Monday, February 22, 2010

some things on my mind...

Do you ever have those moments where you go back in time?
Do you remember how you felt about how your life was going at the time and how much you looked forward to the future when you would be "older and could do more"?
Do you sometimes wish you could go back and undo some of the things you did?
Do you sometimes get reminded of how certain things made you feel?

I often am reminded of the the past. I get taken back through time into the "old days" when I was younger and a lot less mature than I am now. Not saying I'm super mature or anything. I have my moments. I remember how much I wanted to be older, to be done with college and doing all the things that I thought I would be doing. It's funny looking back at how naive I was and realizing how little I knew about how life worked. Sometimes I wonder if I should have not done some of the things I did. For instance, should I have gone out with the guy I went out with in the tenth grade. It was not life changing and did nothing to boost my self confidence or boldness in that department. The "relationship" [if you could even call it that] only lasted for three weeks, and we didn't even like each other. There are other things which I feel like I could "undo" in my life for the sole purpose of having saved myself some of the pain I felt as well as some of the "pain" I inflicted on others. There are some things that I wish I had never done because they have caused some people who are close to me hurt or has forever damaged my relationship with them. It's funny how sometimes being "mean", although might be "fun" at the time, later on when you've grown up some and realize that words can hurt or stupid pranks might cause anger rather than laughter. It seems like a lot lately, I have been reminded more of things from my past. As I think about and reflect on my life, I go back to those places in my mind and remember things that are bittersweet and painful. Sometimes I go back in time due to the "stalking" nature of Facebook. I tend to see things on it...or a profile picture pops up of someone in my past that causes me to go back in time. It also causes me to evaluate my life now. As I see similar situations that I am in now that I experienced "back in the day" I am seeking to be a more mature person in my actions. There are some things that I still struggle with. One of those things I am really working on very hard, yet for some reason I can't seem to get over it. It's one of the areas in my life that I'm not so settled in or content with. I thought I had learned my lesson, but I seem to need a refresher. It's just hard sometimes when I feel like there is a reason for it...or maybe it's just all in my head. I always seem to imagine things, or make up things that I want to be true. But patience never seems to be near to me. Only time will tell, but I don't think I could even change the situation because I'm still the same way I was back in high school. Scared and lacking a lot of self confidence. I wish I could get over the fears that I have, but they don't seem to go away. So now my dilemma is to try to "get over" this thing. I just don't want to. I just wish I could see the future, but the only sight I have is hindsight. So I can hopefully learn from the past. As I will never know the future, I just wish I "knew" some things. *sigh*

I know this is a very "secretive" post...but I just needed to somehow write out my feelings without fully revealing the thing about which I'm talking. Well onto other boss is trying to help me find another job...does that mean she wants me to go? Even though she said there was no rush to find another job. So now I'm trying to find job openings that I would qualify for as well as looking into graduate programs. I found the program I want to do, but only need to figure out if it would be wise to do it because it's a certificate program not a degree. So now I need to decide what I need to do. And the GRE is only offered twice a year? Maybe I'm wrong...but not happy if that is the case. So is just ehish. I guess I can't always get what I want. Although I did get two things I've been wanting this past week...a new laptop and an iPod. I upgraded to a MacBook and am thoroughly pleased with my purchases. Next few things on my iPhone, a new camera, and a car...although the last will not be purchased for a very long time. lol

PS. I love the Winter Olympics.

Monday, February 1, 2010

--i'm not alone--

So I meant to post about this last week. But I get lazy and forget and I'm tired....and I could complain some more. But I was very encouraged to find out last week that another close friend of mine and I have very similar struggles, feelings, emotions, opinions...about our current state of life. I felt like I was a bad person for feeling the way I did about certain things in my life and I thought I was the only one...but come to find out I'm not. It is so nice to have someone else who understands what I'm going through and can relate to me. Sometimes I feel very lost, stuck, frustrated about where I am in life right now. There are a lot of things about it that I want to change, or need to change myself. I can't wish some things to happen, they'll just have to happen in their own time...and some things I'm going to have to take the initiative. But that takes courage, action, and will-power. So that leaves a lot of it up to me. And patience must be achieved on my part...for the other things in life that have not happened. I just find it very hard at this stage to be patient. Especially when there are so many things surrounding me right now that point to it[the "it" just is not a part of my story yet] Even though I got that darn "lucky" golden pig....we'll see if 2010 is "my year" or not.

On another note, I miss this time last year. It was one of the most rebellious and fun semesters of my life. Sometimes I need to be a rebel, just to add some spice to life. I could use spice now, because life is pretty bland right now. I just need a vacation. I need to go somewhere.....exotic. I'm thinking Vancouver to see the Winter Olympics...I must say I did enjoy watching the X was very...."attractive" [if you know what I mean] ;) And also pretty amazing. Those people are freaking talented...and crazy!