beauty from ashes.

I've come to a point in my life where I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. Yes, we don't know the future--so it's not like I'm the only one, but I've come to a place where I am at a loss as what I need to be doing with my life. There's a battle waging war inside of me because I so want to be an independent 25 year old with a job that has a regular[and much larger] paycheck. I'm tired of feeling like I'm still a child with rules, chores, and an allowance. This is how I've felt over the past year as I've gone from having a bi-weekly paycheck that brought in enough money to pay the bills I had as well as allowing me to save money and have spending money to being paid quarterly. Big adjustment, and it's been a huge disappointment. I've dealt with failed relationships--friend and boyfriend. I've dealt with a health crisis. At this point, I wonder what's next. I'm so tired. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally.

I've struggled with my relationship with God. When I needed Him, I knew He was there--and I cried out to Him. He helped me get through a very scary time in my life. He brought me through and brought about a miracle. But then it's like I all to quickly forgot that He was there--and that He wanted to be in relationship with me. I prayed. I read the Bible. [not faithfully like I should have] But I just didn't "feel" what I thought I should be feeling. Over the last several weeks, God has been slowly showing me some things. First of all, He is still there. He hasn't gone anywhere. Second, He's not going anywhere. Third, He wants me. Like I read in a friend's blog today about the song "How He Loves" how it says that "He is jealous for me"--the Creator of the earth is jealous for me! What? Why? This leads to the next thing. [We're on number 4] He loves me. He has always loved me. No matter what I have done. No matter how many times I fail Him. He still loves me. I don't understand why. As I had a very intense time wrestling with my feelings last night, I prayed, I read the Word, I journaled, I cried, I threw my hands up, I gave up. Now when I say, "I gave up"--that doesn't mean I'm done. It means I gave up everything that I have inside of me that I cannot control. All the things that I'm tired of worrying about. All the things I'm tired of being afraid of. All the dreams I want to happen but can't picture their coming true. Everything that I'm too weak to handle on my own. I gave it up. When I threw my hands up, and I mean literally, it was like I was handing off my cares, worries, fears, doubts, my everything--I handed it to God. Gave it to Him. I told Him that I didn't want it anymore. Now, that doesn't mean I won't still struggle with some things--but I don't need to be alone anymore trying to handle things on my own. I can't do this life without Him. I can't live without Him. I can't continue to go about my days with no direction. I need Him to help me. I need Him to guide me. To lift me up when I'm down, to hold me when I'm broken and bleeding. It's what He's there for. He wants to be my Provider, my Healer, my Caretaker, my Friend, my Father. He is strong enough to take care of my problems. He can handle the things that I can't seem to get a grasp on. He can make me strong enough, good enough, bold enough, etc.

He's picking up the broken pieces of my life--and making me whole again. He is showing me how gracious, merciful, loving, and kind that He really is.

During this time of refinement and being made more like Him, He is showing me the areas of my life that I need to work on. It's a good thing I've got His help. This[me] is not a pretty picture. There's a lot of things that need to be made right. I'm called to be like Him. If I am who I say I am, then I need to act like it. My actions haven't always backed up my words. It's time for things to change. This is not easy, I'm not looking forward to it--giving up what I want, and changing bad habits isn't going to be fun. I don't like knowing that I'm a sinner. Yet I am. I'm a sinner. Thankfully, I'm a sinner who has been saved by Grace. God is doing something good. He is working for my good. Oh, praise Him!

I thought of a song "Beauty for Ashes"--and that's why my post is titled "beauty from ashes"--it's an oldie by Crystal Lewis and this is how it goes[ps. look it up]:

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair