need to let it go. I also have a problem with being unable to be bolder in this area of my life. I wish I could be more outgoing and comfortable, but it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I end up acting more like an idiot in certain social situations because I'm uncomfortable. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my freshmen year of college. I seemed to do a lot better in this area then and I've just seemed to go backward again. Being an introvert is not always fun.

In the other area of my life, my struggles seem to stem from jealousy. Wishing that I was better because I don't seem to get the opportunities that some people have...because they are better than I am. But then again, my introversion[is that a word? well I'm making it a word now...] gets in the way again...because the thing I would love to do, would only be brought down by my stinking shyness and lack of confidence. But I still wish I could be given the chances to do some things. To help push me and force me to be bolder and more confident. I've dealt with this for several years. Although I've been given many great chances in doing the thing that I want to do, I can see that maybe I'd only stumble into the trap of being self absorbed if I was given to much praise. I just wish that I didn't have to feel so jealous and left behind and unnoticed. I have such a great opportunity in the place that I am to do so much good to bring glory to God, but I let my foolish human feelings and struggles get in the way.

So, right now I need to learn a few lessons. I need to learn how to be thankful. Thankful for the good things that I have. The many great opportunities that I have, the relationships that I'm building, and the other many blessings that I have. I need to stop focusing on myself. I need to start focusing on what God has planned for my life. I need to start really focusing on finding out what that is, because I just seem to be wasting a lot of my time focusing on something that will probably never happen--even though I can't seem to get it off my mind. It's just hard. Life is hard. But at least[and I'm so thankful for this] I have a great God who loves me despite all my many many faults. Even though I can be such an idiot and so self-absorbed and I take for granted all the many blessings that I have been given.

The learning will never be over. It's a constant day to day....struggle. But in the end, if I can keep up my end...God will be faithful to me, if I remain faithful to Him, and Him alone. So this is my prayer now. To fully rely on Him to be Everything that I need and want. He's the only One who will ever make me feel complete and whole, and I cannot find that in any person or thing.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

a new job--sort of

So it's been an interesting week to say the least. A lot has changed at work. And as a result of a fellow employee being fired, I now have a new "job". I will now be in a classroom permanently. Starting today [kind of] I am now a teacher in the "Betweenie" room which is code for older infants/younger toddlers. So begins a new adventure for me. I know and love the kids in the room, and they seem to love me. My boss has complimented me so much over the past week, so I know that she really likes me. So right's all good. And I think I've figured out what I'm going to do school wise. I'll update on that in another post. But I just wanted to give a quick update about my new job. :) It makes me happy and I'm super excited about working with these precious little kids--even if it's going to be a super huge challenge. Yay for biters, poopers, droolers, and criers. ;)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Living Sure

For more about "living sure"....because I'm no good with words. Check out the blog from Engage.

All men die, but not all men truly live...

Wow. Now take a load of this one...

we spend the majority of our lives waiting to live

Ok, wow. I was totally taken off guard yesterday. I mean, that's what I've been doing for the past...well as long as I can remember. When I was little [like 5], I couldn't wait to be old enough to go to school. Then as I got older, it was be able to spend the night at a friend's house, go to middle/high school, drive, date, go to college. Then in college, I was waiting on finding that dream job and perfect man. I couldn't wait to be done and be onto to the next thing. It wasn't until my last semester of college, that I wanted to freeze time and enjoy every second that I had left. I wasn't ready to leave. Then I get home, and into find a job mode. At that point it was a survival mode...not really looking for the "dream" job. I just needed to have a job. I didn't want to be that post grad living at home with no job. At least I have a job. But now I'm looking forward to my "dream" job, grad school, and still looking for that perfect man. I'm in a constant state of waiting around on the next big event to happen in my life. And quite frankly, I'm tired of all the waiting. I feel like the rest of my life is lived in this state of non living...because every day is the same old boring thing. I have the occasional sprinklings of fun things like going to visit friends at CU, gamenights, or random and rare times of hanging out with friends here at home. My life is not bringing me fulfillment because I'm not satisfied with it. I'm not content with anything that I have because I want to have the future things now. I can see things so much clearer now that I understand why I've felt hopeless and apathetic. I can't live without participating in my own life. I would just be a robot going through the motions everyday. It's high time that I take the initiative and start truly living my life. But that is going to take some effort and motivation. Because I'm a lazy person who doesn't want to try or take the time out of my "busy day" --insert lol here because I'm not busy...I just pretend to be....since I work 40 hours a week, why is it that I make myself feel like I deserve certain things just because I work now.....I'm not privileged to things just because of that.

So, my challenge is to learn how to truly live. And the only way I can do that is taking hold of love ---because real life begins when love is found and love is found only at the cross

It was definitely a good challenge, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Go check out
1 John 4:7-21 for the scriptural basis to back it up. :)

Monday, February 22, 2010

some things on my mind...

Do you ever have those moments where you go back in time?
Do you remember how you felt about how your life was going at the time and how much you looked forward to the future when you would be "older and could do more"?
Do you sometimes wish you could go back and undo some of the things you did?
Do you sometimes get reminded of how certain things made you feel?

I often am reminded of the the past. I get taken back through time into the "old days" when I was younger and a lot less mature than I am now. Not saying I'm super mature or anything. I have my moments. I remember how much I wanted to be older, to be done with college and doing all the things that I thought I would be doing. It's funny looking back at how naive I was and realizing how little I knew about how life worked. Sometimes I wonder if I should have not done some of the things I did. For instance, should I have gone out with the guy I went out with in the tenth grade. It was not life changing and did nothing to boost my self confidence or boldness in that department. The "relationship" [if you could even call it that] only lasted for three weeks, and we didn't even like each other. There are other things which I feel like I could "undo" in my life for the sole purpose of having saved myself some of the pain I felt as well as some of the "pain" I inflicted on others. There are some things that I wish I had never done because they have caused some people who are close to me hurt or has forever damaged my relationship with them. It's funny how sometimes being "mean", although might be "fun" at the time, later on when you've grown up some and realize that words can hurt or stupid pranks might cause anger rather than laughter. It seems like a lot lately, I have been reminded more of things from my past. As I think about and reflect on my life, I go back to those places in my mind and remember things that are bittersweet and painful. Sometimes I go back in time due to the "stalking" nature of Facebook. I tend to see things on it...or a profile picture pops up of someone in my past that causes me to go back in time. It also causes me to evaluate my life now. As I see similar situations that I am in now that I experienced "back in the day" I am seeking to be a more mature person in my actions. There are some things that I still struggle with. One of those things I am really working on very hard, yet for some reason I can't seem to get over it. It's one of the areas in my life that I'm not so settled in or content with. I thought I had learned my lesson, but I seem to need a refresher. It's just hard sometimes when I feel like there is a reason for it...or maybe it's just all in my head. I always seem to imagine things, or make up things that I want to be true. But patience never seems to be near to me. Only time will tell, but I don't think I could even change the situation because I'm still the same way I was back in high school. Scared and lacking a lot of self confidence. I wish I could get over the fears that I have, but they don't seem to go away. So now my dilemma is to try to "get over" this thing. I just don't want to. I just wish I could see the future, but the only sight I have is hindsight. So I can hopefully learn from the past. As I will never know the future, I just wish I "knew" some things. *sigh*

I know this is a very "secretive" post...but I just needed to somehow write out my feelings without fully revealing the thing about which I'm talking. Well onto other boss is trying to help me find another job...does that mean she wants me to go? Even though she said there was no rush to find another job. So now I'm trying to find job openings that I would qualify for as well as looking into graduate programs. I found the program I want to do, but only need to figure out if it would be wise to do it because it's a certificate program not a degree. So now I need to decide what I need to do. And the GRE is only offered twice a year? Maybe I'm wrong...but not happy if that is the case. So is just ehish. I guess I can't always get what I want. Although I did get two things I've been wanting this past week...a new laptop and an iPod. I upgraded to a MacBook and am thoroughly pleased with my purchases. Next few things on my iPhone, a new camera, and a car...although the last will not be purchased for a very long time. lol

PS. I love the Winter Olympics.

Monday, February 1, 2010

--i'm not alone--

So I meant to post about this last week. But I get lazy and forget and I'm tired....and I could complain some more. But I was very encouraged to find out last week that another close friend of mine and I have very similar struggles, feelings, emotions, opinions...about our current state of life. I felt like I was a bad person for feeling the way I did about certain things in my life and I thought I was the only one...but come to find out I'm not. It is so nice to have someone else who understands what I'm going through and can relate to me. Sometimes I feel very lost, stuck, frustrated about where I am in life right now. There are a lot of things about it that I want to change, or need to change myself. I can't wish some things to happen, they'll just have to happen in their own time...and some things I'm going to have to take the initiative. But that takes courage, action, and will-power. So that leaves a lot of it up to me. And patience must be achieved on my part...for the other things in life that have not happened. I just find it very hard at this stage to be patient. Especially when there are so many things surrounding me right now that point to it[the "it" just is not a part of my story yet] Even though I got that darn "lucky" golden pig....we'll see if 2010 is "my year" or not.

On another note, I miss this time last year. It was one of the most rebellious and fun semesters of my life. Sometimes I need to be a rebel, just to add some spice to life. I could use spice now, because life is pretty bland right now. I just need a vacation. I need to go somewhere.....exotic. I'm thinking Vancouver to see the Winter Olympics...I must say I did enjoy watching the X was very...."attractive" [if you know what I mean] ;) And also pretty amazing. Those people are freaking talented...and crazy!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

::something to think about::

So I've been trying to figure out what to post about tonight. I contemplated telling my job story that I had promised to write about. Although, now I do not think there is even a point in doing that. But I've been doing some thinking and realize what really has been on my heart for the past several months. This thinking is related to thoughts and feelings that I have had for a while. I was reminded just a few minutes ago when I was going through a notebook that I have that is filled with "songs" that I have written. Most are from my freshman and sophomore year of college. Those "songs" more so lyrics that I have that could eventually have music put to them...but that will probably never happen seeing how they are more my feelings on paper. A lot of what I had written about is how lonely I felt. How far I felt from God. How far I was falling away from Him. How broken my heart was over silly things like boys. It's funny to me how much I felt about certain things....especially relating to boys. With one boy in mind for the particular time period that I was writing. I guess I liked him a lot more than I thought I did. Although he was more of a "rebound" for me seeing as how the boy I was in love with had a girl. But it has seemed like every guy I have ever liked has always had another girl. I'm not the kind of girl to like guys with girlfriends...but in one case I didn't know the guy had a girlfriend. But all these guys I seem to fall in like with...and sometimes a lot more serious than I should, have a girl in their life that they are taken with. I'm never the taker of their affections. Anyways I seem to get off track and go random places. So back to boy from senior year of high school who I was in "love" with. His particular girl and he are no longer together, but now he has someone else. I've already posted about this. I'm sure you are thinking, seriously, Jilene, get OVER it. I know, I know. And I also know that he and I were not meant for each other. But I've had a lot of reminders of him over the past few months and it brings back a lot of the feelings I had after it was "over". I was devastated and literally heartbroken. I mean I really did feel my heart breaking. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I mean obviously my heart didn't literally "literally" break into pieces. But I had the feeling where my chest hurt and I couldn't breathe.

I feel like I've had a lot of heartbreak in my life. Heartbreak not all related to boys though. Although I admit to being boy crazy. I'm working on that right now. But it is hard when you have friends that say oh you should date so and so, or we're going to try to fix you up with this guy. Hmph. Well, let me just's probably best that those things are not said to me...because I begin to make up fantasies about it. Then I have to come back down to reality and remind myself that those are just things I've made up in my head. Not necessarily going to come true. Anyways, back to the topic of heartbreak. My most recent heartbreak was at the loss of my Meemau--for those that don't know she was my great-grandmother. My heart is still broken from that loss. My heart still hurts and aches at the thoughts of her not being up in her big white house on Dale Drive in Silver Spring. I still feel like I should be able to go jump in the car and drive the 350 or so miles to her house. Park my car get out and walk up the sidewalk to her back door. Ring the doorbell and her come to the door to answer it. I will walk in and the bells will jingle on the back of the door, the bells her dogs use to ring to signal they had to go outside to use the potty. I can still smell her smell. Feel the feel of how her house makes me feel. To me, my Meemau's house is home. Her house was safe. She was safe. It was filled with love. And my heart breaks and tears fill my eyes now as I remember it. I'll be going to her house in a few weeks to go get some things out of it. I can't even think of how to prepare myself for the emptiness that is going to be there. Most of the furniture has been removed. And Meemau will not be there. I don't even know how I'll be able to bear it.

January is a month that was filled with heartbreak in my family 22 years ago. January 4th, 1988, my Nana, my mom's mom, died of colon cancer. I was one years old. Two weeks later on January 19th, my Grandma, my dad's mom, died of a heart attack. So much pain and sorrow were felt within my family that month 22 years ago. I was too young to even remember them, but I feel the heartbreak of having never gotten to know them. I have heard countless stories about how they were both such strong women of faith. Good, sweet, precious women. I have heard how much they loved me and doted over me. For my Nana, I was her first grand-daughter, and to this day I still am the only grand-daughter. I envy the people I know that had the chance to get to know their grandmothers. I know that if they were still alive...or had I gotten the chance to know them longer than a year of my life, I would have loved them dearly. That is why I was so close to my Meemau. She was the closest thing to a grandmother that I had. 14 years later, my Papa, my mom's dad, died of lung cancer. My Papa was one of the sweetest men I have ever met. My heart broke when he passed away. My heart still breaks whenever I look at the many pictures we have of him in our house and in photo albums. It's so hard to grasp the concept of death. I know that means your body no longer has life in it. But the fact that you will never see that person again on this earth....I just have this child-like concept of them being somewhere far away on vacation and they'll never come home again. It's one of the things that I hate the most. The permanent separation. I have hope though because I will see them all again some day when I get to heaven. Which brings me to my next thoughts about heartbreak.

In my lifetime alone, there have been numerous extremely devastating natural disasters, vicious dictators, genocides of innocent people, terrorist attacks, wars, disease, famines, etc. The last 7 years we have seen the war in the Middle East. Countless lives have been lost. These past couple of weeks have seen the devastation that an earthquake can bring to a poor country like Haiti. So many lives lost. People put out of their homes. The living conditions that were already unlivable are now so much worse. Children left orphaned. Mothers and fathers left childless. So many people suffering from the afflictions of disease and injuries due to the destruction from the quake. I think about all the people down there how have no food, clean water, proper medical attention or facilities, or place to live. Here I am sitting in my house that has heat, water, a well-stocked refrigerator, and a nice bed to sleep in. I have clothes on my back and a car to drive. My parents and brother are still alive and well. I have so many modern conveniences like a TV, computer, cellphone and a car. I am blessed beyond measure. I am also selfish. I am spoiled. I'm so far removed from the devastation and heartbreak. I cannot even begin to imagine what those people must be going through. I've never had to deal with any living conditions as terrible as that. Yes, my family has had their share of struggle. But nothing that could even put a dent in the struggle of the people of Haiti.

I don't have words to describe how thankful I am to live in the country that I live in. Thankful to have the things that I do have. God has been very gracious to me. He has placed me in a comfortable place. So I as I sit here and reflect about the heartbreak in my own life and the heartbreak of so many many millions of people around the world, I remember two things. The first thing: God is in control. Secondly, the pain of this world is only temporary. I get so caught up in my pain, struggles, and heartbreak that I become very selfish and cannot see anything outside of my own self. I forget that God is in control. God is all powerful. God also knows what I am going through. He knows heartbreak. He sent Jesus, His only Son, to this earth. He sent Him here knowing that Jesus would die. He knew that when He died He had to turn His back on Him while all the sins of the world were poured on Him and He bore our punishment. What greater heartbreak is there. For a father to have to turn his back on his son. To know he was sending his son to a place where he would go and die. That people would be so hateful and send him to his death. Even though he did not deserve it. God also deals with the heartbreak of rejection of the people He loves so much. I mean, like I just said, He sent His only Son to the world to die for us. For people to reject God is like giving Him the biggest slap in the face. This passage from Isaiah talks about Jesus coming to earth and how He was treated and His death, and it helps me put some things into perspective.

Isaiah 53
1 Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away. And who can speak of his descendants? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

I think I need to read this passage every day. It is a good reminder of what Jesus did on this earth. Jesus had struggles while he was on this earth. I mean, He was the Son of God but treated like a criminal. The passage is a good reminder of God's love for us. It also shows His plan the whole time. He knew we would be a fallen people. He knew evil would be chosen in the beginning, but He also knew that Good would prevail in the end. Jesus conquered death. Jesus paid for our sins. Jesus came to earth to die for His people. To give the ultimate sacrifice and bestow upon us the most precious gift. Life. He gave His life for ours. That is something we do not deserve. No matter how good of a person you may think you are, it's time to re-examine your life. I know I think, oh I've done good things, and's all about me. When in reality it's not about me. So when I think about all the many times I've struggled in my life and the heartbreaks I've felt, I need to remember and focus on the fact that I am a broken person. I need God's love, mercy, grace and forgiveness every day. All the times I have felt furthest away from Him are the times He was really trying to get my attention. My full attention. He wanted me to come to Him and call on Him to save me, to help me, lead me, hold me, and protect me. That's what He wants from us. The relationship. The one where we are fully dependent on Him. Because we cannot do this life alone. We may think that we can, but we really can't. Our society, especially in this country, has lead us to believe that we are suppose to be independent people, and only the fittest will survive. Well, let me tell you, in Him the weak are made strong, the broken made whole, and life is made new. Let me challenge you to remember this. Especially in times of great struggle, pain and heartbreak. He is always there. He will never leave you. All you have to do is call on Him and He will carry you through.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

a quick post...

So I've had a lot go on in the last week or so. I don't have time to post about it all but I'll just put it real fast...kind of like a taste of my next post[who knows when that will be] but yeah. So in a nutshell I thought I was getting fired from my job then almost decided to quit last week only to decide to stick it out for a few more weeks/months. I'm praying it's weeks, but I have to pursue another job if that's going to happen...or end up working for my dad....which is something I could easily do but I'm not sure if I want to do it....or if that would be best for me. So right now I'm trying to figure it all out while trying to survive work which equals not killing my back anymore than has already been "killed"....and trying not to catch the nasty stomach bug that's been going around. Gotta love working with kids. Especially ones that poop all the time. And speaking of poop....

I accidentally stuck my finger in a really super nasty poop today. Not the highlight of my day.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

some thoughts

Being in the 9th day of 2010, I figured I should blog. Just because. And just because I'm hoping to get a little bit better about keeping up with this thing. I don't always know what to say on here...not knowing who all reads/follows me on here. I've contemplated blogging on different issues, writing down song ideas, keeping everyone updated on my oh-so-busy and very social life--haha. I mean as of now, 2010 has not been very busy, crazy, or social for me. I've worked, and done my church obligations. I made that sound bad, I don't know what other word to use for me teaching the two year old class every Sunday. I also had practice for Engage this past Tuesday night. Other than that, I've stayed home and relaxed. It's been so cold, I've not wanted to leave the house. I did hang out with two of my good friends who I've not seen in a while. It's always good to see people you haven't seen in a long time and catch up with them about their lives...until your entire conversations with people are completely revolved around every person we know who is either dating someone new, engaged, gotten married, or pregnant. That seems to be the major topic lately, seeing as how so many more people that I know and am friends with have gotten engaged over the past 6 months to a year. It's pretty crazy. Slowly but surely, my friend group is getting married off. There are still several who are in the same boat as me. Single and no signs of that changing....although things can happen super fast as it has for a few recently engaged friends of mine. It's crazy how quickly things can change. Yes, I do say this a lot but it still amazes me. I mean this time last year I was a senior in college. Now, one year later, I have a full time job. That is a lot of change. I mean not much else has changed in my life. But it is a lot different to not be getting ready to go back to school for the spring semester. It does make me a little sad, just because I remember so many good memories from my last semester at Campbell. But, alas, life is still good. Life is good because I have everything that I need. I'm not a poor, starving college graduate without a job. I have a job, a place to live, friends, etc. There are a couple things that I would like to have, but patience is a virtue. So like I said in my last post....I'm going to try to be a more virtuous person in 2010. I am proud of myself though. I'm working towards my goal of getting in shape. I went to the Y this week and am hoping to go at least 3 mornings a week. I get up and go around 6:15ish so I can get a workout in before I go to work. That way, I have nights free to do whatever. So I really can't complain, I don't have a lot of hardships right now. There are things that I make too hard, but my life isn't hard. So for that I'm thankful. And I know I'm very blessed. So I guess I'll close down my blog for tonight with this--it's one of my favorite verses and one that really has a lot of meaning to the place that I am in my life right now: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs 16:3--I urge you to think about the meaning of the verse--It doesn't say we will get what we want---but that if we commit what we do to God, by surrendering up our lives to Him, His plan for our life will richly bless us in ways we might never have thought, therefore, our plans will succeed. Because by surrendering we've allowed His plans to become our plans--letting God have reign over our lives--it's the best way to go.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


Every year I make resolutions, which I typically fail to keep. This year, I'm hoping that in my more mature age, that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to keep some of the resolutions I would like to make. So in order to maybe keep myself accountable, I'm going to record them.

So this year, I resolve to:

1. Get in shape--it's been on the agenda for about the past 6ish years....with a variance of up and down success. I'm hoping 2010 will be the year, I get in shape and stay in shape.
2. Learn how to be content being single. This one will only be accomplished by fully relying on God to help me learn how to find my identity in Him by only pursuing and seeking His love and affirmation--and not seeking to find it in the affirmation of a boy.
3. Read my Bible and pray on a regular basis. I really do fail miserably at this every year. I might do it good for a month or two...but then I get lazy and "busy".
4. Decide what I want to do with the rest of my life i.e. graduate school, applying to another job, etc.
5. Be a more virtuous person. See:

So that about sums up what I'm hoping to really focus on in this new year. I can't believe it's already 2010.

Happy New Year, my friends. I pray that God uses 2010 to show you new and amazing things and blesses your lives greatly.