Wednesday, December 30, 2009
This picture depicts two things that make my heart smile=Alicia + Glee
2009 brought about many new experiences. I met a lot of new people. People who were very different from me, but people who have helped me learn, grow and become a better and more accepting person. People who have been there through my new experiences and helped me see a different side of things. I can only say that I'm very thankful for the many new friends I have made, and those friends that I've become closer to in 2009. I'm thankful for the lessons that I learned in 2009. I've had a very topsy turvy kind of year. That's the best way that I can describe it. I only hope that 2010 will bring me even closer to my new friends and bring about many more experiences to help me learn and grow and become a better person.
Bring it on 2010.
Peace and love.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I wish I had what I needed to be on my own...cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone. And it all seems so easy and I have no plans...I'm on a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land. And all I see it could never make me happy..and all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing. Let me know that You hear me. Let me know Your touch. Let me know that You love me. And let that be enough.
The song matches my mood completely. These are words that I would write. I've felt very far away from God for quite a while. I've tried to get closer, but all to no avail. I've failed miserably. I'm in this state of wanting to be independent. I need to feel independent. Maybe it's because I've always done the "church" thing and I was brought up in a Christian home. I'm not bashing my upbringing, my parents, the church, or God at all. It's just something I feel like my life has always been "caught up" in but has gone through many dry periods. Maybe I'm in a rebellious phase right now. Maybe I need distance, but can't get it...so my moods and attitude have been terrible for quite a while. My last year at college was one in which I sort of rebelled from the whole church scene. At school, I had freedom. I had to make the choice to get up and go to church on Sundays and be involved in Bible Studies. Now I will say I did remain faithful to Monday Night Bible Study, although, my attitude did not reflect one of a servants heart and it was more of a chore for me to go every week. That did change though about 6 weeks from the end of the year. We changed up worship. We did worship in the stairwell. For some reason, that changed how I felt about MNBS worship. It was so incredible. And it touched my heart. But the whole church thing was very up and down. I was not happy where I was. For various reasons. It had lost the feel it had my first two years there. Then my third year I feel out of going there for a couple of reasons. Then I went back again Senior year and did not feel completely comfortable so I left again. But I really didn't ever find another permanent church to attend my last semester of college. There was a period of several weeks where I just did not go at all. This was part of my "rebellious" stage if that's what you want to call it. I just felt like I had gotten stuck in this pattern of going to church when my heart was really not it in. I was going through the motions of church and playing my part in the stain glass masquerade every week. I didn't feel like anyone really knew me or my struggles and those that might have cared...didn't take the time to really ask...or I wouldn't let on that I was struggling. I was drowning without a life raft, so I decided to get out of the church boat and try life on my own. Still kind of doing that right now. I'm floating on the broken pieces of my life raft. Just floating and not really going anywhere and not really flailing about screaming to be saved. It's more of a silent struggle where I am trying to do life on my own. Now that I'm blogging about it...it's out there. But it doesn't mean that I'm going to change. I hate asking for help. I don't want to be needy. I just want to be free. Independent. I know all the right things, and I know what I'm suppose to do. But I just don't want to. Maybe I'm waiting on something else to happen. Something big that will change me. But maybe I'm missing what that big thing is. Maybe I'm already there. Maybe I'm just living day to day and not realizing what extraordinary things that are there for me to do. To become. I want to be remembered as someone who has done things. Not great things, but extraordinary things. I want to be remembered as being good. Bold. Courageous. Kind. Loving. Honest. Loyal. Caring. Selfless. One who reflected her Creator in everything she did or said. Right now, could I be remembered as that type of person? Is my life reflective of those characteristics? Am I putting my all into what I'm doing and being the person that God has planned for me to be? I know that I'm not. It makes me sad. But I can't seem to change it. I'm in an endless, dry desert. I've come to a point where it just makes me want to just give up and get out. Start over. There are no do-overs. I wish I could go back and change some things. Undo choices that I made. That's it, I need an undo button. Or a time traveling machine. That way I could go back and undo the things I wish I hadn't done, and also see my future. I'd love to know where I'm going to be this time next year, 5 years, 10 years, and so on...
What kind of person am I going to be? Am I going to be doing something extraordinary with my life? Am I going to be a wife? Am I going to be a mother? Am I going to be someone great? I would really like to know. I hate not knowing. It's like when you watch the season finale of your favorite TV show and they leave you with this incredible cliff hanger...or you're reading a book in a series and you have to wait for the new season or the next book to come out. I also really don't like movies or books that leave you with an unresolved ending. There is nothing else to tell you what happened. You just have to imagine. That leaves me with too many options. I want to know the ending. I have to know or it just irritates me. I mean your imagination can take you in so many different directions, but which one is the best one...the one that has the most meaning to add to the end of the story. It's like my life. I want the ending of my life to have brought about the whole story of my life....to add meaning to it and be beautiful. So that when I'm remembered, my life was not one that just fizzled out and meant nothing. I want my life to be a beautiful story that someone could tell after I'm gone. To tell how my life began and all the struggles that I went through and how I overcame them and how I added something to the world. That I made a difference. That my life helped to change others lives. I want to be someone remembered like that. I want my life to make a difference. So that brings me back to where I am today. As I think about the "cons" of my life. The monotony of my life. How I feel like I have no meaning. I know this is not true, but it's just how I feel. I want to change. I want to be bolder. I want to do great things. I want to be a good person.
I want to be the ordinary person who did extraordinary things because she took what God gave her to do amazing things.
It's time to bring on the challenge of a new year. 2010, here I come.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
how is that possible? my mind is blown away by how fast this year has gone by. december always seems to sneak up on us...even though in july it seems as if december is so far away....you blink and it's december. sometimes i hate that...and other times i think of how it means that i'm not stuck in one thing for too long. i don't know if that makes sense. but to me it just equals me being that much closer to the things that i want to happen...like being done with school, getting a job...and those other things that are on the "dream" list. i have a lot of things that i want to happen. for some reason i expect all of these things to happen in a short amount of time. well as each year passes, only 1, maybe 2 things happen. i guess i can check off graduating from college and finding a job off of my list. but there were other things that i wanted to happen this year too, but they haven't. and then there are things that happen that i don't like thinking about or even dreaming about happening. that's the loss of people that you are so close to and then being forced to grow up and learning how to move on to new stages of life. sometimes my fears get in the way. ok. i'll be honest almost all of the time my fear gets in the way of what should be excitement for having moved from one stage of life to another. i wish i had a preview for the years to come, so maybe that would give me time to prepare myself for the future. but i do not have that luxury. many times i pray that God will just come back now, because i'm tired of things. it's the times that i get really down and having those constant pity parties because i'm not experiencing certain life things that others are experiencing. even though, i know, that i'm not ready completely for those life things to happen yet....even if there's more excitement about those things than actual fear over the thought of those realities coming true. for those that know me really well, you know exactly what life experiences i'm talking about. how i've tried so hard...or am still trying to learn how to be content in the place where i am now, i cannot seem to get there completely. i feel like i'm being left behind, but logic tells me it's that much closer for me. maybe not as close as i think or want it to be....but it will be here in the blink of an eye. just like life and how fast it seems to go by. the passage of time never allows me to really enjoy the time that i'm in because i'm always worrying about the future and thinking about the next thing. i need to focus more on the here and now. it's funny how things happen. how time goes by and you don't even realize it. you just live day to day...and the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months....just go by. the moments just pass you by. if you're not careful you'll miss out the special little moments. an amazing sunrise or sunset that testifies to the awesome hand of our Creator. the waves crashing on the sand at the beach. watching birds fly south. enjoying a drive with beautiful scenery. the change of the leaves. a good song on the radio that warms your heart. little things. rainshowers. snow days. day trips. playing a board game. laughing with friends. the culmination of these little things add up to make up a sweet harmony to go along with our lives. i always seem to picture myself in a movie with a song playing in the background. the music in my head always seems to mirror whatever situation i'm in. sometimes the song is sad, sometimes it is mad, sometimes it is bitter, sometimes it is frustrated, and sometimes it is happy. all these things add up to the soundtrack of our lives. it's funny how when i hear certain songs now i attribute them to a particular time in my life and how that song seemed to match whatever i was going through. sometimes those songs will make me laugh and even sometimes cry. i seem to be very emotional lately, so there might be more crying than laughing. although i tend to laugh at myself a lot. just because i'm random, awkward, and silly. so i have to laugh at myself. :) ok, so 2009. it's coming to an end. Christmas is coming. i'm nowhere near ready. i have yet to buy the first Christmas present. i seem to have no time...i really hate clocks. i swear they are going faster than time really is, just like the sun....it's playing tricks on us and setting to early. oh well. now i need to attempt to catch up to my life, live for the now, look forward [in hope] to the future. and finish my soundtrack for 2009 and start working on the one for 2010...only because i'm a procrastinator. ;)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's been a few weeks for sure. I think. I didn't look at it to see. My life has been consumed by working 40 hours a week, singing in the choir, Bible study, teaching the 2 year olds on Sunday mornings, and I'll be starting to sing at the Engage service starting this week. So that leads me to about having no life. Or a life that even resembles the one I use to live. I hardly ever hang out with friends, but I am working on that one. I went to game night a couple weeks ago which I'm so glad I went to and even stayed out til midnight! Hahaha. I haven't seen midnight maybe once or twice in the past 8ish weeks. I've been so exhausted that the only thing I feel like doing when I get off of work is come home and crash. I had all these plans to do new things once I graduated and "grew up"...well those new things have yet to occur. I had every intention of learning how to play the guitar...and well...I've really been slacking. I wish I had my "teacher" closer...but he is in Buies Creek. No bueno. So my life really hasn't been that exciting. I don't really have a lot to share. I will try not to use this to complain about things that I don't really like right now. Issues that I'm having with my job, etc. I really need to decide what it is I want to do. I need to a). look into grad school and figure out what I want to study and b). be on the lookout for another job.
I've been a big slacker in so many areas of my life. I'm trying to get myself organized. I hardly ever make my bed anymore. That is not like me. I always make my bed, but I'm too tired to do it and I fall into it again around 9 every night anyways....so yeah. I gotta work on myself. Get my life under control. I sure do miss a lot of things from the "old days"....or recent days. I miss my friends terribly and I miss the independence I use to have. I miss the freedom I had and the lack of "responsibility". Being grown-up is not so fun right now. I'm still getting use to it...I know, I know it sure is taking me a while. Remember I'm not a big fan of change...so my adjusting skills are pretty slow. So yeah. That's about it. I'm so excited about Thanksgiving. I have three days off next week and my family is going to be spending it up in N. VA with my mom's sisters and their families! I am so ready to see everyone and enjoy spending time with them. This is one reason why I love the holidays so much. I get to see all my family and we are all together. It makes me happy. Although this is going to be a very difficult season because it is the first one without my Meemau. I've taken her death a lot harder than I've taken any of the other deaths I've experienced in my family. Not saying I didn't love my PaPa...I have complete peace knowing I will see him again. But I'm still uncertain about my Meemau. I've never grieved like this over a death before. I will think of the most random things and it will trigger a memory and then I just want to break down and cry. I've done a lot of that over the past two and half months. It's been really hard for me. I miss her so much and my heart still hurts a lot over the loss of her. She was so very special to me. I just hope she is safely in Heaven right now. I really wish I knew. I wish I could just get a glimpse of it and know she's there. I really hate not knowing. And I especially hate waiting.
Ok, so enough of that. I need to go try to play my part for this Sunday on the piano. Even though I don't even know how to play....haha. I also need a better attitude.
I'm a piece of work, that's for sure.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
That you're right there beside me,
I am my not own,
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go,
I desperately need you
I am not my own,
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go,
I desperately need you
by: Owl City
check his music out on myspace. he's super awesome and he loves Jesus! :)
So yeah....that was my life this past week. I was super busy all day then I had stuff going on every night except last night and tonight. THANK GOODNESS! I need "me" time. For real. I get tired of being around people[adults, teens, kids] all day. I also enjoy talking to adults[aka my friends and my family at home] because I don't get a lot of adult-like conversations during the day. Haha. I'm really excited about this weekend. Alicia is coming to visit me tomorrow and we're gonna hang out for the day. Sunday is the launch of the new service, although, I do have some choice words, but will refrain from mentioning those words. It's going to be a busy weekend with another busy week next week. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving vacation! :) I'm also hoping I don't get the flu. I feel like I'm turning into an "older" person. I go to bed at 10, get up at 6, work out, come home and get ready for work--take my vitamins[lol], go to work from 9-6, then come home and have various activities every night. Two of my nights consist of commitments at 6:30. I have basically zero time. Weekends are going to be treasured....and ESPECIALLY sleeping in.
---sorry for the ramble of nonsense that probably doesn't even make sense...my brain is just mush!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I'm just glad I don't have diapers to change, just beware of those that still wet "the bed" aka their cots during nap time. I had two of those today...thankfully the other teacher was still there to help clean it up...yeah, kids are messy, dirty little things. And crazy. There are some hilarious ones, especially when they start busting out in song. Michael Jackson is their favorite, but I've also heard "shut up and put your money where your mouth is..." yeah, I stopped that before it got any further. Out of the mouths of babes....you will hear any and everything.
It's Fire Safety week, so tomorrow the firemen are coming. Can I get a woot woot? ;)
Come on you know me....I might be meeting my future husband tomorrow. hahahahahahaha
Ok, it's time for bed. I'm beat. More updates to come.
PS. I have a Baby Gap model in my class. He's super cutie. For real. Toooo bad he doesn't have a 23 year old brother. Yep. Way too bad. ;)
Thursday, October 1, 2009
If you're lucky, I might post a picture of me modeling it! haha.
It's so close. I'm so close to being a full time working woman. 4o hours a week. Every week. For the rest of my life. Ok, hopefully/maybe not the rest. I'm still banking on getting married and having kids someday. But I'm not sure how long that'll be. I've got to find myself a man first. That's kind of an important part of the equation. I need to figure out where/how to meet him.
<3 peace and love <3
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
So God's been up to a lot lately. He's been really hard at work...and I could have missed it had I not paid attention. Wow. First off, I have a JOB! PRAISE GOD! Wow. That in itself is so amazing and so incredibly comforting. A burden has lifted. He provided me with a full time job that will provide me with a steady[and fairly decent] income, benefits, and lots of experience with precious children! Wow. Okay, I've said that a lot. But I'm just in awe of how He worked it out! I now know how well God uses people in our lives. He did that last week. So rewind to last Tuesday. Okay...well back it up to the Sunday before...the 20th. I'd been having a hard past couple of weeks with the loss of my great grandmother. So I'd slacked off from my job hunt. I really had not gone anywhere to look since my interview back in August. I see now why things do not work out for my plan. It's because I would not be ready until last week to fully and openly receive a job offer. Only because I couldn't have dealt with the loss I experienced while newly beginning a job. Because starting a new job is going to be stressful in itself. Just because I need to learn how everything works and learn all the kiddies' names and so on and so forth. So He knew that I'd be more ready to jump back into it with [somewhat] full force. So I had decided after being asked by several people about my job situation that Sunday, that the upcoming week I was going to pursue some job openings at some local daycares/preschools. Well I had yet to do anything by last Tuesday...the 22nd. So I'd been out shopping with my mom for birthday stuff. Yes, the joys of being older and being able to pick out all your gifts and taking away the surprise. Well, I like having clothes that fit and are my style. So I had to help mom out with ideas...because I hadn't really given her any. So last Tuesday we went to the mall to first off see Mandisa and Josh Wilson who were giving a concert there during the lunch hour. It was so awesome. Being at the mall, a very secular place, and having children of God worshipping Him in public. How cool is that. I got emotional when I was singing along, so not much came out. I was just in awe of how many people were there and at the people who were worshipping in a public place. This takes boldness to a whole new level for me. Wow. So after we watched the concert we go shopping. After shopping for a bit, we head back toward home to the library so I can pick up some books I had on hold. While driving, my phone began to ring in the backseat. I missed it before it stopped ringing, so it went to voicemail. Once I finally reached my phone, I looked at a number that I did not recognize. I always getting slightly excited about getting called by unknown numbers...because you never know who it is...and it could turn out to be something exciting. Little did I know it was my friend, Ashley. She was leaving me a voicemail as I picked up my books at the library. Then I proceeded to listen to the voicemail after I got my books and was heading home. The voicemail went kind of like this..."Hey Jilene, this is Ashley...and I was calling to tell you I was talking to my director today about you and she would like you to come in. I told her you might go work at some other places, and she said to tell you no...that she wanted you! So basically I found you a job! Call me back soon...." Okay, so this is not word for word, but close enough. Man, try to imagine how excited I was to hear "I found you a job!" Yeah, I was pretty freaking excited! So to make a long story short, I called Ashley back, decided to meet her at 2:45 to go talk to her director, and then the rest is history. I went in, interviewed, and was hired on the spot! Talk about God being at work. How quickly that happened! I was not expecting that at all. I had half expected that my week would consist of me going to take my resume to some different places and maybe setting up an interview. I was definitely taken by surprise. But it was so amazing. And so perfect! God had His hand in it for sure. I'm so thankful. So now I have a few days to enjoy what's left of my freedom and get my "ducks in a row" before I start my new job this coming Monday, October 5th. I'm going to be a permanent substitute, so I'm pretty much going wherever I'm needed. I'm totally cool with that. I'm also excited about having a friend who works there! I think it'll help my transition to the "working world". So praise God for His provision of a job that comes with a lot of great things. I know my Meemau would be proud of me. That was sort of my aim...to go and find something...kind of in her honor. There it was, New Horizons Daycare....how appropriate. I'm at a new horizon in my own life. The sun is beginning to rise on a new day in my life. A new chapter. A new adventure. Change is definitely good. I'm beginning to get more use to it. Change happens so rapidly and unexpectedly. How appropriate with the change of season on the very day I got a job! It's time for a new season in so many different areas of my life. It's time to let Him use me!
PS. I auditioned for the worship team for the new Engage service that we are starting at Center Grove. I'm praying that God will use me in whatever way He decides too. I'm also very excited about the potential opportunity that I will have through this audition. We will see what happens, but I definitely know God is working and He has a great plan.
GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!
Monday, September 21, 2009
I have especially felt the trials of being a "woman". The only way I feel like I am a woman is the fact that I so unwillingly receive a gift every month. Preceding that gift I became an evil version of myself. I try to mask it, but it still seems to rear its ugly head at those I love. I can get so angry at the smallest things. It makes me want to punch things and break things. I do have somewhat of a temper, I mean I am a redhead and you know what they say about redheads right? If you don't know, look it up. Haha.
Another area that I so try to avoid is the stereotypical "emotional" and "super-sensitive" part of being a woman. I hate crying and especially in front of people. But over the past week I have had my fair share of tears. My eyes have poured buckets on several occasions over the past week, but to particular circumstances which normally are met by tears. I haven't cried that much in a really long time, but I just couldn't prevent them from falling last Wednesday at my Meemau's funeral. We had the viewing and visitation beforehand. I was fine until I went up to my great aunt Kay and hugged her and she asked me how I was doing. I lost it. Then I got better for a few seconds until I went over to see my Meemau's body. I always hate looking at the lifeless bodies of loved ones. They never look like they are suppose to. But my aunt Kay was there to comfort me and talk to me and make me laugh. She told me they had put a wig on my Meemau, but she took it off the night before...because my Meemau would NOT have wanted that at all. She would have said take that d*** thing off me! I was also comforted in her words that my Meemau loved "her baby". I wasn't the baby of the family, but we did have a very special bond. I know she loved me and I loved her dearly as well. The service itself was also another very difficult time. We sung three different songs...all of which I struggled through. I maybe sung about 20 words altogether, but hearing my dad sing out clear and glancing over at my weeping aunts and cousins along with feeling my own grief...the tears just poured out of my eyes. It especially made my heart hurt and my eyes flood again when my great aunt Betty just started shaking and crying hard at the end of the service when they commended my Meemau into God's hands then following that up with "How Great Thou Art" as they rolled her casket down the aisle out of the sanctuary. That song has been sung at the last four funerals I have gone too. Three of them have been my dad singing the song, but this time it was the choir and congregation. It is such a powerful song, but now has very different connotations for me. Most times when I sing the song, my eyes well with tears. The burial was not hard for me. It was very short and sweet and a poem was read...I really can't remember what it said but then her body was committed to the ground and "ashes to ashes and dust to dust"--returning her body to the ground that man was originally formed from--was said. Then we watched as her casket was lowered into her grave. I can't really describe the feeling. It was just surreal, I guess. There was a slight breeze which was almost kind of like imagery of her spirit flowing through each person that was there and touching them. I know that's not how it is, but it felt sort of like that in a way. I don't want that day to be the last day I think about and remember my Meemau. I will always remember her. There are going to be some very hard times. Thanksgivings, Christmases, birthdays, Easter, and maybe a random day when there is something that someone will say or do that reminds me of her. I just can only hope now that she is in heaven. She is the one that planned her service and chose what songs would be sung and the scriptures that would be read. "Beautiful Savior", "Amazing Grace", and "How Great Thou Art" were sung. Psalm 23 was sung in a song by the Requiem Choir and scriptures from Romans, John, and The Lord's Prayer was also sung. Each of those talks about God's saving grace and the truth of the Gospel. I have some hope in that that she did have that relationship and that was her parting gift to her family. The peace that is left behind in knowing that she is waiting in heaven until the day that we are called home.
How I digress, but I had not shared about the funeral yet. I don't know if I conveyed all of my feelings about it. But it was a very hard day for me. One of the hardest. I was comforted to see a lot of my family there and I can only pray for a lot of the brokenness that is in some of my family members. I hope that this will only bring them together and not drive them apart.
So whew....life's tough. And it's tough being a woman. Women are the comforters...mostly. And sometimes it's hard to grieve while also trying to comfort and hold your family together during a hard time. I'm not trying to stereotype, but my mom typically has always been the comforter in my family. I feel like it's just a motherly thing. But that's just me. What do you think?
Anyways, lots of good things coming. I will talk about those later. I'm going to Campbell this coming weekend, so I'm sure I'll have lots to say about my trip after I get back. I can only imagine how much different it'll feel. Being that I'm not a student anymore. Wow. This year has gone by fast. My 22nd year has gone by fast as well. I'll be 23 in two days. Yikes. That's seven years away from being 30....for those of you not good at math. :)
Monday, September 14, 2009
Some days I need a punching bag, and a very large field. The punching bag to take out my anger and aggression, and the field to scream at the top of my lungs in. Some days you just need to do those things. This is one of those days.
But I don't have those things, and I am left with my hurting and broken heart. I'm going to miss my Meemau so much. This is going to be a hard next couple of days. Please pray for me if you are reading this. Pray that God will give me the strength to get through and to have peace...even if I will not know the answer to my burning question until the day I get to heaven.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
But back to Chirho. There are some pretty amazing songs on their cd. My favorite has to be "Kyrie Eleison". It means Oh Lord, have mercy. I have forgotten how much I love this song and how relevant the words are.
Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison through the darkness of the night
Kyrie Eleison where I go, will you follow
Kyrie Eleison on a highway in the light
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I do not have a lot of words to say tonight. My Meemau[aka my great-grandmother] is dying of cancer. She is 92 almost 93 years old, and she is not saved. I have dreaded the day that I would lose her and it seems to be quickly approaching. She has always been invincible to me. She has been through many very difficult and serious illnesses in the past and has come through by the grace of God. Each time I have hoped that those experiences of near death would draw her to a saving grace in Jesus. It's a difficult subject to approach with her. She is a very stubborn, opinionated and set in her ways woman. She thinks that my family[who are Southern Baptists] believe that only Southern Baptists go to heaven. My dad has tried to explain to her[and she is Lutheran] that we do not believe that. We have tried to make it clear that anyone who acknowledges that they are a sinner, asks for forgiveness for their sins and then puts their trust in Jesus as their personal Savior is saved. I've also had a cousin who is a missionary attempt to witness to her, which only made her defensive because she was put off by the fact that he thought she was not saved and then in front of her got down on his knees and prayed for her salvation[this story coming from her] So my prayer and hope tonight and until the time that the breath leaves her body that she will come to have that saving knowledge in Jesus. That she will give her life to Him. I cannot imagine not ever seeing her again. The joy that would fill my heart knowing I would see her again in heaven would be so incredible. I cannot even explain it. So that is why my heart is so heavy right now. The end is near and it could lead to separation forever. My heart could not take that. I cannot and do not even want to think about it. It hurts my heart to think about it. I have the peace and joy in my heart knowing that I will see my parents, brother, grandparents, and other family members in friends in heaven someday. It is so hard for me to see how anyone could not believe in God. He is so evident in everything. The beauty of a sunrise or the majesty of the oceans. The intricacies of the human body. The miracle of the birth of a baby. My mind cannot grasp how any person could even come up with something so intricate and make it work for thousands of years. God is so amazing. To think the Creator of the world loved me so much that He sent His Son, Jesus, down to earth. He became man. How low he went to do something that no man could do for himself. He came to live a perfect life that led to the perfect sacrifice and payment for our sins. Because the Bible says that:
We all deserve to die. To put it bluntly. We do. We are all sinners. We are not worthy to even talk to God and enter into His kingdom. Yet God in His great goodness saw fit to do something that no person on earth would ever have the power to do or the amount of love that He
has for us. He sent His only Son! Yes, I'm being redundant, but sometimes people forget who God is and what He's done for us. I forget it everyday. It's something that needs to be hammered into our heads and drilled into our hearts. God loves us. The lowly beings that we
are. The wonderful thing is that God's love is free. God's love is given freely to those who accept the gift of salvation. That is the greatest gift that anyone could ever receive. The gift that gives us full access to God. The relationship that He wants to have with us because we are His children. That relationship that will lead us to an eternal life with Him. I cannot even begin to imagine what heaven will be like. I can just picture a bunch of angelic-like beings in white robes all praising God and singing His praises forever. Hey I can live with that! I'll sing of His love forever. It just weighs on my heart so much how many people that are rejecting that gift because they do not think that they are in need of a Savior. People think that if they just do good works, that is their key to heaven. Doing good works is not going to get a person into heaven. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 No matter how many good works we do, it is not even going to get anywhere close to covering the payment of our sins. The Bible makes it very clear that we are saved only through faith in Jesus. We are, once we make that decision to live for Christ, to do things for the Lord to bring praise to His name and to use the gifts and talents that He has given us to share His love with everyone we meet. These "good works" are not earning our salvation, because Jesus already paid for that on the cross. These works are for showing our love, obedience, and honor to God for what He has done for us. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17 He wants us to give of our time and talents to help others and to show His love to the world. That is the whole purpose of evangelism. It is to share the message of the Gospel with the world. And that does not just mean sharing it with people in different countries. There are people in our own backyards, workplaces, schools, and families who need to hear the message about Jesus and what He did for us on the cross. There are so many hurting people who need to hear about the Hope of a Savior who loves them and only wants their best. The peace that comes over you when you know your sins have been washed away and the God of the universe loves you and wants you as a child is so amazing. He is the only One who will never let us down. It's hard to think about that because as imperfect beings we will inevitably let one another down. But God will never let you down. He promises us that He will never leave us nor forsake us.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
So my prayer tonight is that my life will be more of an example of Christ's love, and that the words I have written are not misleading but pointing only in the direction of the cross and saving grace of Jesus Christ. I also pray for the salvation of my Meemau. I can't imagine not seeing the one's I love again in heaven. It burdens my heart for my family and friends who do not know Him. I just hope that I can be an encouragement to those who do not have that relationship to make that step...because it's the MOST important decision a person will ever make. It's not an easy road, but it's definitely the best one and the one with the greatest reward, eternal life with our Savior in heaven.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I look forward to hearing all about my fellow college graduates' jobs. Two of whom begin their working journey tomorrow. Yay teachers! :) I might join the rank of teachers in a week or so...if the answer is yes. If not, I'll be back to square one. I also need to start studying for the GRE, so I can become a student once again. Whoopee!
Peace and love.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Change is all around me. Job, grad school, family, life in general. It's time for me to buckle in and hold on for the ride. I only hope that my precious memories will continue to be sweet remembrances and a reflection on the goodness that was the four years I spent at Campbell. A mirror of who I was, am, and will become.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
So, onto what I have on the front of my mind this evening. I have a job interview tomorrow at Childcare Network. It is the first interview since I have graduated from Campbell. I am anxiously excited. I do not do well with things like this and always lack the confidence. But why should I lack confidence when I have the God of the universe on my side? So I am going to try to lean on that promise and confidence that I have in that hope. I know what I'm doing and talking about. I have been as adequately prepared as possible. I have been given the gifts and talents to work with children, and I am to use those, lest they be taken away because I am not being obedient. God will bless my life according to my obedience. He will open the doors that need to be opened so I can use what He has given me. I just need to trust. That is my prayer for the next 21ish hours until my interview tomorrow. I do not know what to expect. I have no idea what is going to be asked. But I will try not to worry. God will give me the strength and confidence that I need to get through it. And if it's God's will, the doors to this job will be opened to me. Then I can begin a new adventure in my life. A full time, for real life--real world job!
Until next time focusing on His peace and love.
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my
prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
I just wish that something would come soon. After my three weeks stint of this babysitting job are over, I'm going to get back into being more proactive about the job search. Seeing as how, by that time, September will be right around the corner. Ew. September. Normally my favorite month seeing as how it brings my birthday and starts my favorite season of the year. I just love fall, and I use to love birthdays. But this year just signifies that I am thus growing older, and I am getting ever closer to 25, 30....jobless, healthcareless....single. I can deal with the single. Although, I won't pretend that I don't want to meet someone, and soon. The thought both excites and terrifies me. Just saying. I don't have experience in that department. The short stint in high school that lasted a total of 3 weeks....and the almost chance my sophie year of college. Thank God on both accounts it didn't work out. I have been saved from some heartache and potentially poor decisions. I'm still waiting on that one guy that God has for me. The one who will love me for me and be honest, trustworthy, caring, funny, and someone who will challenge me to be a better, stronger person. Someone who will encourage me in whatever I do. Someone I can live life with and have a family with. ---Just a few things I'm looking for.....not to mention I would like for him to be musically inclined and like dogs and be a family man. I don't think I know anyone right now that matches any of these things, but hey....I just never know. He could be right here in Clemmons. Ok, so enough of that. I do have my girly moments where I just wish my "knight in shining armor" would come to "sweep me off my feet". Yes, it might just have to be more like knocking me off my feet, literally. Because once he comes, I might not believe it. haha. Only knowing me.
Wow, I do tend to get off topic. That was clearly a huge tangent, but it's been on my heart....for a while. It tends to make itself known more whenever another person I know gets engaged or married. Or even when some close friends start dating someone seriously. It's all apart of life. I just need to be patient and wait for my turn. Though that is a very difficult thing to do. I think I spend too much time day-dreaming about it. Then dwelling on past "could have been(s)" and that only can open up old wounds and make my heart hurt...depending on the situation.
So back to the job thing...Thank God for the provision of babysitting jobs with Katherine and Kallie this summer. Those have given me more experience and great ways to keep myself busy and my mind off the fact that I'm still unemployed. I'm happy to be able to help out good friends with precious children. It just reminds me of how much I want to be a mom someday. :) So about that guy....
He knows what job is going to be for me.
He knows which guy I'm going to meet, become best friends with--fall in love, get married....you know the deal.
He knows everything. I just have to learn how to be....PATIENT.
until next time[and as I'm learning to be patient]--peace and love.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
i'm ready for something new.
i'm ready to get a job.
i'm ready to go to grad school.
i'm ready to meet the love of my life.
i'm ready to get married.
i'm ready to have kids.
i'm ready to....
wow. am i really ready? for all of that? am i ready to move on with life and to grow up. am i ready to commit my life to someone forever and ever hold your peace amen and amen. i mean....seriously? well to be honest, half of me is...and then that other half isn't ready. but i am ready for SOMETHING to happen. anything. ok, not just anything. but something good, new, different, and exciting.
because....i'm getting bored. and this just isn't gonna cut it for me now.
i need a sign.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
this past weekend was a glimpse of the things that i miss dearly. some people and places and experiences.
friday night: i absolutely loved the show at the pour house and can't wait to go to another...i'm pretty sure i've been to at least 10 a clerestory shows and about 7ish martha ann motel shows. they are both amazing bands and i have enjoyed being able to go see them play and meet some of the band members. they are really cool guys! i encourage you to check them out if you don't know their music already!
saturday: went to bed around 2:30am and got up late. had lunch with diane and spent the rest of the afternoon with alicia, trey, and logan. good times are always had. we played our own version of "horse"--i lost, and did not so legal things like exploring the not yet completed town houses at wolf creek. i sure do miss my crazy friends at campbell. [oh and alicia and i enjoyed some sunni skys....i sure do love me some sugar cookie icecream! yum!]
sunday: i was a pagan and did not go to church. i spent the afternoon with the letrent family. which is always a treat and a hoot. i absolutely love virginia's family. they make me feel like one of their own! virginia and i had to take our "graduation" cap and gown picture because we didn't get to after graduation in may. only we know what is so incredibly funny about our pictures! hahahaha. then we went hiking at raven rock. we had fun exploring and deciding that we should go camping there sometime this fall! --i decided to spend an extra night because i was not ready to leave. so a fun dinner at cracker barrel was had with virginia, her mom, and grandma. oh, i can't even tell you how much i have laughed over the past few days. it has definitely added years to my life. :)
monday: i came home. babysat katherine--a precious little girl who will never cease to make me laugh! then i went to foothills brewing for dinner with casey and nerine. oh, what a night of good food, laughs, and great conversation--and of course we had to stop for coffee--hence why i am still up at 1 am writing this blog...although i must say it is choppy and not very well put together. hahaha. oh well. i'm hoping to get better at writing. even if it is just random happenings. i'm hoping to have some more serious posts sometime in the near future. maybe discuss some things on my heart/mind. i've got a lot of that!
soooooooooooooooo. that's enough for now. i need to get to bed. i've got to get up early to work out with mom before we have lunch with mary[my step grandmother--God give me patience!] haha. so many great things going on. and maybe i'll write about them tomorrow...or sometime this week. until next time, peace and love.
ps. piercingly blue eyes are so distracting, especially when they belong to a talented musician. and r&c is my fave. ;)